Softened by Suffering

“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” -1 Peter 4:12-13

Over the last couple of days Emily and I have been talking about how challenging it can be to be out in public after tragic loss.   Smiling faces gaze upon her, but she cannot honestly return their smiles because of how greatly she is suffering inside.

I can clearly remember going to the grocery store for the first time after our loss and thinking that I was walking around crippled and broken inside, but no one in the store had any idea.  It was as if my heart wanted to cry aloud, “All of you, who are strangers, please be careful with me...I am broken!” 

But I also recall wondering how many others around me might also be suffering, though I could not see their pain either.  How many others had lost children?  Who might have cancer?   The Chapman’s family friend, David Lipscomb, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the day I lost my daughter.  Steven’s father had a heart attack then too, and around the same time I remember hearing about a politically motivated slaughter of innocent people taking place in Kenya during those days of my sorrow. I wondered how many right here in this grocery store might truly be hurting and alone?  How many are clinging to Jesus, and how many are suffering without hope? I realized at that moment that the suffering ones are all around us all the time, but because so much of the suffering of man takes place on the inside, we do not know that we are surrounded by the walking wounded.

If so many people are acting so insensitive with me—smiling glibly as if all is right with the world, I wonder how often I was not sufficiently gentle or careful with those around me because of my own self-absorption.   Forgive us, Lord, because we have no idea how much our self-centeredness might be inadvertently hurting those who are already wounded. No wonder the Word calls us to be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven us.  It is necessary that this be the manner in which we live. Last Friday, several thousand people came to mourn and grieve with the Chapman family, and Steven spoke about how we are a part of the fellowship of the suffering. Membership in this group cannot be easily seen with human eyes; it is not branded on our handbags like the Greek letters of a fraternity or stuck on our bumpers like our political affiliation.  Most often you can only know its members by taking the time to care and inquire of their lives.  When we do, we just might find a depth of character, a real patience, and a strange sense of hope in those who are a part. For the Word says that trials develop perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope, and that hope does not disappoint. 

Steven and Mary Beth shared with us again at a Shaohannah’s Hope staff dinner last night that their suffering has made them more acutely aware of the sufferings of others, and many have stepped forward to let them know that they too have suffered and are suffering.  They have been broken by their pain, but they are now broken for those in pain around the world, from earthquake victims in China to cyclone victims in Burma.  When your heart has been softened by suffering, you find a new compassion for those around you, especially for those whom you have joined in the fellowship of the suffering.

So when we find our smiles not reciprocated by those who pass us by, or when our kindnesses are not met with sufficient gratitude, let us be quick to make allowances for the other person. Let us not judge, but instead pray and love.  For we are One in Christ, part of His body—His broken body.

Even as I post this right now, a dear friend of mine, of the Chapmans, and of this ministry is in surgery.  Please, please pray that the God who heals will heal Bill and restore his ability to walk and take care of himself.

Comments

[Diane]

I have come to your devotional for a time now. Each time I have just sat and read and understand so easily what all you are saying. Your words speak directly to my Spirit and Heart. AND, each time I have given praise to our Father who loves us so much. Your words make it so very, very easy to give Him all the Glory!!

Standing in prayer for all,
Diane

[Emily]

Kerry, thank you for writing what God puts on your heart. I have tears on my face, but the ache that caused them is coupled with a bursting joy... A hope - a hope that the book of Hebrews calls an ANCHOR... We are mere ambassadors here, temporary aliens, as we learn to walk as our Savior did... and one day to experience His glory face to face--as little Maria and Isabella do right now.

[Eugene]

Kerry, this is crazy Eugene from the Houston concert last February. Don't know if you saw the post I made on the Show Hope blog, but it was such a blessing meeting you then, even though I had no idea who you were at the time. Just wanted to thank you for your recent posts...especially this one, which God used to remind me that we're ALL broken (as Steven wrote for the latest album) and I need to interact with my world based on that truth. Hope we can meet again one day soon...

[Jennifer McConnell]

I am praying for your guys' friend. I so know what you are talking about about feeling peoples pain. Since the death of my daughter, Abby 5 years ago, I find myself waking in the middle of the night with God laying on my heart someone to pray for who is hurting. Please let Emily and her family know that it is okay to not smile all the time. I have found that Joy in Christ is not always smiles but knowing that He is your sustainer and your comforter in the midst of pain and that is not always smiles. I remember so many times not wanting to face people and smile because it hurt way too much. We love you guys.

[Misty and Sarah]

Kerry~
You are a amazing woman of God! I have been so encouraged by reading your devotions and I want to thank you for being so transparent. I just shared the story about the bracelets today and the "God power" behind them. I was blessed to meet the Chapman's and your husband in Tulsa last fall. I have since gone on to start a orphan/adoption ministry in my area. I have launched a website to help families with this same passion. www.iwillkissyoufortwo.com
You might ask your husband if he remembers a story of how we found a SCC CD in the grass. After a long day of prayer waiting to hear back from SH God provided something else instead, we found a SCC CD in the field across the road and it worked! That was truly a great God day. Thank you for loving the Chapman family so much and thank you for loving the orphan child with such passion. Looking forward to meeting you someday.
In Christ~ Misty Peterson

[Sarah]

Kerry,

Thank you so much for your sweet words, your tender spirit toward seeing God in every circumstance in life, it is eye opening and refreshing. I came here first to see how to better pray for the Chapman Family, but I continue to read everyday because you have touched me with your insight. Through these awful circumstances I feel that in a way I have found a kindered spirit in you, my heart has always desired for a child born from my heart instead of my womb, but in some way I felt bad because the adoption wouldn't be one born out of need but rather just...well I guess now that I'm typing this I realize it would be out of love...and that can't be a bad thing.

Well all this to say that I appreciate your thoughts and have felt I've grown spiritually even in the last week just reading and meditating on the topics you have brought up here, thank you.

Please continue to love the Chapman family for those of us who can only share in their suffering from afar and carry their pain to the feet of Jesus in hopes of making their brokeness a little more bearable.

Much love and prayers,
Sarah Ridings

[Tennille]

Kerry,
As a hospice nurse, what I cling to is that this life is not about us. It is about Him and His glory. That is something I have learned that I need to live by in the last few years, and it is also a fact that brings me comfort as God allows me to be with families at many fragile moments. However, since the double tragedy of the Chapman family whom I admire with the utmost respect, I have not been able to find sufficiency in the fact that God is sovereign. I am left with this aching question of why due we pray for what is most precious to us: our children's protection. I am confident this was your prayer and one of the Chapman family. I feel as though you might have some words on this matter. You're love of and faith in the Lord is evident in your postings. May God continue to give you some peace that passes all our earthly understanding as you also continue to grieve. Thank you for the many words you have already sent out.

[Jody Ferlaak]

Your words and insights are so true, and yet even for those who have suffered so deeply, it is still a hard road to travel and 'gift' to accept from God. I continue to pray daily for the Chapmans- for their pain, for their sorrow and grief that comes in waves, and for their strength and faith to be the Rock that holds them up and together- as broken as they are. I pray for bits of glory and purpose to be revealed, and love that God is already showing Him such knowledge as they see how their suffering makes them more 'in tune' with others and the heart of Christ.
In my own pain and loss, I have come to realize that it is actually a huge act of mercy for God to allow my daughter to be killed (at age 4 in July -01). He loved her infinitely more than I ever could...and I loved her with all my heart! And yet, even though He had the power and ability to prevent her tragic death, He allowed it to happen. For reasons I may never fully understand, but it has forced me to trust in His goodness, mercy, justness and sovereignty more than ever before. I just keep praying that God draw all the Chapmans and family and friends into this deeper understanding with Him. And in time, I can testify they will find that their deepest grief is closely tied to their greatest Joy. Praying for Joy, comfort and peace in their hearts and lives. Everyday.
Thank you for sharing such thoughtful posts here. May you be blessed and comforted too!

[Laurie]

Thank you for these beautiful words, and reminders to quickly make allowances for others. We never know what everyone is going through. My heart goes out to you for your loss. You are an inspiration to us all as you cling to Jesus, and now reach out to your friends, who did not want to join this fellowship. No one does - but your words bring such comfort and help. Thank you for sharing your precious heart with all of us.

[Dionna]

So beautiful and eloquent. And so true.

[Kim]

I don't know what to say that has not already been said. The Lord is using you in many ways. I am amazed by His grace being revealed in and through all of this. He is the Wonderful Counselor.

[Corie O'Brien]

Beautifully said Kerry! Thoughts I have had myself for the last 4 months since my son passed. Getting back to a "new normal" takes so much time. As people grieve with you for a time, many move on with their life while you pick up the pieces. I have continued to pray for you since I new about your daughter and will continue to do so. I also continue to pray for the Chapmans. I have been so comforted by his song..Carry you to Jesus. Amazing those words in light of their loss also. Thank you for sharing so candidly.

[Angie]

This morning I received my newsletter via email from Shaoshannah's Hope. There was a link to your blog so I began reading. As I read the tears began to fall and soon after that I was just weeping. My heart is burdened for this family and the details are just too real. Two years ago this month we received the long awaited phone call that it was time to go pick up our little boy in Guatemala. For 8 years we battled secondary infertility and now our dreams of growing our family had come true. We were in Guatemala for 5 days. When we landed in the US we had a call on our cell phone. While we were waiting to board our next flight we learned that our neighbor had been killed in a tragic accident the day before. He left behind a wife, 3 yr old, and 3 week old. This same young man had helped us prepare for our trip to meet our new son. Just as we were moving past the extreme grief and seeing the joy and laughter return to our home we received a call that another dear friend had died. He was young, they and two daughters and they were expecting their first son. He died on his wifes birthday two weeks before the birth of their son in their home and she was the one to find him. Our hearts were broken yet again. She had no family no support outside of the church. There were so many other tragedies that fell upon this family during this time. The Lord called our family to stand with them through their grief. We spent the first weeks with her and was there through the birth of her son. We continue to be with her as much as possible, sometimes daily helping her with the three kids. Two months to the day we experienced our third death as Granddad became ill and went to be with Jesus. All three men are with their creator now and we continue to heal and move forward but at times it seems too much to bare. We have seen God's grace and mercy first hand and we have experienced that peace that surpasses all understanding. We have seen God's hand in each of these circumstances. Today reading these post God spoke to my heart and helped me understand another small piece of his plan. A plan that involves an eternity not just today.

I must say that one of the things that I have learned though this is that you never know what someone else is going through. You do not know if they are having a bad day because their spouse was just diagnosed with cancer or if today is the day that they will lay a loved one to rest.

Thank you for sharing your heart and for allowing God to use your family as a vessel so that others can know of the love and mercy that is available to them. These post meant so much to me and God used them to remind me that he has a plan and a purpose and that it is far greater than any suffering that we go through.

Just a side note...Our desire was to become involved in orphan care ministry but each time we come close to that area of ministry we are asked to care for a window and her children. God has his own plans for us.

[Krista Meyer]

God is using you in some powerful ways, dear sister! Please keep writing what He is putting on your heart - it's stuff I need to hear, and I'm sure others do as well.

God's blessings,

[Theresa]

If the tragedy of Maria's death had not happened I would never have known who you were. I must tell you I read your blogs all the time and there is a deep sense of peace that comes over me as I read them. Like everything is going to be okay. They are so lucky to have your counsel. Thank you for the blessing you have been to me this past week.

[monika]

This is the first time i read your blogs. All your posts are simply beautiful. They contain so much meaning, experience, peace, kindness. Having children, it seems unthinkable to loose one. THank you for sharing about your tragedy in this very difficult time.

[Lori]

Kerry,
Thank you for sharing. You willingness to share and gifted communication has been used of God to minister to my heart. I am also encouraged to share more of my own suffering and share more actively in the suffering of others in my life. Our family continues to lift the Chapmans up in prayer; and we will pray for your family too. It is beautiful how we are connected as family in the Body of Christ. Our family has been deeply touched by the music and ministry of SCC over the years and also through a Shoahannah's Hope grant just recently. Our son, John David, is now 6 months old and is a delight to his parents and siblings! It is my prayer that our family can touch yours through prayer in ways we won't understand until we join Christ Jesus in Heaven in the presence of the Almighty! All Glory to HIM!
Lori

[Rebecca H.]

This is very strange for me to read this - a few weeks ago I attended Steven's last concert here in Seattle only 5 days before Maria's death. Before leaving the house however, I was in my front yard and I found a 4-leaf clover. I used to find them fairly often as a child but I hadn't found one in many years so I got excited. I went and pressed it in my Bible, choosing to keep it on Psalm 23. A few days later after hearing about Maria, I opened my Bible to that same psalm and there was the clover, lying right on the line "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil". That encouraged me more than you know. It's amazing how God uses even the small things in his creation to remind us of his love for us!

[Erica]

Thanks for sharing! Right after my mom died last summer all i wanted was poeple to leave me alone, i felt all alone and like no one understood. Even now poeple will come up to me and ask how i am, some tell me "you smile you pretty smile and say you feel fine but deep inside is that really hhow you feel?". Often i wonder do poeple really want to comfort and be there for me or are they just doing it b/c it's the right thing to do? Through this past year God has shown me himself in a new way, and i have been able to reach out to those i could of never helped before. As a young teen it really helps me to see and have other women as role models since i don't have my mom- you're one of them, so is MB Chapman...

-erica randall-

[Liz]

Oh, yes -- grocery store suffering. I've felt the same way, wanting to scream at all those people going about their day: "Don't you see how I'm hurting? Why are YOU here shopping & planning when my mom is unable/dying/gone?"
Thanks be to God who gives us those reminders that others are suffering too - and teaches us that it is our enemy who wants us to wallow in self-pity & be too distracted to pray for those around us.
Grief opens our eyes so painfully, but so needfully.