Kerry Hasenbalg

Grace Versus Works

They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord. Jude 1:4 

Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

Time is a peculiar thing, as it can seem like both our greatest friend and our greatest foe depending on the circumstances. Time can be like an enemy when it seems to move very slowly as we are waiting and longing for something we desperately desire to come to pass.  It can also feel like an enemy as we see ourselves growing older in the mirror and perhaps longing to have more healthy days with our loved ones. 

But time can be a great friend to us as well.  Although, I do not believe that time alone heals, I do believe that God heals us over time!

As a result of an interaction I had with a friend today, I found myself thinking about another amazing gift that time can give to us….Proper perspective in the area of God’s ways of right living and practicing ministry.  There is great benefit to being able to look at the christian maturity process as it takes place over time, rather than simply having to discern what is before us only based on what we can see in the present. 

It has been both interesting and tragic for me to watch some people whom I have known as once very strict and even “uber” christians, who are now living lives of blatant and willful sin.  The once preacher or missionary extraordinaire who was in times past preaching boldly against all kind of religious doctrines is now living a life of all sorts of blatant sins.  And all the while continuing to justify these things based on what they consider an new understanding of God’s grace or even based on what they see as an ineptitude of the church and its people.  The very things they preached boldly against now mark their very own lives.   In some cases they seem to speak of how they now understand God’s grace and have been freed from the law. In other cases they are open about having walked away from the church or even the idea of God altogether.  But in every case I can think of, these individuals always blame most of their life change on other Christ-followers or at least some doctrine of Christianity that was preached to them and harmed them in the past.   They speak against hypocrisy and bad teaching in the church and yet they believe they are better because they being so “open” about their ways and disregard what folly their lives are now teaching others.  And it seems also that they often will unite one with another based on a joint distain for the people of God.  WOW, so sad!

In the past, I probably would have wondered what could have caused them to go to the complete other extreme, the opposite pole, godliness to ungodliness….the other end of the spectrum.  They were doing so well, what happened?  "What did the “church” do to them to cause this?", I might have asked.  But now, I realize that these two things are not located at opposite ends of Christianity but are rather kissing cousins located smack dab next to one another.  Both legalism and licensiousness (using God’s grace as a license to sin) are based on self-righteousness and pride.  Both are based on a thinking that I know a better way to live than in simple humble obedience and daily dependence on God.  As I look back it is clear that these individuals acted superior than most others (if not all others) even then. Real humble love for God and others was always lacking.

I have seen this same thing go on as it relates to other forms of ministry, and specifically in orphan minsitry.  One group claims that the most important thing is preaching the gospel of grace to orphans so that all will be saved.   Another group claims that there is so much preaching and not enough doing, so they are out there working in humanitarian things among the “least of these” and disregarding the necessary teaching and study of the Word.  But the truth of the matter is that we are to be doing both  - preaching and teaching the Word, and living the Word as well…by the power of the Holy Spirit who alone can speak the truth while performing acts of love perfectly.   The only way we can be successful in not being found in the legalist camp or the liscentiousness camp, (that is the all grace camp or the all works camp) (which again are all camps located under the same flag of self-righteousness and pride) is if we go on  a daily basis, recognizing our own weakness to be any different than who we are (sinners), to the foot of the cross in total surrender and dependence on God.  Works and acts of caring without faith in the gospel and its saving grace is wood, hay, and stubble, which according to the Word will burn up in the end.  Likewise, according to the Word, Faith without works is simply dead. Picture a dead man pointing a finger at a dead man. That is what our lives look like when we walk in one without the other judging the others who are doing just the same. 

Not one of us is any better than any single person trapped in any of those other camps…We have all in various ways been in both bad places. And as we've heard, those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Only by God’s grace are we able to be saved, and live a life worthy of the calling apart from willful sin, and serve one another in need through works of Love!    It is by His grace that we have been grafted in…and this is the good news; and it is only by His grace that we bear good fruit to feed others…and this is the good news also; and it is only by His grace that we are allowed to remain and are not cut off, considering how much we judge one another and choose wrongly, and this too is very good news.   You see, all will be revealed in TIME…and so in the mean TIME, let us thank the Lord and obey every Word of His counsel - to speak and do the Will of God until He comes. And let us also be careful not to judge the ones in the other camps, but instead to pray for them and speak the truth in love to them when God compel us. Because we have been called to love our brother enough to take the speck out of his eye, we must be willing to first take the plank out of our own so that we can see clearly enough what is actually ailing our brother's eye. we are no different.    Because in this recognition of our own need to repent, we will love our brother and be careful as we perform surgery on the eye of their hearts.  Again, our different camps of sin all fall under the same flag of self-righteousness and pride.  And the camp of successful ministry always bears the flag of human humility and dependence upon a very good God who calls us to faith, works, grace and love. 

Potty Party

I dressed Maya in a beautiful soft pink jumpsuit with snowflakes on it this morning.  When I brought her downstairs, Scott said, "She looks really cute!"  I thought she really does look extra cute today and then it dawned on me that it is because we so rarely have the opportunity to see Maya downstairs with a complete set of clothes on. She is constantly taking her clothes off.  Not 20 minutes later, I looked over and there was Maya completely naked.....completely sans clothes and diaper - she loves to be naked, but she usually keeps her diaper on...but not this time.  

I used to make her stay dressed, but not so much anymore. I supposed it's because I'm a mother who is tired of fighting that particular battle.  Mom always said, "Choose your battles, no need to fight them all."  And I believe this is particularly true when it comes to an extra spirited child (a.k.a. strong-willed) like Maya.  As long as the house is warm enough and its just us at home, I have been known to let her go for hours scantily clad.  But today, was the first day I let her roam diaper-less as well.  

About 15 minutes after her disrobing, I heard her call me loudly from upstairs, "Mama, I poopied!"  UUGGH!  I love that we have wood floors upstairs too.  By the time I got upstairs with cleaning supplies, she said, "I pee peed too Mama!"  Yes, she most certainly did.

But, interestingly enough, she was as bummed about the whole thing as I was.  "Sorry," She said several times.    

I kindly answered, "Maya, I'm not angry but we really must get a diaper on you."  

Well, I will tell you what she absolutely did not want a diaper put on her....Oh and I so did not want to fight this battle.  So, I looked her squarely in the eye and said, "Maya either you let me put this diaper on you without a fight or me having to discipline you or you will have to start using the potty today."   We can't have you going to pee pee and poo poo on the floor. She immediately answered, "I will use the potty Mommy." 

I thought, there is no way.  She is only two years and four months old and I think Cole was close to four before he has any interested at all in potty training  I told her, "wait here, I will get the Dora potty seat and the foot stool." 

Immediately after I got the seat and stool in place, she climbed up and went...then she insisted on wiping and flushing herself.  

Scott and I threw a big to do about the whole thing..."Way to go Maya...Awesome!" Scott came out of his office and joined in the clapping (with a video camera in hand) and then when Maya saw the camera she said, " Daddy, Daddy, take my picture!".  (Thanks Nanna Marks for training my children with the constant camera action) Hilarious!  

But in all honesty, I was thinking, "Well, that was a once and done happening."

But as it turns out, she has proved me wrong so far.  She became completely obsessed with going and sitting on the potty - wiping and flushing for the rest of the day.  As a matter of fact, on one occasion, I had to use the plunger today because she had used so much toilet tissue.  She got on the potty seat about twenty times today.  "Where's Maya," I asked Cole later this afternoon. He said, "she's on the potty again Mom."   

Or course, when I put her to bed tonight, I put a diaper back on her because there is no way she could possibly be even close to trained I thought. But believe it or not after she had her book read to her, she said, "Mommy, I need to go to the bathroom."  She got up, went to the potty, and then returned to bed."  

Who said that miracles don't happen!  Don't know what will happen tomorrow; but, today was sure shocking and fun! 

Lovin' One Another

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

I walked into the garage to find a stray cat nuzzling close to Maya and she petting the cat in return.  "Hey, what ya doin' there Maya."  "The cat is lovin' me Mommy and I am just lovin' the cat too," she answered. 

 

Sometime later, I walked into the living room and found Cole sharing his snack with Maya.  I said, "How are you guys doing in here?"  Maya answered, "Cole's lovin' me mommy, he gave me one of his cheesesticks."

After I give Maya a drink or something to eat she'll often say, "Thanks for lovin' me Mommy!"

To Maya, love is an action.  Interestingly, to God, love is also an action.  But, unfortunately, to far too many adults love is wrongly seen as a feeling. According to the book of First Corinthians, the first characteristic of love is that"love suffers long." Whoever "feels" like suffering for another for a long time?  

"I'm just not in love with her anymore," some might say.  So, in other words, at least according to God and Maya, "I'm not choosing to take care of her and do kind things for her anymore - because I just don't feel like it."  

Something which a friend of mine reminded me of today, and something which Maya reminds me of often when she says, "He's just lovin' me", is that real Biblical love is something that is chosen and is done for another, and is very often done contrary to our feelings.  As a matter of fact, according to the Word, the greatest acts of love are done in complete opposition to someone's feelings. It is when we no longer feel like "loving' that we are presented with the greatest opportunities for really lovin' others -  to love as God loves - out of sacrifice, and apart from feelings. 

 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Thankfully, few of us will actually be presented with the opportunity to physically die so that another person can live.  But I believe this scripture is talking about something that could be even harder for some of us. What it means to lay down your life in this century in America means to give what we want to keep and to do for another what we don't feel like doing....to choose to stay committed when we want to go and "love" another? To love is to do what doesn't "feel" good to our flesh - to lay down our life (that is our fleshly life and desires)!  To stay faithful and keep caring for others in action when you really don't want to...to love because it's right to do - to say you're sorry when all you want to do is stay prideful and distant!  That is when we are really "lovin" one another. 

Jesus did not want to died.  He absolutely "felt" like NOT dying!  Remember His Words in the Garden as he cried tears of blood, "May this cup pass from me?...which was followed up with true love for God, "Not my will but Thine be done."..and then followed up again on the cross with true love for us, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."  

Are you really a Christian?  A little Christ?  A Christ follower?  Then remember when you least feel like loving the ones in your life, you now, at last, have been given the blessed opportunity to show real love - through acts of faith and hope.  Real Love is a choice - it always has been because God was the author at the beginning of it. 

Whether we "love" someone or not is not as much a reflection on if they deserve our love as it is our own connection to love - to LOVE, HIMSELF!  "God is love"  Don't walk away from the ones God has entrusted to you - Stay and love!  God's blessings and grace are found in obedience and it is right to choose to love!   And I promise that if you do, in God's time, you will be amazed how many blessings are written on your heart and in your life as a result!!!  

Chicken Soup for the Fearful Soul

I woke up this morning in a super foul mood.  I actually had spent a good part of the night biting my nails.  It’s a horrible habit, which after being plagued with it for over twenty years, I had pretty much kicked about ten years ago. Wasn’t exactly sure what was going on with me, but I knew I had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.  I thought that I better identify what was the cause and address it before I ended up harming some of my family members because I was not in a loving mood at all. 

Yes, it was a tough night for me with the kids, but then again it very often is.  They aren’t great sleepers pretty much ever.  And yes, I woke up feeling fat, but I often do (particularly after eating everything in sight while on the road for two weeks and getting almost no exercise).   But I have spent about half of the days of my life feeling fat, not unlike about half the woman in America and beyond.  Therefore, even though, I wanted to blame these things for my mood, I knew they were too typical to have caused such a bad disposition. 

I barked at Scott after he returned from the store this morning without the instant chicken soup I had requested. He explained that they didn’t have it in on the shelves.  But that answer simply would not suffice for me in my current state, so I kept at him in a most contentious manner.  He simply responded with, “Kerry, you are not being kind.” And then he immediately retreated to his upstairs office to begin his workday. 

I knew he was right and that he didn’t deserve such treatment but I was too “blocked” by my pride to apologize yet.  Plus, I knew that I had not yet turned a corner so it could only lead to more drama if I followed him.  I was just glad he had enough wisdom to remove himself from the situation.  And I also appreciated the loving rebuke because I knew he was speaking truth and also loving me enough not to allow me to justify my actions.  I was wrong and I knew it.  But I also knew that something was desperately wrong inside of me.  But, I suppose whatever was ailing my soul didn’t’ hurt me badly enough to go to the Lord for His help. I contemplated spiritual possibilities, but I never actually asked the Lord.  I was just kind of asking myself and then moving on before I came up with anything other than thoughts like, “I am so annoyed, I really wanted chicken soup!”

There’s more than one-way to skin a cat: the easy  “instant soup” kind-of-way, or the far more difficult, “from scratch” kind of way.  Interestingly enough, we had all the ingredients on hand that I could have possibly wanted to make a hearty homemade chicken and vegetable soup.  I decided that while the kids were playing, I would postpone starting homeschool and get the soup on so that it would be ready for lunch.  So, I started cutting and dicing the vegetables and preparing the broth.  I thought this will make me feel better; soup always does – both the making and the eating.  After my miscarriage in 2005, I began making soups almost everyday and continued doing so for several months.  I made soups in a Forrest Gump “ I waazz Runnin’” kind of way.  I suppose it was part of my self-induced therapy.  I made so many different kind of homemade soups and in such large quantities that I practically couldn’t find enough people to whom I could give it away. 

Anyhow, while I was in mid-session “soup-making therapy” mode today, I was suddenly and rudely interrupted by the knife blade cutting sharply into my pinky finger instead of the adjacent carrots.   OOOOOOUCH!!  Blood everywhere, and boy was I scared.  Once I got the blood cleared away enough to see my finger, I was thrilled to find that it was only a deep cut and not a removal of my finger’s top. 

So, then it was -  that I finally turned to the Lord.  "Thank you God for letting me keep my finger!"   My mother always told me that doing just about anything while in willful sin can be very dangerous, especially while using large sharp knives. 

So, while I was there in His presence, with thanksgiving, I decided to ask, “Lord, what is wrong with me?”  Why am I all torn up inside and seeking to blame others for my internal struggle.  And even as I was uttering those words to God, the answer came…FEAR! God was showing me clearly that my bad mood began with stuffed FEAR.  I was afraid – and I had given in to fear and allowed it to control my disposition.  I was most afraid that God would not grant me more children or that I would lose another one.  I had somehow, somewhere along the line grown afraid of losing Scott too or receiving some other form of horrific suffering …and in all of it I had lost all sight of the idea that His grace would be there if any of these things happened. I had stopped trusting God and it had already begun harming me and my relationships.   Immediately, what came to mind was the scripture, “Be anxious for nothing, but by all things prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God, and the Peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.”   But instead of taking the time to ask anything of God, or instead of making a single request known, I just took the scripture in as a comfort and moved on to finishing my soup.

After bandaging my finger and finishing the soup, which turned out deliciously ( I just love finger soup...just kidding), Cole and I finally started our homeschool time.  

And would you believe, our homeschool Bible lesson just happened to be on Phillippians 4:5-6, “Do not fear what is to come, but instead prayer about everything, with a thankful heart, make your requests known to God in prayer, and the peace of God which is beyond all you can understand will protect your heart and your mind through Jesus Christ.”  The book then had a prayer activity for the student.  What it was asking the child to do was to tell all the things they might be afraid of by speaking to God in prayer and asking for His help in each of them.  After Cole was finished praying about His concerns…I finally prayed to God about mine!  I identified all that I could and I laid them at His feet and I left them there.  He now holds my future and can cover over all my fears.  Lord, you are so good to me! 

And it turned out, it was a very good thing that the store didn’t have the instant soup after all that I so wanted, because both Cole and Maya loved the soup I made; which by the way is also an occasion for praising the Lord because they usually aren’t so hip on veges…and they ate them and loved them! 

Well, I’d better go and apologize to Scott now.  He only had to wait the last 7 hours to get an apology from me.         

Parents Apologize Too

Bear with one another and forgive any grievances you have against one another just as the Lord has forgiven you. Col.3:13 I was homeschooling Cole in the dining room and Scott was in the sitting room meeting with the Chapmans on Shaohannah's Hope business. But unfortunately, Maya was located in the living room in between the two rooms and had started to get really noisy and very cranky. So, I told Cole that I was going to put Maya down for an early nap and that I wanted him to contine diligently with his work while I was upstairs. I told him that if he put a lot of effort into his math sheets and phonics coding pages while I was gone, we would only do the two subjects that day and he could go play after lesson. As I was leaving the room, he raised his hand and asked, "Mom, I just have one question, what does effort mean so I know how to put a lot into it." I stopped and explained the word effort to him and then went and put Maya down for her nap. Upon my return, quite some time later, I found that Cole had only done two math problems and no coding at all. I was visually disappointed and asked him what he had been waiting for. He told me that he wanted to ask dad a question and that dad had told him to wait. So, he was just still sitting there waiting. I began strongly speaking to him saying, "Cole, you know very well not to interrupt daddy when he's working and you knew to continue with your work!" He immediately began crying huge alligator tears and said, "Mom, I know; I am so sorry, will you please forgive me?" I hugged him and told him of course I would forgive him. Then I asked why he did not continue working on his materials as I had asked... and he answerd saying, "Because my pencil lead broke and I couldn't find anything else to write with in this house. So, I thought dad could help, cause I knew I shouldn't interrupt when you are putting Maya to sleep". As my great-grandmother used to say, "God bless his little pea-pickin' heart". He didn't have anything to write with or anyone to help him. Wow! So, now I knew it was my turn to apologize! "Oh Cole, I'm so sorry, will you please forgive me now?" He answered, "Sure Mom, you forgave me, so of course I will forgive you!"

From Grief to Glory

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  Hebrews 12:1

Yesterday, Mary Beth Chapman brought me a book to read, which, according to her and Steve has really been wonderfully good for them in this season of sorrow and healing.  It's entitled, "From Grief to Glory," and is basically a compilation of personal letters describing the spiritual journeys of mourning parents, all who happen to also be great heroes of the faith, like Martin Luther, Johan Sebastian Bach, John Calvin, Jonathan Edwards, John Bunyan,George Whitefield, George Muller, C.H. Spurgeon, etc..  So many of them wrote music, poetry, and sermons which have influenced my life greatly since the time of my youth; yet, all these years I never knew that so much of their wise teachings was born from grieving the deaths of their own children.  Many of them having lost multiple children.

 I am about three quarters of the way through the book and truly each and every word has blessed me tremendously.  It is sad and joyous, uplifting and healing, painfully real but not without great hope.  If you or someone you know has lost a child and are seeking the Lord's wisdom and comfort in the healing process, then I would highly recommend this book. It was compiled by James W. Bruce III.  In its pages, I found myself feeling as if entering into an extraordinary and intimate kind of fellowship with these saints of old and receiving wise counsel directly from God through their words clearly written on tear-stained paper.  I know I will be with all these people in heaven one day, just as we will have opportunity to join the saints of the Bible then as well; but for now, reading this book feels like a chance to view and follow the sure and life-giving footsteps they left on their paths from grief to glory.           

First Grade Theology

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"  Proverbs 15:1

"Mom, I believe that Daddy's telling the truth. He's an adult and said he's fine so you should believe him and not keep asking him," said our six-year old son, Cole, as he gently interrupted my interrogation of Scott.  

It can be so difficult for me to just ignore the "silent" treatment that I sometimes get from Scott when he is in his contemplative silent mode.    

I responded, "Thanks Cole, I suppose you are right. I will leave Daddy alone while he's thinking."

Cole said,  "You're welcome mom, I like helping you learn to FUSSER."

"Fusser?  What's fusser?" I asked

Cole then said some of the most profound words I had ever heard from a child - and it was all about a word we had never heard before.  

He said, "Fusser means not talking strong at somebody even when they are not being nice to you. Fusser is when you hold back.  I have to fusser a lot with Maya.  When she gets cranky and strong with me, I just can't yell back at her because if I do then she won't be able to understand what I'm saying. That's fussering. Or when you ask dad if he's angry and he says that he's not, but you don't believe him. Fussering means that you choose not to keep asking him and hold back so that he can understand you"  

While he was talking I thought, I want to institute this concept in our home because it is so right to do, but where in the world did he come up with such a word.   

I then asked Cole, "So does fussering mean sacrificing?"  

He went on to explain how the two words were kind of the same but still different.  He explained that sacrificing is like what Jesus did on the cross and how that was kind of bigger than fussering because it was so we could all be forgiven of all our sins.  He then said, "And you know what Jesus did even more than just fussering or sacrificing, he did the most amazing thing in the whole world ever, He rose himself from the dead."  He explained how fussering is not exactly like sacrificing but how both are important to do.  

We threw out words like self-control, self-discipline, sacrifice and love as we tried to find a synonym for the word fusser.  But Cole responded by continuing to explain that these words are all a little different from the meaning of fusser."  As he was getting nearly exasperated with our line of questioning, he said, "O.K., you need all these things, but they are each like one little grape by themselves...and that if you put them all together it makes a big bunch of grapes so then it's better. Does that make sense?" He asked.

"It makes a lot of sense," Scott answered as we held onto every single wise word this little man was saying.  Scott went on to talk about the importance of being a peace-maker through patience and explained that this seemed to be what Cole was describing. 

As we were finishing up our very interesting conversation, we told him that we think we understand what Fussering is and then we tried to explain it back to him.  "So what you are saying Cole is that fussering is when we choose to hold back when we are really upset with someone so that we don't get into a big argument and so that the conversation can stay peaceful and everyone can be heard. right?"  

He said, "yes, you can say something to them first, but if they don't stop being strong with you or are being mean back to you, like Maya is to me sometimes, then you need to choose to SUFFER and hold back so it doesn't get worse."    

SUFFER!  SUFFER!  FUSSER meant SUFFER all along! 

But because Cole said fusser instead of suffer, we were able to listen and learn from him far more clearly.  In a sense, God was using Cole to hold back through fussering with us so that we could keep hearing God through him.  I realized that because we had grown so tired of the word suffering that I certainly would have dismissed his words before really hearing him if he had used the word suffering. We had wrongly been thinking of "suffering" only as something that happens to us rather than something that we choose to do for the love of God and one another.  

Suffering! The word fussering was suffering. Crazy! And one thing we learned was that our little boy had been consciously choosing to suffer for his sister's sake.  So, now that he was asking us to be willing to suffer for one another's sake and for the sake of peace in our home, we realized that we ought to follow his example.

Today's lesson from a first grader reminds us of the proverb which says, "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." 

And it was Jesus who so clearly reminded us of the importance of learning from the little ones among us, "[Fusser] Suffer the little children come unto Me!"  Unless you become as a little child, you can not enter the kingdom of Heaven."

Unmet Expectations

They loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.  John 12:43

 The fear of man lays a snare, but he who trusts in the Lord is safe.  Proverbs 29:25

            From what sources do we get our worth?  If through job success; through our children’s acheivments, from the opinions of others, our physical appearance; from the things we own, activities in which we excel, from esteemed people we know, or even through our service in ministry, then we will find ourselves eventually greatly disappointed and unfulfilled.  If we are looking to any of these things to increase our value or define us, they will surely fail us.  No matter what we are looking to in order to bring us worth other than God, we are setting these things up as idols in our lives.

            I know extremely few people who would ever admit that they have struggled with idolatry.  Yet, God says it is a sin that is common among men.  I think the main reason we do not see ourselves this way, is because we misunderstand what idolatry actually is.  The golden calf is NOT the twenty -first century idol of America; but rather it is people, things, relationships, appearance and performance.  My mother has often said that idolatry is not love and it always leads to resentment and even hate.  As much as we often convince ourselves that we care so deeply because of our great love and respect for other people far too often we are not loving those closest to us at all because our relationships are made up more of idolatry than of love.  For love is unconditional but idolatry is all about what these people and things do for us and bring to us – idolatry is defined by conditions and expectations.  I have witnessed an incredible number of relationships among believers in the Church and in supposed God-fearing families where “loved ones” “cut” themselves off from one another because of unmet expectations or hurt feelings– and this can begin a perpetual cycle of unforgiveness and broken generational family relationships.  I believe if we looked closely enough at the foundation of these relationships, more often than not, we would find that they had the flavor of idolatry, even at the outset, and not of genuine sacrificial, patient, and forgiving love.  The love of the father in the story of the prodigal is a good example of real love!  The love of Jesus Christ for all his disciples, even those who forsook Him, is a good example! What we are seeing among believers surrounding us, and if we were honest in our own lives as well, very often looks a lot more like idolatry than true love.

            Putting others and things in the place only meant for God is looking to them for something God never intended.  We approach them with unrealistic expectations and then we wonder why they fail us.  It is God who is perfectly faithful to us and the One who will love us enough to allow our idols to fail us miserably in order to redirect our focus back to Him.  And once our focus has really returned to Him, God will show us that it was not only the sin of other persons involved which caused the “break” and failure in relationship, but our sin of idolatry which set them and these relationships up for this failure in the first place.  We must give them the same grace and mercy which God has given to us in our sin.  When we are back in true fellowship with Jesus, He will be faithful to remind us that whatever they have done to us, we too have done either to another, to them, or at least are capable of doing such things.  In order to love, we must be aware of our own sin and how deceitful is our own heart.  “Never be disturbed when others say things that hurt.  If you thought more often of your sins, you might even agree with some of their remarks.” (quote from My Daily Bread)

If you have “cut off” someone who you were formerly in fellowship with - or even someone to whom you are related, I encourage you to consider  going back and asking God to show you your own part in the “break” and be willing to look through the lens of the sin of idolatry.  And then if God so exhorts you,  be willing to build a relationship based on real, patient and forgiving love which can flow through us when we are humble enough to see our own frailty and our own need of forgiveness. (I am aware that there are relationships which are truly unsafe based on real abuse, and in these cases, it is wise to stay disengaged and simply pray for these, your enemies.)

I used to really misunderstand the concept of idolatry myself particularly when it was being used to refer to a relationship which had gone awry.  For example:  hearing that a parent was setting her his or her child as an idol or that someone had set up their spouse or a friend as an idol and now the relationship is comprised mostly of resentment.  It was not until I realized that idolatry is always about loving ourselves and not the other person whom we have set up.  Mom reminded me, “Kerry, remember that idolatry always starts with “I”.  When we set up our children or friends or others as idols, it is really that we are looking for them to praise us for how wonderful we are – looking for them to in turn lift us up in the eyes of men.  It is not that we necessarily think they deserve to be an idol or a “god” of sorts in our lives; but rather, that we are looking for them and these relationships to help validate our worth.  We long too earnestly to hear what good parents we are; what a great friend or worker or wife or husband we are.  And this is not love; this is idolatry and will lead to resentment, depression, and even hate if the relationship is not put in its proper place.  We are wrongly looking for these humans not to fail us and to define us.  As a result, ever decision or move our “idol” makes affects us and our demeanor far more than God ever intended.  We are either giving our “idols” very little room to be human or we are completely unwilling to speak the truth to them when they are in sin for fear of being met with their disapproval.  We care more about what they think of us than what God thinks of us or of them.  Man-pleasing is an extremely subtle form of idolatry which in the end is very destructive to the body of Christ.

How do we make our decisions?  Based on what will please us, what will please others, or what will please God?  Who is on the throne of our lives?  For whom do we live to please?   Eli, the priest of the temple of God in charge of taking care of the arc of the covenant was severely warned and ultimately punished by God for honoring his two wayward sons over honoring God.  Eli chose not to speak to his sons’ sin because he valued his relationship with them over his relationship with God.  In the end, he lost both his sons and even his own life.  When we will not speak the harder truths to someone in our life often we are not loving them at all, and we are doing so because we so desperately want their approval, friendship, and “love”. We feel that we need them to like us more than we want them to be free from the sin which has them in bondage.  Are we willing to be rejected for righteousness sake for truly loving others in truth.  This is not that we are called to be judge and jury of the sins of others.  Until we are able to see the sin in others in light of our own and to know there is nota choice between us, we are not really able to love and forgive them for the sin in their lives and the hurts they may have caused in ours.

But once we really come to a place of loving them, are we willing to speak the truth in love even if it means that they may reject us for a time?   Idolatry does not speak the truth in love.  In its early stages it does not speak hard truths at all, and once it gets to the latter stages of resentment then it speaks without love at all..or simply cuts off the relationship entirely.  It is only the kind of agape love that comes by the power of the Spirit which can cause us to speak the truth wrapped in love.

            I have found that every time I have set up something or someone to help define me and bring worth to my life, God allows that person or thing to fail me.   It seems that when I am holding loosely to someone and their opinion of me, the relationships tends to be more successful and blessed.  When our worth is found in Jesus alone, we will no longer have the need to put our own agendas on those we love because we do not need their actions to define us.  When our worth if found in Jesus alone, we no longer have the need to manipulate and control others and circumstances because the outcomes will not define us and we are free to live humbly and without fear. 

            Each time I find myself holding tightly to something which I believe I can not live without, I find that I no longer am trusting God and believing that He, as my Shepherd, can give me every thing that I need in order to be who he has called me to be – no more or no less. Why is it that just when we stop needing to obtain certain things to increase our worth and define us, this is often the very time when we finally obtain them and are met with success in them?  I believe it is because we are no longer setting up these things to compete with God for the throne of our lives.

Idolatry seeks out things, people, and relationships to validate us and has its foundation not in the love of God and the love of others but in the love of “self”.  And proof of this is found in our negative reactions and responses to those people and things when we find ourselves not validated as we had desired.  We reject; we judge; and we despise those things which did not meet our expectations of giving what we needed and desired from them.  But, if we will take our hearts, broken in disappointment, to God, He will not only restore us and set our worth in Him properly but He will also empower us afresh with His Spirit and in turn giving us the ability to love unconditionally the ones which have failed us.  For Jesus never expected men to love Him purely, but instead He clearly recognized the condition of man’s heart and loved us nevertheless completely – even unto death.

                        When we live for God alone, seeking only His approval, it will be amazing to see how our relationships and work will often succeed in a way that it did not and could not while we were still in idolatry of them (seeking personal worth in them).  Because we are no longer setting these things up to compete with our affections towards God, who is jealous for our affection and devotion, God’s blessings on them can come because we no longer need them more than we need and desire Him.

May we long to hear from God, “Well done good and faithful servant.”   So, again I quote from my daily bread devotional “In God alone will I find true peace and glory.  I must not desire to please men, nor fear to displease them, when there is question of doing what is right.  Only God’s judgment is important.  All men will agree with God’s opinion of me at the Last Judgment.” “God knows what we really are.  What men say about us, will not change what we are nor what God thinks of us.”

Frivolities

Rich and poor have this in common: The Lord is the Maker of them all. Proverbs 22:2 I ran into Nicole Kidman at Green Hills mall the day we arrived here in Nashville. Almost literally ran into her because I was busy chasing Maya down the center of the nearly empty mall with my head down. As she passed by us, Scott said, "By the way that was Nicole Kidman who just walked by." And he said it like he sees her all the time, like it's no big deal. Well, the truth is he does seem to see her all the time; just about everytime he comes to Nashville. When I got to the office I told Emily about it and she said, "I live here and I haven't seen her yet." To which I replied, "Stick with Scott and I bet you will." Well, believe it or not, only two mornings later Emily and Scott had a business meeting at a local coffee shop in Franklin and during their meeting guess who walked in? Yep, no joke, Nicole Kidman and her musical hubby, Keith Urban. Apparently, they walked in and sat down in the little joint right by Em and Scott. So stinkin' funny! When Scott got home after his meeting he said with absolutely no emotion at all, "Hey, ran into Nicole Kidman again; she was at the coffee shop with her husband". Of course he did. I asked what they were doing and what he did when he saw them. As if Scott is suddenly going to act differently than he normally does...completely calm, cool, and collected! You see, Scott is perhaps the steadiest and least intrusive person alive. He answered, saying, "Nothing really, they got coffee, talked and laughed like people who get along, and we finished our meeting and our own time of fellowship and then left. I suppose they go there because its small and people seem to let them alone." Right...I suppose this is why scott keeps running into them; God knows that he has no need to talk to them. And I suppose this is why Scott has been entrusted with his close friendship with Steven. He gives Steve the space to be simply and completely as human as the rest of God's children. Sorry there's no real redeeming value to this post. I guess I just felt like passing the time by blogging on my handheld as I sit in the car with Maya, who is taking her nap in her carseat behind me. Anyhow, I hope your days are as full of interesting surprises as Scott's seems to be. At least I find these frivolous passings interesting. Ha ha!

Fellowship of Light

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." I John 1:7

My time in Nashville so far has being an incredible blessing because of the true fellowship God has granted me these past few days.  Having fellowship in the light is the thing I long for most, but it is something which happens far too infrequently for my liking.

The thing about the light is that it is not only beautiful but it is exposing. And because we humans can be deathly afraid of being exposed, we often shrink from the light that we crave.  It seems that most of us, most of the time, are so busy living in our own self-protective ways, trying to keep ourselves from the possibility of being hurt by others or from being known for the messes that we are, that we end up keeping ourselves alone, even when in a group.  Instead of going before the Lord to be sure that we are not the ones hindering the possibility of true fellowship, we often choose to sit in judgment of the other person who we can't seem to "connect" with on a "real" level. 

It also seems to me that in those rare instances that we have in fact sought to be in the light in our own hearts, allowing God to have His way with us, we are often hard-pressed to find others who are also living "in the light" as well to fellowship with.  But realizing that God could, at any time, bring others to us who are "walking in the light", I am now learning that it is most likely because God has ordained these times to be for us to practice long-suffering.  Jesus, who is always living in the light, spends an enormous amount of time long-suffering with us when we are choosing to hide in the darkness.  

The fact that we are continually struggling in our human relationships is not surprising considering what complicated messes we humans can be. But what is surprising and most amazing is that there are in fact those instances when we find ourselves fellowshipping with other human beings in a most "real", "safe" and loving way. Experiencing the blessing of true fellowship "walking together in the light" with other children of God is perhaps the greatest gifts of God to us in this life.  And experiencing it can be almost addicting.  I suppose it is a good thing to be addicted to because the fulfillment of this longing requires a continual coming to Jesus on our part with a posture of humility and willingness to be known by Him and to some extent by others even in our brokenness and sin.  But it is in these places where the many dirty spots which our souls have taken on can be washed off...and in the process our hearts can be made free, joy-filled and lifted up.

Since I have shared on this blog a great deal about the sufferings and challenges I have faced along this road, I wanted to also share with you some of the blessings as well. God has used His people to fill me with hope and joy and lift me up these last couple weeks. The week before coming to Nashville, I spent time with my dear friends Jeanie and Wendy... and we spent hours walking and talking about the Lord together.   

Wendy came up from Nashville to stay with us for the week. She is such a close friend that oftentimes when my kids are naming their family members they add Wendy to the list.  She and I have been working together in orphans ministry for more than a decade and we've known each other as long as I have known Scott. We both started out doing Russian adoptions together in South Carolina. She also speaks Russian. Then when I started CCAI, I beg her to come and work as the program director for it, even though we had no money at the time - and she did. And now Wendy live in Nashville and serves as the director of programs at Shaohannah's Hope. But the greatest thing about doing life with someone like her is that she loves walking in the light.  Wendy is not afraid to know "who she is" and her need of Jesus and she is not shy to share hard truth with me that I might be needing to hear.  She always speaks the truth in LOVE and I am so grateful for this and for her faithful friendship.  Wendy was the one with whom I prayed all your prayer requests (from the blog) just before we committed them in a practical/ceremony sense unto the Lord in our fireplace.  

Also, just before leaving town to head out to Nashville, I had the opportunity to spend some time with the whole Watoto children's choir from Uganda.  When the Watoto orphan groups tour the States, they all spend the two weeks over the Christmas holiday in my little town of Danville, PA.  My dear family friend Barb Walzer has a house big enough to house them all together and a heart for orphans that is even bigger than her house.  What a joy it is to be with those children and their faithful leaders.  If they come to your town, I want to encourage you to host a couple of the children; you will be the one most blessed. 

And finally since arriving in Nashville on Monday, we have had nothing but blessed fellowship!  Scott and my time with the Shaohannah's Hope staff has been wonderful.  A staff of mostly young people who are not only talented and funny, but they are all humble servants of the King... all truly seeking to serve the orphan and grow in their own walks with Jesus in the process.  And they are all so kind to my children, and that is such a blessing for me.  

I have also been very blessed to spend some quality time with Emily Richards (formerly Emily Chapman).  After work, Scott took the kids one evening to Chick Fil-A (for Cow night with David Trask) so that Emily and I could spend some time together.  And what a wonderful time we had. We went for Thai food which is probably my favorite.  But the best part of all was that I found myself in the company of a young woman who is clearly seeking Jesus with that is within her. The next day, Scott and I and the kids met for breakfast with she and her husband, Tanner, who is just perfect for her by the way. They are a young couple who are truly seeking to glorify God in their marriage..not pretending to be perfect but desiring to be perfected in their love of God and for one another.  

Today, Emily and Tanner are heading out to lead the first ever Show Hope trip to Maria's Big House of Hope (A six story facility SH recently built in the LouYang Province of China, named after Maria Sue Chapman, and existing for the purpose of doing correctable surgeries for orphans and for providing palative care for the terminally ill orphans).  There are 8 other young people traveling with them and going for the purpose of putting beds together and painting the inside of  the facility, as well as simply loving on the orphans in that province there.  In preparation for the trip, Emily and Tanner hosted a time of prayer in their home on Wed evening for the members of the group and their parents.  Scott, as the director of Show Hope, and I were also invited to join them for prayer.   And can I say, AMAZING!  It was an out of this world experience to see with our spiritual eyes the hearts of these young people and their godly parents as we sought the Lord together.   When Scott and I got in the car, he said simple, "Now they are going to be just fine!" But if you think of it please dp pray for their protection and their service over the next ten days. 

But perhaps the greatest highlight so far was our time of fellowship two on two with Steve and Mary Beth, sans kiddos! (also over Thai food - YUMM)  Oh and thank you Wendy for watching my kids all evening...and don't worry that Maya wouldn't wear her diaper, she does that to me sometimes.  Scott and I have had a lot of wonderful times of fellwoship with them over these past 7 years together, but there was something extra specially beautiful about this time.  

It may have been  because of our different yet almost simultaneous paths of brokenness, or perhaps because of the time we all have given to Jesus to heal our hearts and what He has written in us as a result, or perhaps its because we are still traveling this common broken road together with no more answers to our questions but a lot more love in our hearts...Honestly, I just don't know...but what I do know is that we all experienced Jesus first-hand in our time of fellowship that night.  It was an evening of light...there was no darkness at all. We talked about Jesus and His Word...we talked about how He has met us in our pains and what we have learned about Him along the way.  And what we still trying to learn and wrestle with. What is certain is that we have all come to know the great healer of our souls more than we did before. There were tears and laughter and lots of genuine love. There was an incredible strength and passion for God and His truth in our conversations all the while a sort of softness which permeate all the words spoken between us.  We could have probably stayed all night and we almost did...and we probably owe an apology to our waitress and to Emily for being late for prayer - sorry! 

Today Cole went to "Let it Shine" gymnastics which Tanner runs with his Dad.  Tanner was amazing with Cole and all the kids.  After the class, which Cole nearly refused to take, my son said, "You were right mom, that was super fun...this might turn out to be the best day of my life!"  Cole, Maya and a new friend of ours, Natalie, and I then headed over to the Children's Science museum which was awesome; and then we finished up the afternoon over Pizza at Mellow Mushroom.  When we finally arrive at the Shaohannah's Hope offices at the Factory to meet up with Scott, Cole said, "This is like a vacation...this is one of the best times of my life..thanks Mom!"  

And inside I realized that I felt just the same way - Happy and grateful!  For me it wasn't so much the outward circumstances and the fun activities as it is with kids, but it was what God had done in me and for me....filled me with great peace and joy...and blessed me with times of "real", "safe", and loving fellowship with His children, in the light.  For when we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another."

Freeing our Children by Changing Ourselves

"There, by the Ahava Canal, I proclaimed a fast, so that we might humble ourselves before our God and ask him for a safe journey for us and our children, with all our possessions." Ezra 8:21

After driving 800 miles, Scott and I and our two children made it to Nashville on Monday - safe, sound and still sane - thanks to God alone.  To be perfectly honest, I was shocked by the amount of grace God showed towards us on the trip considering how things started out at home in preparation for it.  

Maya threw a temper tantrum to rival all temper tantrums two days before we left.   No sort of discipline seemed to be working and Scott and I were at a total loss.  And during her episode, I can remember thinking how in the world am I going to do this trip to Nashville. ..with the many hours of driving ahead of us and the fact that we will be living with other respectable people who might ...well, judge us, or simply never want to host us again...uggh!   

People used to often say things like, "Your son, Cole, is so well behaved, what's your secret?" And to that, I was always sure to reply, "I'm not going to take credit for this one because I don't want to take the blame for the next one if he or she is poorly behaved"  And each time I would say this I used to think, "Maybe Cole is so good because we are so consistent with him in love and in discipline,..." and blah blah blah.. !"

But now that God has loved us enough to give us little "spirited" Maya, I am sure glad that the words I expressed were more humble than my inconsistent heart behind them; because Maya sure is giving us a run for our money.  And not only are her actions challenging for us, they are also revealing of us. You see, this episode caused me to look at how I also throw temper tantrums with God.  

The fact is children in so many ways are a reflection of their parents.  And just because our children may not see us doing the same things, God does.  And God loves us enough to grant us a picture of our hearts and actions through the actions and attitudes of our children.  

My mother used to say things like: "If you hear your children lying, be sure to look deep and confess where you may have been lying...or not telling the whole truth.  If you see your children wallowing in self-pity, search your heart and then confess where you may be giving in to an attitude of self-pity.  If you see your children bragging, ask yourself where you have been boastful.  If you see your children fighting, then for their sake and for yours, be willing to really see how you have acted in a contentious manner with your spouse or another loved one."  And Believe it or not, it will be amazing to find how your own recognition and confession of certain sins will have a supernatural freeing effect on your children in those same areas.  

Maya did not want me to put her pants on.  But I kept insisting because we were preparing to leave the house and it was clearly too cold to go out without pants, let alone shameful.  She wanted her way and was tired of wearing pants, but I could see what was coming and needed her prepared to go out in public and in the cold. 

It really was the same with me and God at the time.  God was asking me to put on a certain virtue so that I would not be cold or ashamed before men as well. But I was throwing my own internal temper tantrum at the time.   I was tired of having to be the one to wear long-suffering and gentleness in the presence of those who were being contentious and unloving towards me.  I wanted to go out into public and into the cold of my human relationships just as Maya wanted to... without proper attire to keep me safe, respectable and warm. 

Maya did finally come around and we were so happy to embrace her when all was said and done.  But I did not use her recovery as an excuse not to do the business with God that He was clearly calling me to do. Through my daughter's sin, God was calling me to repent of mine.  So, I took the time to go before Him and ask Him to make me really willing and understanding about the necessity to put on the virtuous clothing I had been fighting against.  You see, Just as I was trying to get across to Maya, God was trying to show me that I would be needing to wear these things for my own sake. 

When I had finally become willing to be soft towards my fellow man, choosing to believe that God knew what is best for me, and also reminding me that I was no better than these whom I feared, God then in turn continued to keep my daughter soft towards Scott and me.  And I know that Maya's turn around was nothing short of supernatural.  Maya can hardly travel an hour in the car without an episode or an attitude outburst, much less 12 hours.  And she did!  Maya's behavior all the way to Nashville was angelic!  Thank you Jesus!   

I must admit that the scripture I quoted at the top of this blog, from the book of Ezra, might be taken a little out of context, but when I read it, it hit such a chord with me and made me laugh that I had to use it...."So that we might humble ourselves before our God and ask him for a safe journey for us and our children, with all our possessions."  And those of you who have traveled with kids certainly know that it sure feels like you have to take all your possessions with you.  

But for the sake of being contextually relevant with God's Word, here is a great scripture about putting on the clothing God has called us to..."Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved , clothe yourselves with tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" Colossians 3:12-14

Safe in the Arms of Jesus

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

The second half of this day turned out to be a time of many tears.  Scott and I visited Isabella's gravesite. There in the pouring rain we simply stood holding one another and saying very little. After we returned to the car, neither of us knew what to say.  It seems that everything had already been said over these last 12 months.  So, we just prayed together ... praying for nearly everything we could think of as we both continued to cry.  When we finished praying Scott started to sing, "Holy, Holy, Holy".  I joined him and we continued until we had sung all the songs we sang at Isabella's funeral one year ago.  During that time I kept wondering how those who don't believe in the resurrection possibly live through the death of a loved one.  We grieved today, but we grieved with hope.  The song that Steven and Matt Redman wrote for us when Isabella died entitled, "Close to Your Heart," says "He's gone before us and He is with us and He will carry us through; she's safe in the arms of Jesus, we're safe in the arms of Jesus."  And I am persuaded that this is all true. 

So, now it is time that I take my other children to bed.  And I know that just as I tuck them safely in bed tonight, and just as Scott holds me as I fall asleep, I am confident that we are all being held, including our precious Isabella, safe in the arms of Jesus.  

Honoring Isabella

"To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."  Isaiah 61:2-3

Although we knew before delivery that our baby would be stillborn, we did not know whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.  When she came forth the doctor told us that the baby was in fact a little girl. 

We had two names we loved for a little boy, but couldn't settle on a name either of us really wanted for a little girl. We had thrown around the name Isabella, among others but never seemed to agree.  As soon as I held her, I sensed as though the Lord were whispering in my ear, "beauty for ashes."  It was followed by a comforting notion which I knew was directly from Him as well:  that although I was holding only my little girl's lifeless body which was soon to return to the ground as ashes, her soul was now perfectly healed, beautiful and safe with Him.  I also sensed a very gentle and loving challenge from the Lord that if Scott and I would continually turn over our ashes of pain and sadness to Him, then He would continue to heal us and also to write something beautiful upon our souls as a result."   And in some strange way I knew even then that continually turning to Jesus was the way I could honor my little girl's life most properly.  

Scott and I had given our other children scriptural blessings at each of their births and so we purposed to do the same for her.  We named her Isabella Grace - or "Bella" Grace which means Beauty in the presence of God; and we gave her the blessing found in Isaiah 61:1-3; “Beauty for Ashes.”  

After a few weeks had passed I began really struggling with the idea of how I could really honor Isabella’s life and keep her memory alive.  I knew that the continual replaying in my mind of the circumstances surrounding her death was beginning to harm my heart and delay my healing.  I also knew that the Lord was calling me to "let go" and continue to live and love well those around me.  The problem that I was facing was that I felt that if I "let go" of the pain, I would be dishonoring her because the pain in my heart was all I left of her. 

So, I cried out to the Lord asking Him how I could obey Him and honor her at the same time.  And then He showed me so clearly that what I do to honor God honors Isabella because she is now One with Him.  Just as the Bride and the Husband are one, my little Isabella is now a member of the Bride of Christ.  She no longer needs my attention; but my other children and my husband desperately did...and they needed me to be a healthy caregiver - physically, mentally, and emotionally.    

If you have read my blog in the past, you have probably heard this before from me; but the reason I am writing it again is because it is perhaps the greatest lesson God has shown me through this sorrow of losing my daughter.  

It is amazing to me to know now by experience the human tendency to want to stop living after losing a child.  How I wanted to take her things and lift them up as if they are now more than just things.  I remember not wanting my other kids to get into Isabella's crib or cradle.  That is until the Lord gently spoke to my soul reminding me that "things are for the living; those who are with Him no longer need them.”  I knew it was a warning to steer clear of idolatry...not to make an idol of her things, or her memory.  But I also sensed a permission from him to simply be sad.  Because I believe God too was terribly sad.  He hated death so much for us that He was willing to die Himself in order to conquer  the second death for those He loved.      

On this very morning, the day we are commemorating the one year anniversary of the death of our baby Isabella, I woke up saying in my mind, "idolatry is not love, obedience is love."   And I sensed this was so because I believe the Lord wanted to remind me that the way I can honor Isabella's life properly was to simply continue to obey by loving those entrusted to me - to love through patience, to love through acts of kindness, to love through forgiveness.  Idolatry is when we do things to lift up someone or something over God, and when we do we are actually unable to really love God and those He has entrusted to us.  So, in honor of Isabella, I have chosen to spend my time while Scott is working, by doing those same things I do most days to love and meeting the needs of my children and husband.  I have straightened the house, made the beds, gave the kids baths, brushed their teeth and got them dressed, juiced carrot/apple juice for all of us, did the dishes, changed the laundry, and now I'm heading to teach Cole his home school lesson.  

And believe it or not, I have immeasurable peace in my heart so far this day.  And I believe it is because of two things, the grace I am receiving in loving obedience and because of the prayers of the saints who are holding us up.  So, thank you for praying for us today.   My hope for all of you is that you will allow Him to make something beautiful out of the ashes you give to Him and that your healing will come as you obey Him by loving those entrusted to you.

A Day of Celebration and Remembrance

Today, January 6^th is my husband Scott’s 37th birthday.  

January 6th also marks the one-year anniversary of the death of our infant daughter, Isabella Grace.  

(I was only two weeks from my due date for delivery when I sensed that the baby in my womb had stopped moving. Scott and I went to the hospital to get a heartbeat check on the baby, and while there we were told that there was in fact no heartbeat.)

So, today, we find ourselves faced with the challenge of properly celebrating Scott’s birthday.  It is my desire to be whole-hearted in celebrating his birthday.  But neither of us wants to deny the reality of the struggle this day presents (particularly this year as it is still so fresh).  For the sake of our own hearts and for our children, Scott and I have chosen January 7th (both tomorrow and in years to come) as the day we will officially commemorate Isabella’s life.  The 7^th is actually the day Isabella’s body was delivered forth from my womb.    

January 6^th, is not only Scott’s earthly birthday and Isabella’s heavenly birthday but it also marks the 12th day of Christmas, when the Christian church celebrates something called Epiphany: when the 3 magi brought gifts to the infant Christ. 

Talk about ironic birthdays:  The three wise men brought gifts, clearly inspired by the Lord, which represented things far beyond just a simple birthday celebration for the birth of the Christ child. Gold represents what is most precious to men on earth; and so this particular gift represented Jesus' Kingship. Frankincense is a spice fitting to offer to a Priest for the purpose of intercessory and healing prayers and so it represents His role as Priest.  And Myrrh was apparently used throughout history as a burial spice, so it must have been the foreshadowing of Jesus' coming role as the sacrificial Lamb on the cross of Calvary. Each gift was intended to foreshadow and to declare Jesus' three intended roles and eternal titles: Gold signifying Jesus as the last and eternal King; Frankincense signifying Jesus the last and Eternal Priest; and Myrrh signifying Him as the last and eternal sacrifice."  Birth, Death, Resurrection and Enthronement…the cycle of the life of Christ all celebrated on one day!  

The name "Epiphany" comes from the Greek word Epiphania, and mean "to show, make known, or reveal;” and this definition of Epiphany is a reminder of God the Father's unlimited love and mercy, which He has extended to all.  So, over these next couple of days January 6^th and 7th, we in the Hasenbalg household have chosen to make known in tangible ways the three titles and roles of God through three celebrations of our own.  

First, in recognition of God as the great gift-giving King, we are taking time to celebrate Scott’s birthday and recognize what a gift he is to our family.  He is such a loving, patient, humble and kind leader and we recognize him as a great and “golden” gift from the Father above to us.  Second, after we celebrate Scott’s birthday dinner here at home as a family we will be burning the bowl of prayers which we gathered from the blog comments and from family and friends and which we have been reading and praying over these last two weeks. We are presenting these as a love offering to God as a way of celebrating Him as our great Priest (Frankincense).   And then tomorrow, Scott and I will be going alone to visit Isabella’s gravesite.  We know that her soul is not there, but we go there as a place to be quiet and to pray as we remember that she is very alive and as a way to celebrate what He has done for her through his role as the slain and resurrection lamb of God. 

So, whether in life or in death, we choose this day to praise Him because nothing can separate us from the love which we have accessed through His son, Jesus Christ, not even death.  I am sad but eternally grateful that Jesus was slated at his birth to die for our sins.  Without His death there would have been no resurrection for men.  And as Scott and I have said very often this year, we never knew how much we needed the resurrection to be real.  Until we lost our own child, we never really grasp how important for us was the life, death, and resurrection of our King, Priest and Lamb!

So, to begin our birthday celebration of my dear husband and blessed earthly covering, Scott, I will close with a scripture which describes his character and a brief word about his way of living among men.  Scott is a man who, “in all diligence seeks continually to add to [his] faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.”   

I remember when deciding whether Scott would be a good husband for me or not and how I specifically thought about whether or not he would be able to stand strong if we went through any part of the tribulation together.   It seemed to me that he would, but at that time I had no way of really knowing.  Well, on January 6^th and 7^th of last year I realized for absolute certain that he was in fact that kind of man....because he was still standing in a spiritual sense as we went through our own personal tribulation period.  As I labored naturally in that hospital bed, knowing that our child would not come forth crying, Scott laid in the hospital bed beside me all the while praying and quietly singing songs of worship over me as he gently embraced me and caressed my head.  I was not alone in the firey furnace!  I looked and there beside me was my husband Scott and surrounding us both was Jesus our sympathetic Savior and King!  

Thank you Jesus for being our ever present and loving King.  For you Jesus are the Great Epiphany.  In you life and death collided and brought forth eternal life!

And thank you Scott for being a very present and loving husband. I am so glad you were born and are here doing life with me - for better and for worse.  I am a woman who is truly blessed! Happy Birthday my love!

Practicing His Presence

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  2 Corinthians 10:5

“Useless thoughts spoil all; so, we ought to reject them as soon as we percieve them…and quickly return to our communion with God.”  (Brother Lawrence)

I hate when my own hurts and fleshly desires steal my joy and peace!!!!  I used to wonder how, after 30 years of walking with God, that I still struggle with some of the same kinds of things.

God has been teaching me a great deal throughout the last 12 months of 2008, and one of these things is on this very topic.   Just because I have been walking with Him a long time does not mean my flesh is getting any better because our flesh is not what He came to redeem.

Our flesh and its lusts is something which will pass away and it is something which we as Christians are called to put in submission to the spirit of God within us continually.  “Putting to death the deeds of the flesh.”

As long as we are still here on this earth we will battle our fleshly desires.  And the flesh always desires to be first and to be comfortable.

We are called to battle our natural and earthly desires to be lifted up over others, to be made more comfortable instead of being spent on behalf of others and for the Lord’s will, to be understood and consulted, to have more and keep rather than to give and share….and the like. Yes, it is very likely that you, like I, struggle to some degree with the same things you struggled with while in high school, or in the seventh grade, or even as a toddler.  The flesh is still the flesh and always will be…ugly and self-loving over God-loving.

But the good news is that the condition of our flesh is not the right barometer for revealing our spiritual growth.  What matters is how we handle these temptations of the flesh when we first “feel” them.  The sign of spiritual growth is how we choose to stand against its desires; to put our flesh in submission more quickly to the spirit and to indulge it less than we did in the past.  The process of recognizing, repenting, seeking pardon, accepting God’s forgiveness, and then accessing His grace to love more quickly is a good barometer for revealing our spiritual growth.

Yes, we will all still get our “feelings hurt” (usually that is code for our pride getting hurt), but all of us will not choose to let our hurts “go” immediately – choosing to give the offense to God.

Have you grown spiritually in 2008?  Ask yourself if you are learning to indulge your hurt feelings less and to confess your faults more quickly?  If you are, then you are learning the key to returning into the presence of God, and therefore enjoying a much more joyful and peace-filled life.  

Happy New Year!  May we all know His peace and joy even more in 2009!