Kerry Hasenbalg

Cross-Tie to Those Well Anchored

Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth. Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior. This kind of talk spreads like cancer... 2 Timothy 2:15-17

Getting together with other women is a curious thing.  I have experienced fellowship with women that has blessed me greatly and which has caused me to develop relationships which have in times of trouble served as a lifeline to Jesus.  I have also experienced gatherings of women which has left me feeling dirty and ashamed - because what I have heard and to which I felt a party simply by my presence.  Gossip and worthless chatter versus the edification of one another by living and loving in the Truth.

For several years while I was living in Northern Virginia, I hosted an informal Bible Study in my home once a week.  There were about six women who faithfully attended, all desiring to live in the light and know the Lord through His Word better.  These women have over the years been a true lifeline and prayer support for me in and I for them in stormy times.  

Now that I am living in a new location, I really have desired to open the home which the Lord has entrusted to us in some way to bless others, but have I been hesitant because I do not want to offend someone by not inviting them.  

Well, God found a way to protect me from this kind of inadvertent thoughtless behavior while at the same time (hopefully) giving me opportunity to once again have intimate fellowship with other women seeking Jesus.  You see, when you open your home for study of the Word and not be exclusive about who may attend, people will self-select - no one is left offended and all who come are aware that it is a gathering for seeking Jesus and not for the purpose of gossip and useless chatter.

Tonight will be the first Bible Study in our home.  There are about 10 women who will be attending.  Several of whom I know and several whom I do not yet know.  But because of how this whole thing came together, I know that it is God who desires it to be and that it is God who has drawn each woman.  We are going to be doing Beth Moore's Esther study.  And I am really excited about it.  (I actually caught myself dancing in the bread section of the grocery story because of the anticipatory joy I have about gathering to study the Word in this way again.)   

And honestly for me, after having gone through this most recent loss of another child, I really feel too raw to gather with women for any other reason than to seek the One who is still healing me.  

By the way, I want those of you out there who are reading this blog to know that I have really been blessed by your encouragement and prayers. Even when I do not respond to your comments, know that I read each and prayed for all requests. 

I would also like to encourage others who are suffering now to seek the Lord in His Word and through Godly fellowship because in stormy times it is critical that we cross-tie the boat that is our soul to other well-anchored souls and also directly into Jesus through His Word.  Because these kinds of moorings will keep us safe.  When we run for help to those who are not anchored properly in Jesus themselves and if we tie our hopes to them, we will most certainly be wrecked by them when storms erupt, because they have nothing firm and secure to keep them safe either.  Jesus and His Word are the only firm and secure anchors in these stormy waters called life.  My soul is still safe and I have been through storms that I was sure would have crushed me, but they did not thanks be to Jesus who held me tight and secure! 

While the Bridegroom's Away

Jesus answered, "Can you make the guests of the bridegroom fast while he is with them?  But the time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; in those days they will fast." Luke 5:34-35

I’ve been comforting myself with these scripture for several weeks now, but not for spiritual reasons; but rather, as a motivator to get back in proper eating order once Scott heads back on the road.  (Who can fast when the bridegroom is with them, right?) 

Seriously, I ate way too much while our family was away in Sanibel, Florida.  I actually think I ate more ice cream there than I’ve eaten this entire year.  Perhaps I left some of my sorrow in the bottom of each cone or pint, or perhaps I just added some new suffering to my hips.

Anyhow, when my earthly bridegroom, Scott, headed off for Nashville and Chattanooga a few days ago, I used his absence as an opportunity to go on the Hallelujah diet, which for me consists primarily of freshly juiced carrots and whole, raw fruits and veges. 

I am sure it would have been good for me to have eaten better while away, particularly considering the toll miscarrying takes on one's body; but for some reason I just didn’t.  (Again, who can fast while the bridegroom is with them?) 

In all honesty, I find it interesting how it seems more natural to “fast” when my husband is away then when we are together, both in a physical sense and in a spiritual sense.  His absence and the longing for his return seems to compel me to pray more and to prepare well for his return.  Just about every time Scott’s on the road, I end up deep cleaning and reordering the house.  This time I got our screened-in porch furniture out and cleaned it off to surprise him.

But also, in a spiritual sense, I find that the kids and I are praying more strongly and more often for him when he’s away.  Actually, last night as I was putting the kids to bed and had just finished praying over them, Cole said, “Mom, can I pray too?” “Absolutely Cole,” I said.  Cole then prayed, “Dear God, I know mom just prayed for Dad, but I also want to pray for him because we never know what evil things Satan might be up to and we really want our dad to be safe and come home soon, in Jesus Name, Amen.”  

Yes, there is a noticeable “lack” in the family home when the bridegroom is away – as well as a longing on the part of this bride and his children for His speedy return.

Seriously, I really do not want to miss the spiritual parallel in this earthly picture of marriage.  While our heavenly bridegroom is away, working on our behalf, let us ask ourselves if we are using the time wisely to clean up and properly order our dwelling places, that is our hearts, homes, and ministries,  so that when the Lord returns He will be pleased to find a well-ordered house, a joyful family, and a healthy bride.  

“For your Maker is your husband-- the Lord Almighty is his name-- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:5

We are thrilled that Scott is now home!  We picked him up from the airport this evening. He, too, is happy for us all to be together again, and to be returning to an orderly, loving home.  It seems that no matter how wonderful other places may be, there really is no place like being home, united as a family, particularly when your house is a house of peace.  And thanks to the great grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, our house is a house of peace.

Lord, thank you for this earthly reminder that we are to be diligent in preparing for Your return for us your bride and for Your Father’s children!”  Help us to love and serve all those whom you entrust to us, even and especially the needy and the "least of these our brethren." Help us to choose spiritually healthy and obedient lifestyles, and also to edify others while living in proper order in your body, considering others better than ourselves.  May we sacrifice for the sake of others and for Your blessing now while You are away, knowing that we will feast soon enough in your presence! May your people not be ashamed upon your return.   

The following is a picture of tonight’s sunset from the screened-in porch I just furnished.  Scenes of God's creation really serve as reminders for us that He is real and that He is indeed coming!

And this next one is a picture of Cole and Maya’s choice of clothing for the day of their Daddy’s return – Meet the Knight and Princess (Tinkerbell.)  These costumes seemed quite fitting in a spiritual sense, seeing as we are waiting for our Heavenly Daddy, who is also our Lord and King! 

How joyful we will be when You, oh Lord, return and scoop us up into your loving Fatherly arms! Maranatha! 

Count the Cost

"In his days Hiel of Bethel built Jericho; he laid its foundation at the cost of Abiram his first-born, and set up its gates at the cost of his youngest son Segub, according to the word of the Lord spoken by Joshua the son of Nun."  I Kings 16:34

"Some things cost too much.  We should bear that in mind in making decision which may seem desirable in many ways, but which have too high a price attached to them....'At the cost of his first-born shall he lay its foundation, and at the cost of his youngest son shall he set up its gates.' [This record] tells enough to warn the wise. Some things do cost too much! Jesus said that we should 'count the cost'.  What we are doing with each day, the choices we make, the things we seek - all have prices attached to them."

These were the words of the devotional I read today.  Ironically, I was reading from an old devotional of my grandmother's (who has already gone to be with Jesus).  And reading this caused me to think deeply not only about my own choices which affect my family but also the choices of those who have gone before me and the many sacrifices they made for my benefit.    

Scott had to fly on to be with SCC for the upcoming UNITED tour leg, so my older brother, Bobby, picked Maya, Cole and me up at the airport last night.  As we got in the car Bobby said, "Wait until you see your garage."  "What, what?" I said.  "Please tell me, is it something bad?"  He said, "Oh, you have no idea, do you?  Well then, sorry, can't tell you.  But don't worry, it's very good."  

As it turns out it was more than good, it was amazing....Amazing because I have incredibly loving and sacrificing parents, who, at considerable cost to themselves, decided to surprise me with a blessing which I never expected and could not have received any other way. My mother and father apparently spent many days at my house while we were away unpacking boxes and organizing our garage.  I had left half of the garage filled with boxes that I had not yet unpacked since moving in 6 months ago.  My parents decided to unpacked each box for us (and there were many) and then organized each item perfectly in our garage or in our house.  

"A place for everything and everything in its place," My mother often says.  You see, my mother has a supernatural gift that God decided not to give me:  She can organize anything and find the perfect place for each and every item! I can keep them in their place, but until they have a place I am in trouble -frozen really! But instead of using this gift only for herself, my mom quietly and without judgment seeks to use it to help the ones she loves when they might not be able to "keep up" with the organization of their own things. 

When I left for Florida, I saw how my mother was suffering internally for me because of our losing another child.  My mom said, "I want to help you but I don't know how; I have never been through this and I just don't know how to help you."  By imagining what I would be feeling as a mother if Maya were going through the loss of a child one day, I felt as though I could understand my own mother's heartache for me.  I knew she was hurting deeply; and somehow just the fact that she showed up and shared how she wanted to take my pain away was helpful.  I asked her just to pray, but I really didn't need to say that because I already knew she was praying - she prays a lot. Our children know if we pray or not!      

But I know that what she was talking about was wanting to help in some tangible human way.  But you know when I got home and saw all that she had done, I realized that my mother did know exactly how to help in a tangible way.  She helped by using the very gifts and talents which the Lord had given her!  And isn't this what we are all called to do.  To be the parts of the body that God has called us to be and to do what we are called to do for the edification of others.  But helping sure can be a sacrifice!

  

Both of my parents have lived their lives serving and caring for others.  Growing up they were always there for us, giving to us and doing for us and almost always at their own expense of time and money. There were a number of discussions throughout the years about mom possibly going back to work to help with the bills, but she and dad always landed on her staying home with us and seeking to minister for free to people in the community, even if it meant more sacrifice. And now my parents are in their golden years; but instead of slowing down in the area of service they continue to choose to sacrifice for us in ways innumerable.  

What an incredible heritage they have given to us as their children..a testimony of thousands of sacrificial acts for the sake of others.  "Lord, help me to choose this way for my own children. There are so many things which compete for our time, and also this nagging voice constantly telling us that it is "our" time.  Lord, teach us to lay down "our" time in sacrifice for the sake of others just as you laid it all down for the sake of all your children!  May the choices we make not be at the cost of our children but at the cost of our flesh for the sake of the children you have entrusted to us.  And may these choices bring you glory and us peace!"  

Thank you MOM and DAD!  You made coming home and being here without Scott so much better than I could have ever imagined!  I am humbled by your love! I hope that the way I love my husband and children blesses you and tells you that the sacrifices you made were worth it!  You have been very good life teachers for your children! May the Lord repay you beyond your greatest dreams! Enjoy your vacation, you sure deserve it!!      

 

"In the Light"

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. I John 1:7

Tomorrow we return home.  (Oh how I wish I could stay here forever.)  I have felt so loved and so protected by God and by faithful members of His Body the entire time, which was an indescribable blessing for me in this difficult season.  

I have been to beautiful places before, but I know that this was not the reason for the great "peace" I've experienced here, particularly when my personal circumstances were so trying.  I spent some time thinking about the reasons for such peace and the profound feeling of safety. Certainly the scenery was breath-taking and the weather was terrific; but I know from past experiences that if the soul is not at peace, it does not matter what the weather or the scenery are like.  I have been unhappy in plenty of beautiful places on gorgeous days before.  

But there are a few things that I believe do always matter and that is the people with whom we interact, how we interact, and the god whom we seek and serve in these places.  And in this case all the people with whom God has had me interact are individuals who seek to live "in the light"  - the light of Him who is love and truth.  They are all truth seekers, not hiding behind religious self-righteous ways or doctrines. Not pretending to have all the answers. Rather they are people who are continually seeking to learn and grow, bless and uplift. They readily admit when they are wrong as they also long to be purified by the lover of our souls.  We spent time in the morning reading the Word together, talking about the things which God has been ministering in each of our lives.  Even lovingly challenging one another, apart from all judgement.  And our children played so kindly together the entire time. Each morning before the children would head off to Sea School they would be prayed over by one of the adults and reminded that God asks for the  "Words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts to be acceptable in His sight." This kind of edification is what I believe God intends for us so much of the time, but unfortunately I have found it to be far too rare. There is usually so much competition in the body of Christ...So much hiding and pretending...So much judgement, expectations, and jealousies.  But for this special time, God saw fit to protect me from these things and to keep me safely protected in the circle of His body!   

God's principles of interacting:  Make allowances for others faults....consider others better than yourself....edify one another...speak the truth in love...build one another up...put off envy and selfish ambition...love your neighbor as you would want to be loved.  And you know when we do these things by the power of God within us, it is amazing how even profoundly imperfect people (like us) can end up a part of real friendships.

Thank you Jesus!  And thank you friends for living in the light. 

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. I John 1:7 

The Blessing of the Scars

Even in laughter the heart may sorrow. Proverbs 14:13

Last evening was a time of many tears for me.  We spent some time in prayer with our dear friends, and in that time I presented my deep sorrow once again to the Lord.  So much laughter we have had here, but such deep sorrow has been present there underneath.  I am so grateful for the many prayers of the saints because I know this has helped me laugh with my two children, Cole and Maya, along this way. I don't want to miss the blessings in the valley!! 

I know that the "cut" again is deep in my soul. But I praise the Lord that I am able to look upon the other healed scars upon my soul and remember that God has healed me in the past and that He will be faithful to do so again.  And I believe that again He is allowing this "cutting" to carve something beautiful in my life and to know Him more.   

One of the commenters on this blog (Stacie), shared this poem with me and it really touched me deeply.  I suppose it expresses what I feel I have experienced in carrying in my womb these precious children only to mourn their deaths before they were born.

A poem by Martha Snell Nicholson (a "mendicant" is a beggar): I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own. I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart I cried, "But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart. This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me." He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee." I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore, As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more. I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace, He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

God's Tender Mercies

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Col.2:7...."Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Col. 3:15

I have learned through past trials that there is tremendous healing power in praise. It is something I do not understand but have experienced and believe in with all my heart.  Often praise is something we choose to do by setting aside the feelings of hurt or anger, self-pity or even despair which war against the Holy Spirit with in us.  

Although we may believe we have a "right" to these feelings when we are in great trials, the truth is that indulging them doesn't usually make us feel much better whether we have a "right" to them or not.  Ben Carson, the famous pediatric neurosurgeon at John's Hopkins, spoke at the church we visited this morning, and one of the things he said really spoke to me.  He said, "The more rights you think you have, the more angry of a person you become because people (and circumstances) are constantly infringing upon those rights."  He then said, "Take yourself out of the center of the circle and then peace can enter."  

When I heard that last part I realized why praying for others who are in similarly painful or even more painful trials has really helped restore my peace even in the midst my own trials.  It seems that praying for other sufferers has an amazing way of getting ourselves out of the center of the circle!  It no longer is all about me and my pain.  In the natural this seems that it might be harmful as if avoiding our own reality.  But I believe that it is not harmful.  I believe it is something supernatural that is actually taking place within us.  We choose to believe that God will heal the pain within us in His way and in His time even while we are not clinging to thoughts of it; and in the meantime we can take part in the healing process by inviting the Healer to enter in through praising Him and praying for others. Certainly the waves of pain do naturally come and during these times God's grace is there for the processing.  I just think we can really benefit by making intercession and praise a key component particularly in our own valley times.

It seems to me that when we choose to praise our eyes are opened in such a way that we can see even more clearly the great works and power of His grace and His loving and tender mercies towards us!  And this has curative power!

These pictures are intended to show just a few of the very many tender mercies that God has shown towards me; blessings for which I praise Him this day:

Thank you for your continued prayers for my family and me!  

Join me if you like in reading the following Psalm to Him who is worthy of our praise!

 "I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works....The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever." Psalm 145: 

The Lord of the Valley

"Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort Me."  Psalm 23

This morning, I woke up and looked out from the porch where we're staying and what I saw was a beautiful scene revealing God’s magnificent love and mercy through His creation, and this lifted my downcast spirits and made my heart smile.   I could have been anywhere at this time, but God chose for me to be here and for this I am so very grateful.  And I am thankful that he lifted my head enough to even see this scene before me.   

(Thanks also to our dear friends for allowing us to stay in your condo!)

I am really trying to rest my very sore body, but I decided that it would be far better for my spirits to rest on a chair on the sandy beach by the ocean than to stay indoors all day.  First, we sent Cole off to sea school with the other home-school kids. After that, Scott carried some chairs for Maya and me to the beach before he set out on his morning jog and then headed back to his computer work and conference calls at the condo.

As I sat there on the beach, watching my little girl play in the sand I finally took the time to talk to my Lord…the same Lord who allowed all the emotional and physical pain mixed together with the many blessings of this recent season.  It was a strange thing for me to realize that it had been quite some time since I had truly been quiet before him…at long last I was coming without so many aching questions and desperate desires.  Yes, it was the first time in a very long time I was coming not seeking another child for our family.  It wasn’t that the desire was gone, but rather it was as if it was now in submission to something greater but hard to understand.  I suppose, this recent and very humbling loss had now left me quite speechless on the matter before God.

 “Good Morning Lord,” was all I could muster for awhile.   “I am just here before you having no idea what to say.”

 “I suppose I just want to stop questioning, and thinking and hurting.  Perhaps I will just spend some time enjoying the wonders of your creation.” I don’t know what to do except wait for whatever is next.”  It all just ends up like a surprise anyhow, right Lord – good and bad. But, I will wait for You without fear. I know there are many wonders before me in the sea, but my mind cannot even imagine what to imagine about them. So, I will rest and wait here and be open for You to show me and teach me whatever you believe is best for me this day.” 

So, for a long time, I just looked out at the sea, watching the waves and the seagulls and pelicans flying and diving before me.  I watched my little girl dig in the sand and then clean her hands in the waves over and over again.  After a while, I decided to read from the devotional I had brought to the beach in my bag.  And there it was, the first thing the Lord would speak and teach my willing heart this day. I will share what to me is the most ironic and amazing, pertinent, convicting and loving excerpt I have read in recent times, March 20^th, “My Utmost for His Highest,” by Oswald Chambers said: 

 “Think of the last thing you prayed about  - were you devoted to your desire or to God?  ‘Your Heavenly Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask Him.’  The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. ‘Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.’ Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.”

The last big thing I had really prayed about in my life was the exact same thing I had prayed about nearly every day for more than a year…for the Lord to heal my heart and to add another child to our family whether through my body or adoption.   Although I had taken many, many prayers to the King this past year…prayers for many others who were sick and needy, hurting and longing, but still I can not remember a time that I did not ask the Lord to also heal me well and place another child in our family.

I had heard it said before that the competition between the good and the best can be very subtle and even hidden, particularly when it comes to the desires of the heart, but I never imagine it would be so hidden from me. And I never imagine it would be something like this.  (How’s that for prideful – UGGH!)

Be fruitful and multiply….that was a pretty early command from the Lord, right?!  So clearly trusting God with our fertility and desiring more children is a good thing to do in His book (the Good Book that is), right?!  

I knew that the Word teaches that the Lord often will not give us what we ask if we ask amiss or out of selfish motives, but I really did not think that the things I was asking for would be considered selfish or amiss – because they are good and “godly” desires.   Plus, wouldn’t giving our family another child only testify to others that God can restore the huge hole left by this death in our family…After such a great loss we suffered last year, would He not desire to show Himself merciful to us and reveal a loving testimony to others by giving us another child now?  I must admit that these were some of my natural thoughts this past year. 

But when I read this devotional today, the words nearly jumped off the page and pierced my heart.  I desired another child and God’s healing hand more than I had desired Him and whatever He deemed best for me. It wasn’t the desire that was wrong, it was the place in my heart that I had given to the desire that was wrong. My desire had become an idol usurping my love for God and trust in Him.   Nothing He could show me, teach me, or reveal to me about Him, His ways or His creation would have compared to the fulfillment of this burning desire within me.  For more than a year, I had come to the Lord with conditions, and I truly did not even know it.  The good had become the hindrance to the best.  And this after all was the source of the fear, which plagued me these many months: the fear that the longing would not be fulfilled.   Instead of laying it down or submitting it to the Lord’s will, I simply prayed about it more, as if begging Him and not knowing it.  And then the very thing that I feared the most, came upon me.  I actually lost another child; I lost the next child!

I can’t go so far as to believe this is why I am going through this pain and loss of a child.   I actually have walked this path before of desiring a child and that time I did not lose a child but rather I had been given another.  After my first miscarriage, I prayed probably everyday for another baby, and God gave us Maya soon thereafter.  Although I did not realize it then, my desire for a child was greater than my desire for the Lord, yet God, in His mercy, chose to grant it, for His purposes.  So, I don’t believe this is what caused such a loss this time. What I do believe is that today when I went before Him, finally quiet and resting in His Sovereign hand, what I found and heard, learned and discovered was that something had suddenly become right and straight in my relationship with Him that had for so long been wrong and crooked in it.  Being humbled in trials sure does have a way of opening our ears to hear, our eyes to see and our minds to understand.

And you know, realizing this truth only felt like LOVE!  It gave me great peace and comfort.  I didn’t feel chastened, I just felt loved.  Tears rolled down my face as I realized how close He was to me just then. His rod and His staff had pulled me close to His side.

I began thinking about how there have been so many seasons of my life that I have placed a certain human desire over a pure desire for Him and His will.  As a teen I desired to be thin and get good grades at times more than I desired anything else.  Before I was married, I desired for God to reveal my husband more than I desired anything else. During several season of my life when I felt unjustly harmed by others, I desired to be vindicated more than I desired anything else. Often my reputation before men matter more than my life being pleasing in the sight of God.  And as I look back during each of these desperate times of my heart, I realize now that I lacked a deep sense of peace…a sense of peace that I actually know now in this sad but fertile valley.  

While I was sitting there on the chair and realizing how freeing is this truth, I heard a gentleman, who was standing knee deep in the ocean water just in front of us, yell, “I just found an octopus!”

I yelled back to him, “You did, may we see it?”

“Sure,” he said, “Let me come out of the water and show you and your baby.”

Oh, how very quickly the Lord began showing us the hidden things of the sea, the wonder of His amazing creation.  I never could have imagined what Maya and I would see right then, right there.  Thank you Lord for showing up for us in this place!  You are so good to me, Oh, Lord, You are good even in the valley! 

  I had my flip video camera with us at the beach, so I filmed it.  If you’d like to see, here’s a little 1.5 minute clip of the baby octopus found hidden in a clam shell -which surprised us by spitting at me, then at Maya.  Click Here for Octopus Video Clip

T.M.I.

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."James 1:2-4

Starting at 4:15am and ending around 6:30am this morning, God saw fit to take me through the physically most difficult part of the natural miscarrying process.  As of yesterday, I was officially 12 weeks along in my pregnancy, although I found out through ultrasound, at ten weeks, that the baby had passed somewhere between 8 weeks and 8 weeks and four days.

I will be somewhat brief in sharing what took place during those hours and I will try not to give you too much information about the process. (It may be T.M.I. for some, so I apologize upfront)  What I can say is that it felt a great deal like labor pains and contractions.

 I have given birth three times in the past, at 40 weeks, 37 weeks and 36 weeks.  Only one of those times did I do so naturally, without an epidural, and that was with the 36 week pregnancy, which was with Isabella who we knew was going to be born still.   This physical pain in miscarrying at 12 weeks was surprisingly similar to the middle stage of my past labor experiences and the strong contractions that accompany them.  What was different was the lack of great pressure and pain that occurs in the latter stages of the birthing process of a full-grown child.  In addition, the length of the whole painful process of miscarrying was much shorter than actual full-term labor.  (I have read that the pain in miscarrying varies widely – this is just what I experienced. And for the record, four Advil just didn’t cut it.)

I am so grateful that the Lord saw fit to have this all take place while our children were peacefully sleeping in the other room.   Scott was with me throughout, rubbing my back and praying for me. Once again, he showed himself to be a man of great compassion, love and faith.  

I told Scott that if I only had this much grace to get through the natural birthing process of Isabella I don’t know that I actually would have survived.  I realized as I spoke these words however that the concept of sufficient grace was becoming very real to me as a result.  God was in fact giving me just enough grace for this moment and not the amount I needed for moments in the past or for the next one when I will need it. 

I also remember feeling very strongly that this experience did not feel very “spiritual’ but just terribly, horribly human and earthbound.  I did not sense the same overwhelming presence of the Lord in this fire as I did in the hospital birthing Isabella.  Instead, it was more of a subtle, just enough sort of grace, that was coming from inside of me, but clearly given to me from the Spirit of the Lord. Almost as if the fruit of the vine, that what was planted back then, was being called upon now to sustain us in this time.

I semi-jokingly asked Scott somewhere mid-process if this is what he felt like he signed of for when we agreed to marry, all the while with me rocking and moaning in bed beside him, wearing the least attractive outfit yet, (old person depends and a hole-y T-shirt.) 

He simply answered, “Yes, I believe I did.”  And I was reminded in that moment that this was in fact one of the things we had spoken about in premarital counseling and a reason we both believed we would be good for one another even back then.  We both had talked about the notion that someday we would have personal tribulation and that we felt the other would still stand in such times.  I am glad we believed it then and I am glad it has turned out to be true of us both.  Still standing in Him that is.   It is also amazing how in times like these, the petty things of life are really brought into proper perspective.

Just as the process began to settle down, Maya woke up.  She came into our bedroom, climbed into my bed and handed me what she said was a “present” for me.  She gave me my mascara that she had picked up at the potty on her way in the room.  She then proceeded to accidentally kick me square in the stomach.   (She’s like one of those clumsy large dogs that can’t properly walk over a person lying on the floor.) I realized that I was much more sore after the fact than I had anticipated I would be.   She felt badly when I responded with a very loud, “Ouch Maya!”  She then put her arms around me and said, “Dada aren’t you going to hug Momma?”  Scott then put his arms around me as he lay on the other side.  Then Maya said, for the first time ever, “Dadda can we PWAY?”

Scott said, “Absolutely Maya, that is a very good idea.”  What an amazingly tender moment.  Exactly what I needed was a hug from my little girl and my husband to take us once again to my heavenly father; and God knew it and had spoken it through one of His little ones –once again!

Anyhow, I chose this scripture that is placed at the top of the blog because I believe it was God’s tender encouragement to me this morning. It is actually the first scripture I saw when I woke up. It had come into my phone through some random music industry advertisement, believe it or not. 

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."James 1:2-4

My oh my, how these words of God really blessed me.  In many ways this was my most earnest prayer throughout these past weeks.  I wanted to know that if I ended up in a similar situation in the future that it was not because I had impatiently run through this trial and missed what God had intended to do in me. I know it was Scott’s earnest desire as well.  In the natural, I have wanted to speed this process along many times; however, each time I went into prayer I would always tell the Lord that I truly wanted it to take place in His perfect timing.  I knew that Love was to be first and foremost patient, and so, I kept asking God to really help me to be patient in my love for Him - because of His great love for me. 

Thank you for your prayers. I am confident that the grace we have experienced, particularly the continual lifting of my heard over these few weeks, was as a result of the prayers of the Righteous in Christ interceding on Scott and my behalf.   For those who have shared your own similar struggles, please know that I have also lifted you up and will continue to do so.  And to those who encouraged us in the comments through kind words and scriptures, please know that they ministered greatly to Scott and my heart.   

So, while you are praying for us in the season, I want to add that my husband, Scott, could really use some extra prayer.  It seems that every time we go through a personal tragedy or firey trial things at work heat up and get terribly busy. With SCC's and Michael W.'s upcoming United Tour and Shaohannah's Hope being represented and presented each night, it is really crazy preparing just now.   It just really does seem that when Scott is most weak emotionally and greatly needed at home, he is called upon to do even more at work, at least that’s how it seems to me.  

So, again, thank you for your prayers!  Tenderest mercies and most abundant grace!

God is God and I am not

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:2

On the one-hand, today seems like a vacation day that is just like any other vacation day.  Woke up and ate some fruit and bagels for breakfast with the family.  Scott worked a bit while Cole and I homeschooled together.  Maya sufficiently distracted all of us and made work and home-school less productive than normal.  We went for a family bike ride.  Returned home and had turkey Ruben sandwiches for lunch, courtesy of chef Scott. Cole and his daddy then headed to the tennis courts, while Maya and I spent some time swimming in the pool together. It really was good fun.  I would swim a lap of the pool and she would meet me by the ladder at the other end where she would jump in and climb on my back so that I could swim her back to the other end. (Momma dolphin and baby dolphin game)  She’d get off and say, “Meet you at the train station.”  Then, once again she’d walk/run to the other end of the pool and we’d do the same thing all over again.  After some time we returned to the condo to get cleaned up for dinner. We plan on heading in a little bit to a restaurant called the Mucky Duck on Captiva Island.  Just a very nice uncomplicated day – at least on the surface it is quite uncomplicated.  But there is so much going on underneath it all - in me, and certainly in Scott as well. 

So many questions and ponderings of the heart happened on that bike ride, in the pool, while eating our meals…all along, all the while, all these days:  Why do women miscarry?  Why do I continue to lose children? Is it the environment, Pollutants? Is it the fact that we are so far from the fall and our bodies aren’t working well?  Genetics?  Diet? Is it just necessary for my spiritual growth? Is it the justice of God coming upon us as a nation because we continue to allow and justify abortion and I am just someone living here who hasn’t spoken up enough, prayed enough or really cared enough?  Is it random?  Does it even matter?  Is God calling me to be satisfied with the two wonderful children I have?  Is longing for more mean I am not satisfied?  When will this miscarriage actually happen?  Am I missing a lesson that you are trying to teach me Lord?  Do you see me as a woman who has five children from the heavenly perspective or do things not work that way?  Do Angels go through a sanctification process too or is this only reserved for humans? Is it wrong that this loss seems less painful to me than it did losing Isabella at full-term?  Does it mean I have grown used to this kind of suffering or is it something worse like my heart didn’t attach this same because of the time in the womb?  Is this wrong? Am I more calloused? Am I stuffing some emotions? Or have I learned to trust you more?  Am I learning what I need to through this?  Does learning actually mean we will be spared anything in the future?  Will Scott be ok?  Will your grace include less physical pain in the upcoming process or is that not what you have planned? 

And then after I run through these kinds of questions and many others, I just seem to land on the same comforting thoughts:  His grace is sufficient.  He loves me.  I am glad He is in control and that I trust Him.  Maybe I land on these thoughts or maybe I just choose their truth.  But prayer sure does help me get there.   Scott and I had a great talk today – verbalizing many of the things that we were each individually wrestling with.  When we finished Scott took my hand and prayed one of the most honest prayers I have ever witnessed in my life.  When he finished all I could do was tell him how much I loved him and how much his prayer helped my questioning heart become peaceful again. 

I want to encourage other hurting souls out there to pray together... pray together with your spouse!  When one of you is hurting – pray together with another who loves you! Although the questions don’t usually get answered (at least not the kinds listed above), the presence of God and the love which follows somehow makes the questions less relevant.  Just as God said to Job in answering Job’s questions about suffering with the notion that only God is God and that His ways are beyond finding out...prayer reminds us of the same.  Job simply said, "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.”  Communicating with God through prayer helps remind us that God is God and that it is Ok that his ways are beyond finding out.  Why?  Because He loves us and will do what is necessary so that His plans will not be thwarted, even and especially His plans for those who have placed their trust in Him.  Romans 8:28, "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose."  All things, even these things...even the great big difficult things!

The Reality of Heaven

"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." Luke 18:17

So, how do we receive the kingdom of God as a little child?  I think we receive it by truly believing in it.  

Almost everyday Cole says something about heaven.

Two day ago, Cole and Mariah Haas were talking about finding different animals in Seaschol.  Cole said, "If I found an alligator and then wrestled with it and closed its mouth, I would have you to take a picture of me; then I would send it up to heaven with a note that said, 'Steve Erwin, I'm your biggest fan."

Yesterday, Cole said, "Mom, when you die can I have your flip video camera so that I can take pictures myself.  I answered, "Cole I would like to let you use it and maybe eventually get your your own before I die so that I can be around to see and enjoy you using it.  Cole replied, "Well, mom, I am sure God has the ability to let you see me and enjoy me using it from heaven too."

This morning, I told Cole to put the snacks away because he and Maya had eaten enough.  "Cole said, I think I am really going to enjoy being able to eat as many snacks as I want in heaven, like yogurt pretzels and Cheetos"

I really love that heaven is not an obscure place for him and that it is so very real.  I hate the fact that it became so real to him because of the death of his sister, Isabella. I wish it had developed so strongly some other way, however, I do see how God has used it to write and solidify an amazing truth in his little heart.   A place as real as here but just found someone else - somewhere even better.

(Note to Rachel M., Tricia W. and the others who have asked for prayer, please know that I am praying for you! And that I am so sorry for your pain.)

The Test of Discipleship

I read a really good book today written by, Jeanne Guyon, who was a friend and contemporary of Francious Fenelon, entitled, The Final Steps in Christian Maturity. Ms. Guyon suffered profoundly for her faith in Christ under the French King Louis XIV. She actually spent the latter part of her life imprisoned for the things she wrote. Her writings talk a great deal about how the soul is intended to grow through suffering, and how our desires can become less aligned with our sinful self and more with the desires of the Spirit of God as a result of our trials. Honestly, what I read today was exactly what my soul needed to hear.  So, for those interested, here are some of the notes I took while reading the book today:

“By what evidence can you know you are in this state of self originating desires and not in a will which is in concert with God? Ah, the answer is simple and is really quite easy to discern!  A believer who has been persecuted and becomes bitter…a believer who has known disappointment because of the conduct of another believer (or someone in the world) and is resentful…and most of all, that Christian who has been disappointed in God because of what He has done, and is unhappy with God and with the state he is in at the hands of so unfair a God…surely a Christian who experiences these emotions is not in a state where his will is in concert with God; he is, rather, in a state where self is originating the desires of the heart. 

       We do not always understand the will of God, but to trust His sovereignty completely is another matter.

       When the Christian fixes his mind on what God should be, and then when God does not act according to his expectation, he will surely suffer disappointment.  Further, be sure, he has not a soul abandoned to the providence of God!  He is not seeking the felicity and the well-being of God alone.  There is a mixture.  That mixture can destroy his inner walk with the Lord.

       As the believer deepens in his abandonment to Christ, outwards things (caused by persecution, injustice, and even what is perceived to be the unfairness of God and the displeasure of God) are things no longer perceived nor reacted to. “

“Not many Christians seek after a deeper walk with their Lord….

There comes a time in the believer’s life when the Lord withdraws the joy.  He will seemingly withdraw the graces.  At the same time, the Christian may also find himself in a period of persecution.  Further, he may find much difficulty in his home or private life.  He may also be experiencing great difficulties with his health.  Somewhere there will be a great deal of pain or other losses too numerous to mention.  The believer may also be undergoing experiences, which he feels are totally unique to himself.  Other Christians, in who he has put his trust, may forsake him and mistreat him.  He may feel that he has been very unjustly treated.  He will feel this toward men and he will feel it toward his God, for – in the midst of all this other pain and confusion – it will seem that God, too, has left him!

       Even more believers give up the journey when the Lord seems to have forsaken them in the spirit and left their spirit dead – while the world and all else is crashing in on them, friends forsaking them, and great suffering and pain abounding everywhere in their lives. 

       Now comes the true test of discipleship.  It is only here that our commitment to Christ is tested.  There has been adventure, enthusiasm, and excitement of launching out into the unknown, as well as the joy of finding a deep fellowship with God.  But the true land of promise always lies beyond a vast wasteland.  Promise is found only on the far side of a desert. 

When a Christian has reached this wilderness, this desolate place, this dark night of the senses, this time that touches the very experience of Christ when He cried out “Why??”…it is only at that time, when the believer walks by naked faith, that he begins to become truly established and well founded in his Lord.

Only a few will, quietly and serenely, continue to seek after Him.  Hidden.  Humble.  Unnoticed. Unrewarded. Unproclaimed.  Expecting nothing, except that God be blessed!  Not the creature!  But God! “

“There is but one way God explains His design for your life.  It is this:  he does it by putting the soul of the believer into the crucible of the most severe trials.  He brings that soul to the point of sacrificing to his Lord all that he possesses, and not only what he possesses but his entire being, and not just for time only, but for all eternity.”

“And as you pass through this inexplicable experience, and when you have lost all hope of ever beholding another dawn, remember that to Him even darkness is light.”

(Again, thanks for your prayers.  Needing them - appreciating them!)

If you enjoy this style of teaching, I encourage you to pick up a copy of the small devotional book entitled, "Let Go" by Fenelon. Awesome and inspiring - but sometimes difficult truth for our flesh to swallow.

Reasons to Rejoice

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Hebrews 12:15

When we are in our own personal times of trial, it is very possible to miss the grace of God even though it is still there to be seen and found by us if we are willing to look.  There is a biblical warning given to us about missing the grace of God.  It says that by not CHOOSING to SEE His grace that is all around us, our hearts will begin to grow a bitter root that will eventually cause trouble for us and for many others.  However, if we are willing to open our spiritual eyes to see the grace that is ever-present, whether in HIs creation or in the lives of those around us, even when we ourselves are walking in the valley of the shadow of death, then we will have grace sufficient to see us through our own times of pain and weakness. (We are not islands, we are a part of a great whole - a body...and we need, even and especially in times of trial to see ourselves as connected to one another for our own sake.  I believe that rejoicing with those who rejoice can actually help heal us in our own times of mourning.)

And I want to share with you how God is showing me His graciousness all around me. In my opinion, God sure does know exactly what forms of His grace will be most beneficial in our personal times of need - grace that is very often found by looking at the lives of those He has placed right there in our midst.

For me, God has seen fit to give me hope in this valley by reminded me of his faithfulness through the lives of my friends, Bill and Jeanie Haas and their five younger children, who are with us on vacation. What is amazing to me is how the living testimonies to God's faithfulness in their lives is exactly what my heart needed to witness to keep me hopeful for my own future.  

Jeanie not only has experienced two second trimester natural miscarriages but she has also experienced the death of one son to full-term stillbirth and the death of another son at a few weeks of age.  So, how do these tragedies of her painful past ultimately give me hope?  Because I can see so clearly how she went on to emotionally and physically heal so very well; and not only that but to also birth three more healthy children between her maternal ages of 38 and 45, and also then adopted a little boy from China which brought her total number of children to nine.   I have already heard plenty enough negative and defeating things about my chances of having more healthy biological children now that I am 37.  But, I am so grateful that God saw fit to remind me that He can do anything at anytime he sees fit.  I know that it does not mean my life and childbearing will go on to be as hers was,  but it does remind me that in God all things are possible if He so wills it to be.

And as for the living testimony of her husband, Bill Haas...Well, he is actually the gentleman for whom I asked for prayer about nine months ago when he lost his ability to walk or even to use the bottom half of his body.  I heard the news about Bill's horrific spinal cord injury while we were still in Nashville mourning the very recent death of Maria Sue Chapman.  We actually flew home early from Nashville to try and help with the Haas children, seeing as Bill was just given a less than 1% chance of walking ever again.  He was expected to remain wheelchair-bound for the remainder of his life.  I remember so clearly completely falling apart and crying out to the Lord asking Him to please, please reveal to me that He does sometimes heal in this life.  I had heard of Him healing but I had never seen it with my own eyes.  Isabella had died despite all the prayers.  Maria had died despite all the prayers.  I actually remember how before we left Nashville, Scott and I and the kids all went over to say goodbye to the Chapmans at their home.  Steven and Mary Beth and Scott and I took time to all pray together - at a time when we were all feeling terribly raw and weak from the losses of our own children. I clearly remember Steven praying something like, "Lord, just like Maya who is now crying for her mother, we cry for you, we need our daddy to hold us and tell us that things will be OK...and just like Kerry said, we do want to know You and see You now as the God who heals. Please Lord, heal our brother Bill." 

And WOW - let me tell you - God really answered.  His grace truly is made perfect in weakness.

I have since been astonished by the connection between the words of Steven's prayer that day and these scriptures found in Isaiah 66, which read,

"I will comfort you there as a child is comforted by its mother."When you see these things, your heart will rejoice. Vigorous health will be yours! Everyone will see the good hand of the LORD on his people." Isaiah 66:13-14

Well, here I am now in Sanibel with that same brother Bill who is no longer wheelchair bound but who is actually walking quite well on his own!!!  He can walk even without a cane.  This man was faithful to go to rehab regularly, to faithfully pray and not to complain or grow bitter at all for nine straight months. And now He is actually able to walk the shallows of the ocean with us and his children like he did during the recent seaschool boat excursion. He is a living, walking miracle right before my eyes testifying clearly of God's faithfulness with every step he takes.  And everyday that I am here, I can not help but look at him and be reminded that God can and does heal in the land of living. And so I rejoice because I can see the good hand of the Lord on his people!  

(P.S. Thank you for continuing to pray for my body and my heart!  I do not underestimate the power of praying believers!  May the Lord repay you for your kindnesses towards me.)

The Reprieve of Laughter

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief." Proverb 14:13

....but in the meantime I will enjoy the laughter.

I have learned that in times of trial, sorrow and sadness seem to come over us unexpectedly like the ocean waves washing over the shore.  But I have also learned that in the in-between-times, God can bring laughter as a good reprieve.  And I must confess that God has given me some terrific moments of laughter since this whole ordeal began. I have committed to try and not miss them, so I actually documented a few things along the way this week which made me belly laugh.  Here's a few. 

1) On the flight down....I said, "Maya, you absolutely must stop kicking the woman's seat in front of you.  You are going to hurt her."

To which Cole added, "Yeah Maya its not nice...And she's blind!"

"How do you know that Cole?", I whispered.  

Cole replied, "Because she's wearing glasses!" 

___________________

2) "Nanna Marks, When is it going to be spring?", Cole asked last week.

"It's on its way Cole; although I did hear the good weather of Spring is suppposed to come a bit later than usual this year," she replied.

"Well, I guess even God needs  a vacation," Cole said.

____________________

3)Scott and I are not big TV people, however by way of a confession I will admit that we have been watching the show "24" since its very first season 6 years ago.  This show is so fast paced and unbelievably intense that I don't like watching in on DVR or TEVO because I actually need the commercial interruptions in order to bring my heart-rate down.  Anyhow, last week watching 24 was the first thing I did which caused me to step fully out of my own sad situation and enter into a time of unreality.  Whether it is "good" or not, it sure felt like a good break from reality.  So, for that one full hour, while my kids were asleep, I was completely unconcerned with my own life and fully wrapped up in the life and stresses of counter-terrorist agent, "Jack Bauer".  

Anyhow, as Scott and I laid down on our pillows side-by-side in bed, after the show, that evening I told Scott that it really bothers me that even though Jack Bauer has saved the world several times and put his own life in harms way to protect several presidents, He still isn't appreciated or recognized for these selfless acts.  It is ridiculous!  To which Scott replied in all seriousness, "Kerry, you don't need to worry, God sees and knows Jack Bauer's heart and he will repay him and lift him up in time."  And at that, the two of us just burst into laughter.  My husband knows me so well and he is a funny guy!    

Protecting A Broken Heart

The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25

It’s 5:00 in the morning and I’ve been up since 2:30a.m. – I just can’t sleep.  My mind is racing – and racing.  All I keep thinking about is the many injustices happening around me.  My mind actually went back to a number of old hurts I had personally experienced, which apparently are less addressed in my heart than I had thought they were. 

I thought I had forgiven her and him.   I really thought I had put those old hurts to bed.  Well, apparently, because I hadn’t done so sufficiently, now I am the one who can’t go to bed.   But the most peculiar part about thinking these things was why was my mind and heart so concerned about these things now, as they are fairly unrelated to my experiences happening presently?

Why am I not thinking about or putting such mental energy in thinking about this upcoming miscarriage and the baby I have just lost in my womb?  Why is my mind in such turmoil over past painful relationships and not the greater pain right before me, I wondered?  The longer I was awake thinking about these things, the angrier I found myself becoming at these people and the more difficult it became to sleep.

I decided that I needed the Word.  I needed truth from God to get back to center and back to sleep for that matter. So, I came out to the living room, opened the Bible to the book of Proverbs and began reading.  And the section my eyes came to first was all about God’s perfect justice and how He sees everything and will repay blessings according to a man’s generosity and faithfulness and He will repay ruin and curses to the man who is only seeking gain and favor for himself and at the expense of others.   Wow!  Why would God choose to answer the actual issues that I was wrestling with just now?  I was pretty certain that I was going to receive some loving Biblical rebuke for wasting so much time thinking about frivolous and unrelated things.  I was waiting for something like, “Oh foolish man why do you ponder such petty things at such a time as this…” (not a scripture by the way).

But instead God met me right where I was, and then gracious led me onward.  In reading these things the Lord reminded me of two very important things.  First, that He sees and cares about all the injustices that happen.  And that in His time He will repay men for all their deeds based on their true heart-motives – even when men are fooled, God is not fooled.  God is far more concerned about injustice than I am, and ultimately He has it all covered.

But then after He had addressed this issues cluttering my mind, He began to address my deeper heart issue. The issue of fear! The Lord began showing me that my mind is focused on these particular hurts and pains because they are things which I believe I can avoid in the natural by trying to get into control; whereas the deep pain and hurt of losing this child is something I cannot avoid or control at any level.  I so want to be safe and protected from anymore pain, I feel totally raw, and as a result my mind has been racing to figure out what I can control in my life to avoid getting hurt anymore.  But the truth of the matter is that all the scheming and controlling in the world can’t protect me, or my loved ones, from future hurts or trials.  And it certainly won’t fix the current trial I am facing; and it can’t bring my children back. 

As a matter of fact, not taking my fear and human inclination to control things and situations to God will certainly end up harming me, and my loved ones.  It even may keep me from being able to fully access the grace I will desperately need in the days to come.  Fear and anger are certain blocks to God's grace and peace. I really need a clear path to His grace and peace just now.  

 I have seen this misplaced control thing happen in the lives of other hurting people in the past, and from an outsider’s perspective it was so clear to see what they were doing.  But for some reason I had no idea that this was what I was beginning to do.  "I can’t fix this, but I can fix that, even if its not my place or right to do, I must," is how the subconscious begins. WOW!  Thank you Jesus for enlightening my own inner darkness written by fear.  Getting into control will not help my deeper pain it will just cause me more pain.  But prayer and trusting God can help my aching heart.  The God who sees is also the One who is Able.  So, to Him I shall now entrust the protection of my heart once again so that I may rest.  Thank you Lord that you are with me always!  And thank you that you do hear all my concerns and will perfect that which concerns me. I am scared and I really need you now!

By the Sea

“So, God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.” Genesis 1:21

      Several months ago, Scott and I planned on taken the kids to Florida for a family vacation beginning March 11^th.  However, when we got news from the doctor that we were going to lose the baby in my womb, I immediately assumed that we would need to cancel our time away.  

      Within a few hours of arriving home from the hospital, I saw our six-year-old son, Cole, (who knew nothing of our situation, not even that his momma was at any point pregnant), walking around our house with two cowboy hats on top of his head and a backpack full of toys strapped to his back.

      “Cole, what is all this stuff you are wearing?” I asked.

      “It’s my stuff for Sanibel.  One hat is for me and another hat is for my buddy Nathan.  And I have a lot of spy-gear in my pack for playing spies together.” He answered. 

      “We aren’t set to leave for a few days,” I told him. “But, mom, I am just so excited and I don’t want to forget anything.” He replied.

      How was I ever going to tell him that bad news that we might not be going, I wondered. 

      Scott and I prayed about it and made the decision to still go and actually to extend our time in Florida so that I would have more time to hopefully walk through the upcoming difficult process all in one place.  What’s more, for the time we would be in Florida, Cole would be attending “Sea School” a few times a week.  He loves seaschool!!  He spends the day with five other home school kids and a former college professor of marine biology learning about the ocean and its creatures at the ocean.  So, with Cole in seaschool, I am afforded a break from teaching him myself, which Scott saw as a positive thing considering the unpredictability in the timing of the inevitable miscarriage.   

      Well, we arrived in Sanibel safely and without incident.  I think I actually needed a change of scenery.  I found myself falling into a great depression sitting and just “waiting” for the natural process of miscarrying to begin at home.

      Since arriving I have had nothing more than a bit of cramping.  The rest is still to come I am sure.  But with lighthearted activity surrounding me, I find it much easier not to focus on the pain and loss as much.  I still tear up and need to talk to God regularly throughout the day – but I have not plummeted into the depths of despair as I was regularly doing while at home this past week.

      Today, Scott, Maya and I actually joined the sea school crew and went out with the kids and captain for three hours on the boat. It was amazing – we found all sorts of creatures in the shallows and then the professor, Bruce, would explain each one to us.  We found Welk shell snails and sea anemone, hermit crabs and razor clams.   I even learned about “sea snot.”  And it is just as gross as it sounds.

      Best of all we saw about a dozen dolphins during the morning playing in the water, even a momma dolphin and her baby. Maya called them sharks.    

view our dolphin video

      I don't think anyone would consider me a BOXY person.  I am much more free spirited and also more scattered than most perhaps.  But over the last couple of years and the trials they have brought, I have realized that there were areas of my life that I really liked keeping in separate neat little boxes.  But through these trying experiences, God has certainly challenged these separate categories in my life.

      I really liked keeping the various emotions separate.  Like, if today was a good day, and all was going well, then it seemed right to be happy.  But if it was a day with difficulties for me or my loved ones, then I considered it a sad day or a bad day and saw fit to deem it as only such.  But I am realizing that things are not so separate – the good and the bad, the sad and the fun all happen altogether all the time.

      Twelve months ago, when my brother and sister-in-law had a baby on the same day that I realized our baby, Isabella, at 36 weeks, was no longer kicking in my womb, my emotional boxes began to be profoundly challenged. I just could not figure out how God could possibly expect us to be able to rejoice and mourn all in the same day.  But some how God showed us that it is possible…that life is filled with many, many dichotomies like this.  From His point-of-view His children are rejoicing and suffering the world over all the time.  So, here I am at the beach with my joy-filled children while at the same time waiting for the inevitable miscarriage of the baby I so desperately wanted to carry to term and raise.  And somehow in it all, it doesn’t seem as wrong as it once would have.  It now just seems a lot like life here in this crazy place called earth. 

      When I need to cry, I excuse myself and take the time.  When I am happy and laughing because my children are being blessed or because I am experiencing the beauty of God’s creation, I accept the permission that God has granted me to be happy even in the midst of all that is called today.

      And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that so much of the grace that is encompassing me and Scott is as a result of the prayers of the many saints who have lovingly chosen to lift us up in prayer.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!  We need it and we appreciate it.  I am scared sometimes.  But I just choose – choose I do – I just choose to believe and trust and hope some more.

      It is strange how God chose to have us here by the sea at this time.  He knows us so well. Ever since my childhood, I have had the ability to see Him more clearly, hear him more clearly and speak to Him more honestly when I am by the sea!    

      Yes, the good and the bad dwell together, and we can not help but function within this reality if we are going to live well in close families or communities: some are experiencing trials and others joys, the accomplishments and the defeats all taking place in our church body all at the same time.

When I look even, only, for a moment at the sandy beach and the ocean waves I can see this ironic process right in front of me...the empty shells still whole which we find, hold, and admire, the innumerable broken shells which make up the sandy beach on which we walk, and the young shells still full of life living in waters of the ocean and momentarily washing up onto the shore.  All there together  - in various stages of life but all together in one scene. 

Today, I actually saw a bald eagle perched right in the middle of several vultures.  And for me this was a physical picture of how the majestic and wonderful can be right there hidden among even the messengers of death.  I really looked with my heart at the sea today, and the truth is that what I observed was the reality that what God has made is truly very, very good!  I am most grateful to see with these kinds of eyes on this day.  I so needed to see life and beauty - and the love and majesty of God around me! and I did!

Return to the Valley

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you." Psalm 139:14-18

Waking up has been the hardest thing for me to do these past few days, because it is at this moment each day that I remember that what we are going through is not just a bad dream but that it is in fact our very sorrowful reality.  Cautious hope turned to great sorrow for us again this past Thursday when we were told by the Ultrasound technician at the hospital that the baby I am carrying no longer has a heartbeat.  I was ten weeks pregnant at that point but according to the ultrasound the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks.  Even though things seemed to be progressing well with my pregnancy up to that point (no signs of an upcoming miscarriage), we still had decided to keep the news of the pregnancy to ourselves until we were more sure this baby would join our earthly family.  We didn't want to share with others that I was "with child" until we had heard the baby's heartbeat because we didn't want our families, particularly our children, to experience yet another great disappointment like we had all experienced with the stillbirth of our daughter, Isabella, a year ago or the miscarriage of Malaya two years prior.  Plus, it can be so difficult to lose a child in utero and then be asked, after the fact, "how your baby is doing?" or "how far along you are in your pregnancy?".  

Two nights before I went to the hospital, I had an amazing dream.  I was fast asleep and in my dream I witnessed a conversation between a baby in the womb and the Lord God Almighty.  The baby inquired of the Lord about the body which was being created to cover his soul by saying, "Lord, why am I not growing properly?  Why are my fingers so short?"   The Lord spoke back to the child in a loving manner but it was in a silent language which my mind could not understand.  But what I did know was that the Lord was very present with the child and was comforting the baby's sadness about the state of his malformed body.  The soul of the baby then asked this of the Lord, "Father, even though my fingers are short will you make my spirit great in wisdom and large in virtue."  And again, I could not make out the specific words of the Father but I knew He was pleased with the child's request and would grant it to him.  

When I woke up and realized it was just a dream my initial reaction was one of absolute amazement. I knew for the first time, to the depth of my being, that God is very real and present for even the tiniest of babies in the womb and that even these tiny ones are far more aware of His presence than we are. But my next reaction to the dream was not so wonderful because it was at that moment that I remembered that I was "with child"; and I so desperately hoped that the Lord was not giving me a heavenly understanding of the state of my own child.  I began to cry out to the Lord, imploring Him to heal the body of our baby in my womb (just in case).  I, then, did every thing I could to push this dream far from my mind because I so did not want it to be true of the little one within me. 

 I eventually forgot about it all together, at least until I began to lie down on the hospital bed for the conducting of my ultrasound a few days later; at that very moment the dream came flooding back into my mind in great detail.  But this time I did not push it away, instead I prayed to the Lord, "Father, if this was a dream from you regarding the baby in my womb, then I ask you now to send your powerful grace to come and cover me and Scott so that we can get through this new valley as you intend us to."  

Perhaps it was five minutes or even ten minutes later, it seemed like hours though, the technician checked for the heartbeat so that we could view it on the screen but sadly a heartbeat could not be found.  From that point on very few words were spoken, I just began to silently cry and Scott held on to my leg and said I am so sorry.  The rest of the visit is somewhat of a blur, I remember a lot of clinical jargon being spoken and us making the decision to miscarry at home naturally . I can clearly remember Scott quietly singing the song, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord, blessed be His glorious name; He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away.  But my heart will choose to say, 'Blessed be Thy Name." The words of this song both stung my emotions and blessed my soul...I knew these words were true and I also knew from past experience that it would be truths like this that would once again heal our wounds. 

I just woke up from a nap with Maya and in my mind I was singing this song from my childhood,  "Put your hand in the hand of the man who stills the waters, put your hand in the hand of the man who calms the sea.  Take a look at yourself and you can look at others differently." 

So, as I take a look at myself now,  what I see is "Beloved Dust."  I have once again been reminded by life circumstances that I am only made of dust, so very human and unlike God in his ability to create and save life.  But I am also reminded continually in my aching soul that God, who is Love, Himself, does love us and that even in this will bring about good for us because of His love for us.  His Word says so and He never lies.

We covet the prayers of the others members of the "Beloved Dust" as we seek to come out of this all-too-familiar valley whole and healed - but again different than before we entered it.    

(I do not know how often I will blog, if at all, as I go through this process - but when I am able, I will once again return, Lord willing, and testify about the God who heals and restores.)

Who is God?

God is love... even when His ways don't feel loving.

The Relationship between Suffering and Hope

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us..." Romans 5:3-5a

I have struggled for many years with this scripture because it just never made sense to my practical mind.  How can the Word say that suffering possibly brings about hope, when according to my human understanding suffering is actually the great dashing or crushing of hope.  I have had many hopes dashed through suffering. I can see how suffering can give rise to perseverance and even to character...but to hope - NOPE - just didn't compute for me.

I hope my child lives, and then the suffering comes and he or she dies.  I hope my husband is healed from the disease which plagues him, and then the great suffering comes and he doesn't make it.  I hope I don't get laid off and then the hammer hits and my job is cut.  I hope that my children are healthy, and then they arrive thru adoption with attachment issues or are birthed with a genetic disorder or illness.  I so desperately hoped my spouse would be faithful, and then the great suffering comes and I end up alone.  Hoping to win and constantly losing.  

And then what becomes of such a soul whose hopes have been dashed like this?  Extreme depression and hopelessness seem to be the prognosis of the day.  My maternal grandmother was a woman who basically refused to hope - because she didn't want to be disappointed anymore. By the time I got to know her, it really was her M.O.   

Honestly, I have gone to this place a number of times myself (even in recent days), because it makes human sense.  But in doing so, I find myself losing a part of me that I know was pleasing to God, and that is the mark of real joy.  And as it turns out there has been this one thing that has brought me back, restored me and even healed me and this is the birth of an altogether new kind of hope.  And I believe it is the hope which is being referred to here in Romans 5.  Suffering does crush our earthly hopes, (and my oh my this be horribly painful) but suffering does ultimately give birth to a new and eternal hope, which will not disappoint. 

Justice will come one day. There will be a resurrection from the dead and in fact there will be a joyful reunion of all the saints.  There will be a day when disease will not take our loved ones or our own lives.  One day there will be no more sin or pain or poverty.

 And in these things, because of the work of Jesus Christ, I now choose to place my deep and most treasured hopes.  And I know that these are hopes which no amount of suffering can crush; as a matter of fact suffering only makes these hopes grow! 

 The degree to which we place our greatest hopes in earthly things instead of heavenly things, is the degree to which we will be crushed in spirit and joyless.  There isn't anything wrong with hoping in good things and positive circumstantial outcomes in this life, but our joy must not be based on them or we will cause ourselves and our loved ones long-term harm. 

 I have seen so many people base their view of God and his love for them on whether or not their life circumstances turn out how they "hoped", but the reason this is not wise is because God has already told us this world is broken...broken by sin.  yet, we continue to expect it to be more than broken and wrongly base our love and appreciation of God on whether or not we have suffered greatly because of this brokenness or not.  We are all ultimately going to suffer greatly in a human sense because of this brokenness.  Death is the one debt all men (save Enoch and Elijah) shall pay. And God knows the day and the hour in which our time will be done here.  Should our great hope and faith not be placed in the ONLY One who has the power to meet us and restore us on the otherside? For our own sanity's sake here on earth and our soul's sake in the life to come, our greatest hopes must not be earthbound but instead lie in the hope of the glory which will come to pass because of the work of Jesus Christ for mankind.  If you are suffering, please do turn to God, because even though it may not mean the meeting of your earthly hopes, it will mean His empowering presence of great grace to get you through.  He will renew your strength and see you through! 

The Forgiving Way

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." Matthew 5:7

God calls us to have mercy on those who have offended us. And it is much easier to do so when we take the time to remember how many times we have offended God.  God's way is not the grudge-bearing way, but the forgiving way.  He has called us in righteousness to walk a holy way - a way that leads to life abundant, full and free.  That is the prize that He calls us to seek.  We must also be mindful not to hate the instruments that God chooses to crucify our pride.  Pride is the enemy - not the poor human who has offended us.   (Adapted excerpt from Echoes of Eternity  volume I)

And as Cole reminded us tonight, "If you got it wrong, you should go back, say you're sorry and just try again."