Kerry Hasenbalg

Needing a Break

"He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." Psalm 23 Maya hasn't been feeling well and as a result has been extraordinarily cranky this last week. Even for such a patient soul as her older brother Cole is, her recent whining has been a bit too much. As a result, when we were finalizing the plans for driving to Virginia on our family vacation with relatives this weekend, we decided to give Cole the choice to have a break from his little sister Maya by driving with his Nanna & Pop to the lake instead of with her in our car. And once again I found Cole's response to be quite a lesson in wisdom for me. He said, "Yes, it does sound like it would be better to have a break from her, but you know sometime when we trade in what seems bad for something that seems good we can end up lonely and empty." AGAIN, GOD SPEAKS TO MY HEART THRU MY SEVEN YEAR OLD! WOW! Now, isn't that just super profound and true. In the end, Cole did decide to drive with his grandparents, which as it turns out was a good idea because Maya was a bit challenging even for me. But it sure was wonderful to see Cole wrap his arms around his sister when she arrived at the lakehouse and to hear him say, "Maya, I'm so happy to see you; I really missed you." So, now I ask myself what duties in my current state of life might I be wishing away seeking to replace them with what might seem "better", but in the end may leave me empty and loney as a result? Hhmm! We humans sure are good at replacing the necessary crosses in our lives with things which feed our fleshly desire for temporary comfort but in the end leave us more empty rather than more fulfilled! Help us Lord to bear the little inconveniences with grace and believe that you will give us times by still waters for restoration in your perfect time as you did for little Cole this day! Anyhow, yesterday was Scott and my 9th wedding anniversary. and the truth is that I would rather have spent the day just as we did driving in the rain with Scott, and a cranky precious child than be anywhere else with anyone else!!! Scott, I am a so much better and more blessed with you than I ever dreamed I could be. Your love for me inspires, strengthens, and covers me so well! I love you!

The Royal Way

Praising the King and loving his people marks the Royal Way.  

"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;" I Peter 2:9

If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself," James 2:8

Freed by Falling on the Mercy of God

Maya's napping, Scott and Cole are playing battleship and I just finished reading more of my new favorite book, "The Joy of Full Surrender".  

Five minutes ago, Cole walked around the game board to get some of the granola sitting on his father's side of the table.  While Cole was over there he "just couldn't help" but look at the positioning of his father's battleships.  The temptation was just too much for him I suppose.  

When Scott saw Cole's eyes looking at the board he simply said, "Son, you don't want to cheat; it's not good or your soul."  (Can I say...I am so happy to be married to a man who speaks the truths of GOD so lovingly to our children!)

Cole responded with a heartfelt "So sorry!"   Then, I said "Cole, remember you can just ask the Lord for forgiveness and then return to playing the game."    At that he turned around and whispered something to the Lord and then turned back around again and just kept playing the game....and totally without a posture of any remaining heaviness!  PTL!  

What a good reminder for us adults.  Let us not forget that when we are tempted to sin or even when we do stumble in sin ourselves, continuing in it is not good for our souls and that God's mercy is always available to us for our relief.   Let us find freedom through godly repentance by simply and immediately falling on the mercy of God and others (when necessary).  Because like Cole, when we do, we can then quickly and without hinderance or heaviness of soul successfully return to enjoying our time with loved ones in the game of life. 

I heard a homily while on retreat last weekend about this very thing.  The preacher said that sadly when we falter in sin we rarely fall immediatly upon the mercy of God. Instead, we take our shame and go inward  - as if hiding for a time. But that when we come out as we all must do, we do so "POINTING" our fingers of blame, because of our shame, at God and/or others.  And oh what harm we cause to our own souls and our relationships because of this unrighteous worldly pattern of blame-shifting and finger pointing.  We think this will make it better, not having to face the part we played; but instead, it is far more destructive to our own souls and relationships than we could possibly imagine. 

Very often people are walking around heavy-laden and depressed by sins which they themselves can no longer recognize or identify because they have even convinced themselves that their burdens were the fault of others.   We no longer recognize the specific baggage we carry because we have wrongly attributed the cause of our burden to another or to God....and there is no relief for such things.  The wrongs that have been committed against us are the spiritual burden of the sinner. But our own sins are what burden us, that is until we have taken them personally to the foot of the cross!  God did not die to free us from excuses, but rather to free us from the burden on our sins!  But the Word says that "He whom the Lord has set free is free indeed."  

Admit your sins to God - ask for forgiveness - and then your heart will experience freedom! This is the Gospel - and it is truly Good news!  It's time we get back to enjoying that which is set before us.

The Joy of Full Surrender

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love" I John 4:18

"There is no spiritual path more secure than that of giving yourself entirely to God." Jeanne-Pierre de Caussade

I am writing to recommend the book I am reading because for me, at this time, it is perhaps the best book I could imagine to address the issues of my heart. It speaks directly to the issue of Faith in the midst of both great trials as well as everyday struggles of duty just before us. So for a stay-at-home mom who has been surrounded by daily mom and wifely chores as well as a series of painful trials, it sure is speaking.   It is called “The Joy of Full Surrender” by Jean-Pierre de Caussade.  And was published by Paraclete Press.

It is about finding God’s will for our lives each and every day and about restoring the joy in our walks with Jesus. 

While on spiritual retreat this weekend on Cape Cod with Scott, God revealed a great many painful things to my soul. Things which, out of fear,  I had allowed to take root and begin to harm my heart and even those whom I love.   I arrived on the Cape in a general state of fear and control.  One of the results of what God’s will had allowed in my life over this last year was a sense of dread about what might come next.  I stopped meeting my days with joy, faith and peace and began meeting them with fear, dread and even depression.  Anyhow, very long story short.....I was able to actively surrender my self-will (which included my fear and sense of control over my life and all its circumstances) unto the will of a loving God whom I am once again learning to trust, but in a whole new way.  My joy has begun to return and I am no longer so afraid of the days ahead.  

My great internal fear had brought about a desire to control what might come next for me and my loved ones...and as a result just below the surface of what was seen by others my soul was tense and in control, uptight, tearful and sad almost continually.  Just waiting for the next shoe to drop.  

Well, today, I am no less aware that trials and sufferings do come and will come.  But because I am learning to trust and turn my life, with all its challenges and pains, and the life of my loved ones, and the details of everyday, over to God knowing that He can do an infinitely better job than me caring for them, I feel so much more peaceful and safe than I have in months....my burden has been lifted from me by the One who loves us so!

If any of this resonates with any of you my dear friends, you might enjoy reading the book I mentioned above.  It’s not magical, its just a confirming read and a good guide to the joy of living a life which trusts and sees God by real faith.

Here are a few excerpts from its pages that I read just today:

“One who knows the king in disguise treats him very differently from another who, judging by appearances alone, fails to recognize his royalty and treats him as a commoner.  In the same way the soul that recognizes the will of God in even the smallest circumstances, even in those that are most distressing and fatal, receives them all with equal joy, pleasure, and respect.  That soul throws open all its doors to receive with honor what others fear and fly from in horror….To adore Jesus on the mount of Transfiguraton, to love the will of God in extraordinary things, does not show as much faith as loving the will of God in ordinary things and adoring Jesus on the cross.  For faith cannot be said to be real, living faith, until it is tested and has triumphed over everything that would destroy it….To consider God equally good in the most petty and ordinary events as in great and unusual ones is to have a faith that is not ordinary, but is itself great and extraordinary.

To be satisfied with the present moment is to delight in and to adore God’s will in all that comes to us to do or suffer through the succession of events each passing moment brings….What a delightful peace we enjoy when we have learned by faith to find God through all his creatures as through a transparent veil.  Then darkness becomes light, and bitterness becomes sweet.  Faith, showing us things as they are, transforms their ugliness into beauty and their malice into goodness.  Faith is the mother of gentleness, confidence, and joy.  It cannot help feeling tenderness and compassion for its enemies, by whose means it is so immeasurably enriched. While the human instrument seeks to injure us, the divine Workman does his work, making use of its very malice to remove from the soul al that is injurious to it.  The will of God is nothing but sweetness, grace, and treasures to the surrendered soul.

[If we understood that] crosses sent by Providence found in the circumstances of our lives lead to the highest perfection by a surer and shorter path than extraordinary states or spectacular works, and if we should understand that surrender to the will of God is the true philosopher’s stone that changes into divine gold all our occupations, troubles, and sufferings, what consolation would be ours! 

What courage would we derive from this thought:  that in order to acquire the friendship of God and to arrive at eternal glory, we have only to do what we are doing and to suffer what we are already suffering, and that what we waste and count as nothing is enough to bring us to greatest holiness, far more than any extraordinary state or wonderful works.  It will cost you no more than to do what you are doing, to suffer what you are suffering.  It is only your heart that must be changed.  What I say heart, I mean the will.  Holiness, then consists in willing all that God wills for us.  YES! Holiness of the heart is a simple “Let it be,” a simple conformity of the will with the will of God.  What could be easier, and who can refuse to love a will so kind and good?  Let us love God’s will and this love will make everything in us divine.”

The Enemy of Self

Last evening when I was reading the book "Little Pilgrim's Progress" to my son, Cole, God really ministered a strong and comforting truth to my heart.  In chapter 19, our story's hero, Little Christian, met up with the first of many terrifying enemies of the Wicked Prince that he would have to fight against using his new armor.   And it says in the story that as Little Christian came near to this enemy he remembered his enemy's name because he had seen him before.  "He was one of the chief officers in the army of the Wicked Prince and he was called SELF!"

Self?  WOW! The enemy of SELF!  And God showed me that this is the very same enemy that Satan has been trying to use in my life to defeat me of late.  My fearful, controlling self!  

I can specifically remember being a young girl and struggling with the scripture Matthew 10:28, that says, "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell."

"I can clearly remember thinking how is it possible not to fear what can kill my body? I am quite attached to it."

But the truth of the matter is that until we grow into a more full understanding and vision of a heavenly perspective of things, we will continue to fear what kills the body far too much.  And what makes the struggle most unbearable is not just the fear of getting sick , growing old or of being physically harmed but rather the forgetting of the great love and future plans that our Heavenly Father for us.  

And as for me, some where along the way, my focus came off of my Father's power and love and was place squarely on the ferocity of my great enemy named SELF!   

I took the time today to read in that same chapter of Matthew 10 and what I found just past that scripture was God's great loving and protective declaration towards us.   It reads, "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:29-31)

I am not a "poor thing!"  God is good to me and mine!  And the One in Whom I placed the trust of my soul is very aware and in control of all that is happening around me.  He loves us well and is teaching us in the midst of all that is transpiring.  

I am learning and I am growing but I do find that I am a little bit more hesitant than before to sing songs like, "Refiner's fire, my hearts one desire...." and am more apt to pray things like, "Make me holy as I must be... and Lord, be merciful to me a sinner."  (ha ha) 

But I really do want to say thank you to those of you who have been praying for my family.  Thank you also for the many words of wisdom, truth and encouragement that many of you posted in the comments.  I really appreciated every single one of them!  I drank them in as water to a thirsty soul.  I am truly blessed to know that there are so many godly women out there who are willing to speak the truth in love!!!  

By way of a praise report I do want to share a few personal updates.  First, Scott is doing so very much better....He is healing a bit everyday! We went on a family bike ride today and he felt good the whole ride.  My mom still has pain but she is out of the hospital and doing better.  Baby Charley, who I mentioned was in the NICU came home to my friends the Corbiells and he is doing well and perfectly healthy now!  The Show Hope Trip to China has been wildly successful thus far and God has kept them all safe.  My friends Tammy and Tony Nolan received their adopted daughter, Joy, in China today!!  My children are healthy and God has provided wonderful godly people for Scott, the kids and me to fellowship with here in our new hometown.  My husband has been a very good counselor for me this week, taking the time to sit down and discuss my struggles and to respond by speaking the truth in love to me even about my own challenges; and this has brought such life and healing for me!  And lastly, I have finally found a way to get green vegetables into my children's stomaches - I have added little bits of Parsley, kale, spinach and beet greens to their carrot-apple juice that I make in the morning and they still like it! SO AWESOME!  Thank you Jesus for all these wonderful things! 

Blessed are the Merciful

Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy... I realized today that there's a very importance difference between mercy and compassion that is often overlooked. Mercy is the withholding of deserved punishment or pain. Basically the holding back of the bad we do deserve. Compassion is showing kindess but unless it involves a forgiveness it is not necessarily mercy. I used to assign the gift of mercies to those who are kind towards the weak and needy... But through these recent trials God has been showing me that our real opportunities for mercy come once we are personally wronged, hurt or sinned against by others. Sometimes we are wronged by others willfully but very often we are wronged and hurt by their selfcenteredness. Anyhow, I have been crying out for Gods mercy for the health of those I love....and God has been reminding me that the wrongs perpetrated against me are actually blessed opportunities for me to show mercy toward others for the sake of my own receiving of much needed mercy from God in return. God said blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.

Needing Your Peace and Grace

Please tell me - how is there no fear in love?  It seems the more I love someone the more afraid I am to see them in pain or to lose them.  

 I know that God is love and I truly believe that He loves us more than we could possibly comprehend - more than we could ever love Him or anyone else....But I also know that those whom He loves are not spared from pain or trials or even from the first death; it is the way which we must go in order to cross through to reach eternity.  Unless a seed falls and dies...

And I suppose it is these things which I fear so much.  I know the Lord's grace is there each and every time - for each and every trial - but it still hurts and it still is so very difficult.  You know this pain, you walked here before us....  

Lord, is it possible for you to teach me how not to be afraid without going through more trials?  I want to learn how not to fear, but I don't really want to learn this most difficult way.  

Surely I need much sanctification, but so much sustained fire for those whom I love - UGGH!? I just don't understand how it is possible for perfect love to cast out fear?...It seems that the more I love someone the more I fear for them.  It's not that I don't trust you, Lord - I do.  I know you can do all things.  You made everything that is!  And I praise you for all your wonderful works.  I know it is you who sustains our breath, each beat of our hearts, and our every moment.   But I also know that bad things happen to your servants all the time.  Sure, you'll make them all work out for good and you are with us in all this things.  Is it your love in me that is to cast out this fear?  Help me Lord to open myself up to your grace enough to learn to rest.  To know your perfect peace in the continued storms.  

Perhaps it is wrong to ask to understand any of the whys.  So, Lord, in some way even without knowing why or if, when or how, I do ask for your merciful hand of healing to come for my mom and husband and for your grace to be appropriated in my heart in a way that is truly sufficient for my weak soul.  I confess my fear and pray for the power to turn from it and to love and trust you more.  

Lord, I know your will is best and so I do ask for your will - on earth as it is in heaven.  And I also ask for your mercy upon us.   Tender mercies oh Lord - tender mercies I ask for my loved ones!

Maranatha!  Come Lord Come!

 

Shattered into Tiny Pieces

"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus". Philippians 3:13-14

Yesterday, was a difficult day for me. I am just pretty weary, and as I mentioned in the last blog, I am desperately trying to battle in the spirit against my flesh's current tendency towards fearfulness. My friend, Jen Swartzentruber, who has been very diligent to pray for Scott and me these last few months, actually stopped by around the lunch hour and recommended that we take a look at the July 6th devotional from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, considering all that has been transpiring in our household of late.  

So Scott took out the book and immediately began to read the excerpt aloud; and wow did its words hit home.  Particularly, the words, "God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have patience."

Then, that night, I found myself awake in the middle of the night very troubled in heart.  I prayed and cried out to God rehearsing each part of the spiritual armor and its use and then asking the Lord to help me in this difficult battle against my own fearful mind and heart (not to mention how the enemy is clearly seeking to discourage me). Anyhow, feeling like I wasn't pulling myself together well at all,  I turned to Scott who was now awake because of my crying and I said, "I feel like I am just being broken into a million pieces. Why? What next?"  At that, Scott took me in his arms and ever so lovingly replied, "And then God will make you into a beautiful mosaic."  

And that was exactly what God wanted me to hear because it cut through all the pain and turmoil of my heart and brought me peace.  The picture made so much sense to me and it gave me a very powerful and hopeful vision to which I could cling.  I have traveled all over the world and nothing man-made has blessed me as much as  the magnificent mosaics made out of thousands of tiny pieces of stone and glass depicting the person and life of Jesus Christ in the world's houses of worship.  Somehow those mosaics to me are far more precious and beautiful than a simple painting on one solid piece of canvas.  When we are in the valleys of life we often can only see the scattered shattered pieces of ourselves; however, God, who is outside of time can surely envision the end result of us all - the beautiful mosaics He is making out of us his precious broken ones.  

"There were white and blue linen curtains fastened with cords of fine linen and purple on silver rods and marble pillars...and a mosaic pavement of alabaster, turquoise, and white and black marble." Esther 1:6

Laying Down Our Fears and Burdens

In my opinion, it is really quite challenging to journey here in this broken world.  These last 18 months have been terribly difficult for me. (And I am aware that there are so many others who are in very difficult seasons of their own and for this I am so sorry).  I have never known so much personal sorrow nor struggled with fear as I have over this last year and a half. To be honest, I am getting pretty weary.  Just when I think I can stand up and take a breath it seems that another big wave comes crashing down upon me and those closest to me.  I am, however, so very grateful that, even in these continual storms, God's Word and His people have ministered to me time and time again.  Just when it seems like I will surely be crushed, God sends His Son Jesus, cleverly disguised, whether in His Word or through His creation, to rescue me.

"Be anxious for nothing," God tells us.  Instead of choosing to fear what is unknown, "pray and supplicate and make your requests known to God," His Word reminds us.   So, I pray and I ask very specifically...and then I choose to leave my worries there at the foot of the cross, at least I leave it there as long as I am able.  I often find myself picking my fears up again because I am weak and made up dust.  But when I realize that I have picked up those heavy burdens of fear again, knowing how they can harm me, my family and my testimony,  I usually choose to return to Him again in prayer!  Here I am again Lord....help me please! Why do I go to Him over and over again and with the very same things? Because He said I can and that I should. 

 "Come to Me," my dear Lord says..."All who are weary and heaven burdened and I will give you rest for your souls! I am meek and humble in heart so learn from Me, for My yoke is easy and my burden is light."  So, when I realize that the yoke and burden I am carrying is nearly crushing me, I am reminded that I must be carrying something more than He expects me to carry.  Which are the burdens that He has entrusted to me and which are the ones I have taken on myself that were never meant for me to carry. He promises in His Word that He will never give us more than we can bear.  So, when I am carrying more than I can bear, surely somewhere along the line I have added something to my God-given burden that is causing my body and emotions to topple or be crushed under weight.

Over the last couple of years, each time I would return from the grocery store, my son, Cole, would often offer to help me carry in the shopping bags of food.  And I find myself each time so pleased by his willingness to help me- a small sign of his growing maturity and sacrificial love.  So, Cole and I go to the trunk and I pick out the bags I think will not be too heavy for him to carry but also not so light that he thinks I don't believe in his ability to do his part.  And you know, as time has gone on Cole has realized that he is now able to carry a little bit more than he could in times past and as a result he often comments on how he is seeing that he is growing stronger.  I have seen also, however, that in this he has gotten a little over-confident and tried to take some bags that are a little too heavy for him to carry.  And when he does he quickly turns to me and says, "Mom, can you help me with this, its a little too heavy for me to carry."  

And this is exactly what God is calling me to do with Him, as my heavenly father.  Because, like Cole, I know that God, who is a good and loving Father, does not expect me to carry those things that are too heavy for me either.  So, I choose now to let go of the future of my loved ones and to trust that you, O Lord, are not cross with me or desiring to overburden me.  But rather, I choose to believe that just as I am pleased with Cole, You, Lord, are pleased when your children are willing to carry those things which you have entrusted to them and also just as pleased to carry those things which are too heavy for them to bear.  

My devotional reading today was very appropriate for what I have been walking through recently.  It reads, "For I am the Lord, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed."  Malachi 3:6

"The Lord is with us today and we have nothing to fear.  Go forth in the joy and anticipation of His blessing.  Put aside needless worries and thoughts of what might be.  They only tangle and crowd the path laid out before you.  Be confident and of good courage, for the cause is the Lord's not ours.  God has promised that He will keep.  There is not variableness or changing in Him.  We shall yet see His hand at work to bring about His design and desire - so we must be prepared.  Faith is the necessary key to unlock the treasury God has in store.  He will keep our unbelief if we will stay close to Him in our need."   (Adapted from Hal Helms' personal devotional writings entitled Echoes of Eternity.)

Cole's absolute favorite thing to do right now is to have me read "Little Pilgrims Progress" to him.  And it is my absolute great pleasure and complete joy to do so!  Anyhow, today we reviewed the part where the hero, Little Christian, loses the heavy burden he was carrying when he reached the cross.  Oh how joyful our character in the story was to final lose the burden he knew he was carrying even though others could not see it with their eyes.  

I used to think of this burden in Pilgrim's Progress only as a man's own sin.  But I am now realizing that we carry not only the burden of our own sins, those things which we volitionally and willfully do in our lives, but also the burden and pain of the sin which has come upon us at the hand of other humans and even by way of a broken world in the form of disease, fear, trials, and the fear of death.  It is all a burden too big for us to bear, no matter by what way it has come upon us.  I have known the power of the cross in its ability to wash away my own willful sins and in its power to help me forgive sins committed against me by others; but over these last 18 months, I am just now really learning experientially the power of the cross in its ability to bring healing in disease and life after death.  

Lord, thank you that you would regard us, who are so small and weak, as worthy in Christ Jesus to be a part of your blessed family!  

The Lord Directs Our Steps

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for a man to direct his steps." Jeremiah 10:23

When Scott and I moved back to my hometown, after my having been living elsewhere for the past 19 years, I found myself a little nervous about what it would be like.  A few of my peers growing up were living in town, but not really any of the girls that I had been very close to in my youth. 

But I believe that the Spirit of God really prompted me to ask for the Lord to lead and guide Scott and me to those people with whom He desired us to be in relationship.  Human striving and control is just far too exhausting.  I can remember several times praying, "Lord, I want to be friends with whomever you want me to be friends with."  I was very aware that all relationships require long-suffering because we humans can be so very difficult, so I knew I wanted to be long-suffering in those relationships that God had ordained and not also ones that my flesh had sought to be in - talk about exhausting.

So, I am writing this blog to testify to the faithfulness of God towards me so far!! I could never have met such wonderful amazing people in such a short time if the Spirit of God were not leading our steps!  There is absolutely no way!! 

On Sunday evenings Scott and I are now attending a couple's Bible Study on Grace-Based parenting and we are truly blown away by the caliber and virtuousness of the people whom God has brought to this group.  They are kind, fun, and gracious.  Then, on Wednesday mornings, I am part of a group of women who are doing a mommy and children's book club going through the book "Little Pilgrim's Progress".  We actually had our first one at my house yesterday and 25 children and their mommies came; and we had an absolutely wonderful time.  First we had the kids make their footprint on sheets of paper marked between the scriptures, "Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galations 5:25 and the Jeremiah scripture mentioned above.  Then we took some time to gather in a group on the floor and talk about the book and what we were going to be learning about the King in the heavenly city and the book's main character, "Little Christian". The kids were amazing - so attentive and sweet. Finally, we closed with a blessed time of worship, led by a Megan Oldfield, who is actually one of the women who will be starting to homeschool her children next year.  

So, Lord, thanks!  Really - thanks for being so kind towards me and bringing these wonderful people into my life.   

Prayer Requests:  For my sister-in-law Beth who just suffered the loss of her mother, Hope.  For continued healing for Scott.  For the Show Hope team led by the Chapmans currently in China to celebrate the opening of Maria's Big House of Hope.  For the Lord's protection and great grace!  For peace to return to Honduras (the show hope trip was cancelled due to the political and social unrest in the country.)