Because so many people have asked how our daughter Isabella died, I thought I would take some time on the third anniversary of her passing to explain some of the things that transpired around her death and also share some of the beauty which has come from her ashes.
Sometime on January 5th 2008, the baby in my womb, who was 37 weeks gestation, stopped moving. At the time, we did not know why nor did we yet know the gender of the child because my husband, Scott, and I wanted to be surprised at the delivery. Upon the confirmation from the doctors that the baby had indeed died, we made the decision to be induced on January 6th, which also happened to be Scott's 36th birthday. I labored through much of the 6th and then in the wee hours of the night (which was January 7th) our baby girl came forth from my womb stillborn. And her silence was deafening!!!
Immediately upon her arrival, it was clear to the doctors what had taken her life. She had two knots in her umbilical cord, one which was infarcted, which means pulled tight so that blood/oxygen could no longer flow. We named her Isabella Grace (or Bella Grace) because through her name we claimed the promise found in Isaiah 63 that says the Lord will turn ashes into beauty - He will give us beauty in exchange for our ashes. Bella means beauty and Grace means the empowering presence of God.
As I sit and write these words, I realize that even after three full years the emotions associated with such an experience are too complicated to ever adequately put into words. I don't believe it is even possible to go through something like this and remain sane without the grace of God. And even for those who do not yet know God, it is clear to me that it could only be God's empowering presence and unmerited favor that would sustain a person through such an event nevertheless. Just because we might not recognize God is there doesn't mean He isn't. And in our case, it was clear that God was indeed the other man standing beside us in that firey furnace. "Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me!" Psalm 23
While Scott and I were in the hospital's labor and delivering room, my husband's boss and our dear friend, Steven Curtis Chapman, was just arriving in Scotland to meet up with some other worship leaders in order to produce a worship album.
When Steven heard the tragic news that our baby had died, he asked the other worship leaders with him at the conference in Scotland to gather and pray for our family. According to how the story was later told to me, apparently, Matt Redman, another worship leader on the trip, had a scripture impressed upon his heart by the Lord that night for us. It is found in Hebrews 6:19, which reads, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain." Then, that very same day, Matt Redman and Steven wrote a song based on that scripture in Hebrews which they titled, "Close to Your Heart." Steven and his eldest son, Caleb, stayed up all that next night recording a rough copy of the song for us so that we could listen to it as soon as possible.
By the time Scott and I left the hospital and returned to our house with empty arms and aching hearts, this song was already there waiting to ministry to our broken souls. Through the many painful nights that would come, its comforting words would minister to me as if the Holy Spirit were singing them within me directly to my heart.
Although the song, "Close to Your Heart," was not studio recorded until this past year, it has been played live and in public only one time, by Matt Redman, at the funeral of Steven Curtis Chapman's own daughter, Maria Sue Chapman, who tragically died on May 21, 2008, just four months after the death of our daughter Isabella Grace.
Even though Matt and Steve may have originally thought of us when they wrote the song, "Close to Your Heart", clearly God thought also of precious Maria and the Chapman family. And for that matter, I am sure God thought of all of His children who mourn when He authored the truths of these verses. From God's perspective, the song was written for you my dear sisters and brothers who also have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. May the Lord continue to use this song written by the Holy Spirit through the hands of His servants, Matt and Steve, as a healing balm to the souls of many who mourn.
I am so pleased to say that, "Close to Your Heart" has finally been recorded for public listening and can be downloaded from itunes.
The Song Lyrics: Close to Your Heart
Though hope is clouded
It has not left us
Though pain runs deep now
You’re deeper still
And You are holding
All things together
Hold us together now
Chorus: We have this hope
An anchor for the soul
We have this truth
A compass for the heart
You’ve gone before us
And You are with us
And You will carry us through
You will carry us close to Your heart
Here is confusion
Where is the meaning?
But we are trusting
Your Father love
And You are holding
All things together
Hold us together now
Chorus 2x: We have this hope
An anchor for the soul
We have this truth
A compass for the heart
You’ve gone before us
And You are with us
And You will carry us through
And You will carry us close to Your heart
Close to Your Heart
Safe in the arms of Jesus
She’s safe in the arms of Jesus
We’re safe in the arms of Jesus
We’re safe in the arms of Jesus
We’re safe in the arms of Jesus
Safe in the arms of Jesus
We’re safe in the arms of Jesus
She’s safe in the arms of Jesus
Chorus: We have this hope
An anchor for the soul
We have this truth
A compass for the heart
You’ve gone before us
And you are with us
And You will carry us through
You will carry us close
You have carried her home
You have carried her home to Your heart.
