Kerry Hasenbalg

Out of the Mouths of Babes

“Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.” Psalm 71:17

                           

This morning, my husband, Scott, our children, Cole and Maya, and I joined our next door neighbors and their extended family for a home church service.  It was really an incredible time of praise.  There were 14 children, ten years and under, playing instruments and dancing as Jeanie played the piano and Frank played guitar.         

                         

While the kids were dancing, I was wondering if they were dancing just because music was playing or if any of them actually were thinking of the Lord and the words of the songs.  As my 6 year old passed by me with his streamer in hand I quietly asked, “Cole what are you thinking about?”  He replied, “Mommy, I’m moving to the beat of God’s heart.”

WOW!  His words hit me like a ton of bricks.  Am I moving in life to the beat of God’s heart? What is the beat of God's heart anyhow?      

                                          

About two months ago, my son, Cole began asking me about a conversation he overheard me having about how the Word says, “Creation cries out of a Creator”.  He is very interested in nature and creation, so he asked me what I meant. I tried to net it down to kidspeak.  I said, “Let’s say you really enjoy one of your toys and that you are very grateful that you have that toy. It would be funny if you praised and thanked that toy for being a toy and for being with you, right?  Because the toy didn’t make itself and it couldn’t give itself to you.  Instead, you should be thankful to the toymaker who made it and grateful to the one who gave it to you, right?  Well, the Bible says that the same is true of things in nature.  We shouldn’t praise the trees for being trees.  They didn't make themselves.  The fact that they exist means that someone made them.  We are supposed to take care of things in natures, but we shouldn’t praise these created things, instead we should praise and thank God because He created the trees and all of nature in the first place.” Cole said that he understood and that he agreed with me.  But I wasn’t really sure how much his little mind understood or even if my words made any sense to him.  At least not until a couple of days ago, that is. 

      

I was driving home from my parents’ house with both kids in the back seat.  It seemed like a much longer trip than normal because Maya, who is now 21 months old, had become very tired of being in her car seat and she began to really fuss.  The wheels were about to come off the wagon, so to speak.  I stopped at Long John Silver’s for a nutritious fried lunch.  Desperate times deserve desperate measures, or so they say.  After we got the food, I asked Cole to help me out by sharing his lunch and feeding Maya since he could reach her from his seat.  Thanks to Cole’s obedience and willingness to help, Maya became distracted with her nutritious french fries and calmed down.  I thought, “I may just make it home sane".  “Cole, thank you – I am really grateful to you for helping Maya, “I said. But he immediately responded with, “Mom, you should really be grateful to God because God made me; and if God hadn’t given me to you, then Maya wouldn’t have a big brother to help her and then things would really be a lot tougher.” 

Again, truth out of the mouths of babes!

      

So, today my lessons have come from God through my six year old son.  And I shall choose to see and hear what can only be seen and heard with the heart.  My prayer is that I will open my spiritual eyes to truly see all the blessings in my life as coming from God - and take the time to praise Him.  The Word says that we have nothing that we have not first been given.  Also in James 1:17, it says, "Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of the Heavenly Lights, with whom there is no shadow of turning." I also pray that God will further open my ears to hear the beat of His heart so that loving others may become as natural to me as dancing is to children. 

       

P.S.  To all of those who have shared wonderful truths in the blog comments, please know they have blessed me immeasurably and I am sure have blessed others who have read them as well.

Also, to those of you who have shared about your own losses of children and about other painful trials, please know that I do not just read them, but that I take the time to pray for you. I intend to continue as God reminds me and I pray that He does.  My little one is in a strange stage of needing me in her room while she falls asleep.  At first I was a bit frustrated that we had to take this step backwards in our nighttime ritual.  But I realized that perhaps God was giving me this time to rock in the chair next to her because of the extra things for which I must now pray and interceed.

The Scars of Jesus

"Truly you are a God who hides himself, O God and Savior of Israel." –Isaiah 45:15

I am re-posting an old blog with new edits/updates, perhaps it is for some of you but probably more so for me.  Because the story I am again sharing is that which has kept me going in my own dark night of the soul.  It was the one experience I had with God which has made His existance and His love undeniable for me - even in my darkest valleys since!  An Ebennezer stone of sorts.   

Several years ago, God spoke to my heart about an emancipated foster youth with whom I was working, a Rwandan girl who had survived the genocide, and said, "Love this one as your own, and watch Me." I didn't understand, but I reluctantly tried to do my best. This young girl, Nyanja, had been told her parents died during the Rwandan genocide in 1994, when she was eight years old.  She ended up alone as a refugee in the States and grew up in US foster care.   After ten years had past, she still wanted to return to her homeland and search to see if she had any living relatives. When my organization took a trip to Rwanda along with government and business leaders, I was burdened to take her with me.

While in Rwanda, she was the only one who saw the needs of those around us with the compassion of Jesus.  We would "tour" around, but she would reach out to anyone she could.  She knew anyone she met could have been a distant relative or even her immediate family.  Finally, I agreed to take leave of the group and search for her parents, and while we were driving around I heard God say again in my Spirit "Watch Me."

We passed a group of children playing, and she cried out, "I think he's my brother!" I said, "I'm so sorry, but you don't have a younger brother. Remember, you only had an older sister and an older brother."  I really felt she might be going crazy or something.  And yet she replied indignantly, "Well, I must have a younger brother, because he looks just like me!" So, I agreed to take his picture before continuing our search. We then drove around some more and stopped to inquire with a group of people; and low and behold, they knew someone who knew someone and in no time my friend was crying and embracing her older sister. "I can't believe it's you!" her sister cried. "Mom and dad are alive! Our older brother was killed during the genocide, but mom had been pregnant then, and we have a little brother!" Sure enough, it was the very same boy we had seen earlier.

Her parents were being unjustly held in jail, so we went to the prison to find them. My young friend had not seen her mother since she was 8 years old, and more than ten years had passed. When the warden brought in her mother, she cried out repeatedly, "Mamma, mamma, mamma!" And her mother, holding back the tears, said, "No… No.  It can't be you…I have already mourned the death of my daughter!" Then, as her mother came closer, she cried out, "Wait… it is you! I knew that if someone day I found my daughter, I would recognize you by the scar on your face which you got as a child!"

And just as I began to wonder what I was doing witnessing something so intimate and holy, God whispered to my heart, "Just as my people will know me by my scars…" That moment stands out as perhaps the most profound experience I have ever had with my Savior, my Friend, and my God. I felt like the apostle Thomas—as if I was touching the scars of Jesus with my own fingers. 

Every step along the way we have seen miracles and have had the opportunity to stand amazed at God's work. Her mother and her father have since been declared innocent and released from jail.  They spent 14 years in prison without a trial and as it turns out completely innocent! 

As for that dear girl who found her parents, Nyanja, she is now living with her parents and working in Rwanda - working to try and improve the care for orphans there.  The journey is certainly not over for this family nor for any of us.   And in the midst of the joys and the wonder, the headaches and the heartaches, we continue to see God's hand as He reveals more of Himself and His treasures to us. God has said, "If you seek me with all your heart you shall surely find me." God is waiting for us amidst the poor, the needy, and the orphan, waiting to reveal His miracles and Himself—treasures hidden in the darkness.

When I lost my daughter in January, I received an email from Nyanja's father in Africa, who had only be out of prison a few weeks at that point.  His email was an incredible source of comfort for me.  This family had known suffering which I could not even imagine - they had lost two sons and two daughters and were held unjustly in prison for so many years; and yet, they were not angry or bittner, not with men nor with God.  Meeting this family was not only a secret hidden treasure for Nyanja but also for me.  Little did I know how much I would soon be needing their living example of surviving with grace.

"Truly you are a God who hides himself, O God and Savior of Israel." –Isaiah 45:15

I am re-posting an old blog with new edits/updates, perhaps it is for some of you but probably more so for me.  Because the story I am again sharing is that which has kept me going in my own dark night of the soul.  It was the one experience I had with God which has made His existance and His love undeniable for me - even in my darkest valleys since!  An Ebennezer stone of sorts.   

Several years ago, God spoke to my heart about an emancipated foster youth with whom I was working, a Rwandan girl who had survived the genocide, and said, "Love this one as your own, and watch Me." I didn't understand, but I reluctantly tried to do my best. This young girl, Nyanja, had been told her parents died during the Rwandan genocide in 1994, when she was eight years old.  She ended up alone as a refugee in the States and grew up in US foster care.   After ten years had past, she still wanted to return to her homeland and search to see if she had any living relatives. When my organization took a trip to Rwanda along with government and business leaders, I was burdened to take her with me.

While in Rwanda, she was the only one who saw the needs of those around us with the compassion of Jesus.  We would "tour" around, but she would reach out to anyone she could.  She knew anyone she met could have been a distant relative or even her immediate family.  Finally, I agreed to take leave of the group and search for her parents, and while we were driving around I heard God say again in my Spirit "Watch Me."

We passed a group of children playing, and she cried out, "I think he's my brother!" I said, "I'm so sorry, but you don't have a younger brother. Remember, you only had an older sister and an older brother."  I really felt she might be going crazy or something.  And yet she replied indignantly, "Well, I must have a younger brother, because he looks just like me!" So, I agreed to take his picture before continuing our search. We then drove around some more and stopped to inquire with a group of people; and low and behold, they knew someone who knew someone and in no time my friend was crying and embracing her older sister. "I can't believe it's you!" her sister cried. "Mom and dad are alive! Our older brother was killed during the genocide, but mom had been pregnant then, and we have a little brother!" Sure enough, it was the very same boy we had seen earlier.

Her parents were being unjustly held in jail, so we went to the prison to find them. My young friend had not seen her mother since she was 8 years old, and more than ten years had passed. When the warden brought in her mother, she cried out repeatedly, "Mamma, mamma, mamma!" And her mother, holding back the tears, said, "No… No.  It can't be you…I have already mourned the death of my daughter!" Then, as her mother came closer, she cried out, "Wait… it is you! I knew that if someone day I found my daughter, I would recognize you by the scar on your face which you got as a child!"

And just as I began to wonder what I was doing witnessing something so intimate and holy, God whispered to my heart, "Just as my people will know me by my scars…" That moment stands out as perhaps the most profound experience I have ever had with my Savior, my Friend, and my God. I felt like the apostle Thomas—as if I was touching the scars of Jesus with my own fingers. 

Every step along the way we have seen miracles and have had the opportunity to stand amazed at God's work. Her mother and her father have since been declared innocent and released from jail.  They spent 14 years in prison without a trial and as it turns out completely innocent! 

As for that dear girl who found her parents, Nyanja, she is now living with her parents and working in Rwanda - working to try and improve the care for orphans there.  The journey is certainly not over for this family nor for any of us.   And in the midst of the joys and the wonder, the headaches and the heartaches, we continue to see God's hand as He reveals more of Himself and His treasures to us. God has said, "If you seek me with all your heart you shall surely find me." God is waiting for us amidst the poor, the needy, and the orphan, waiting to reveal His miracles and Himself—treasures hidden in the darkness.

When I lost my daughter in January, I received an email from Nyanja's father in Africa, who had only be out of prison a few weeks at that point.  His email was an incredible source of comfort for me.  This family had known suffering which I could not even imagine - they had lost two sons and two daughters and were held unjustly in prison for so many years; and yet, they were not angry or bittner, not with men nor with God.  Meeting this family was not only a secret hidden treasure for Nyanja but also for me.  Little did I know how much I would soon be needing their living example of surviving with grace.

A Fundamental Truth We Sometimes Overlook

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" Luke 10:25-29   

When life becomes clouded and confusing and the future seems scary and uncertain, we often begin reexamining the foundation of our faith. Even those who have already been found by Jesus Christ can “feel” completely lost and sense the need to reestablish their moral bearings in order that fear not take them farther off course. And so we start back at the beginning searching out those fundamental things about which we can be sure. Just as the most violent parts of my life storms have past, I have found myself asking questions like: Who is God? What is His character? And what does He want from me?

So, who is God? Well, He is a lot of things. He is the alpha and the omega – the beginning and the end. He is the Great I am. And God is love.

So, then God, or should I say LOVE, since that’s your name, “Who are we and what do you want from us?” We are those born of God, right?! So, what are those who are born of God suppose to do? What is to be the constant action of our lives when nothing else seems constant?

Since we are starting back at the beginning, let’s take a look at the number one thing God has asked of us and that which Christ reiterated in the New Testament as the first and greatest commandment to all those born of God: “To Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength.” And then He said, that the second is just like the first (meaning that these two commands can not be separated from one another) ‘to love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12: 30-32. Since we can not see you Lord and you are not tangible, how do we first love you? He also says in His Word, “If you love Me, then you will obey Me.” Obey you how? By performing the second, which is just like the first, by loving our neighbors as ourselves. God asks us a very important rhetorical question in the book of First John when He says, “How can you love those whom you have not seen if you can not love those whom you have seen?” And no man, it says, has ever seen the face of God. So, we must love God by loving the ones we can see. I suppose those whom we can see are our neighbors. My neighbors are those “neigh” to me, through relationship or proximity, by choice, chance or providence. These are my neighbors. Jesus explains through a parable in the 10^th chapter of Luke that the person who has mercy on another who is in trouble and nearby is the one who has loved his neighbor.

God has been showing me that the degree to which we show sacrificial love to our Christian sisters and brothers who are right next to us is the degree to which our love is real. It is often much easier to love those across the ocean than it is to truly love our spouses, our colleagues, our housemates, our classmates, our in-laws, our fellow parishioners, our superiors, or our subordinates....but these are our neighbors and our treatment of them reveals our true selves and the genuineness of our love for God!  Convicting? Yes. Convicting for me – most certainly! But I want to know what is true so that my life will not be a lie and not get any further off course than this storm has already pushed me. I am still here on this earth and so God must have things for me to do. I expect my children to do the first things I ask of them first unless I tell them otherwise. God is not so unlike this in His parenting of us.

Since we are starting at the beginning, let’s be sure we even know what love is and how we are to administer this personification of God, Himself. How does God expect me to love? God has told us in His Word exactly what are the ingredients of real love. Love is first and foremost patient. Another word used for patience in the Bible is long-suffering. This is not talking about the kind of patient waiting that is easy, but the kind of waiting that is difficult, the kind which calls us to suffer for and with others for a long time! This is not unlike how God has long-suffered and is long-suffering with each of us. Did you come quickly to Him and honor each thing He has asked of you? I have not, but He has remained my friend and brother, forgiver and comforter. When I needed Him, He was still there waiting for me to repent and return. Love is first and foremost patient and our constant contact with those around us tests our patience far more than does our taking part in religious activities such as short term mission trips or sending a check to a ministry.  As a former missionary to Russia, I can most assuredly tell you that it is more a test of godly love to see how we love the other missionaries with whom we are serving and living closely, than it is to love the natives who we see only occasionally. People annoy people eventually, and it is the kind of love which comes from the spirit of God that keeps us serving joyfully, without grumbling and complaining, those who are right next to us and who are inevitably annoying us.  Keep in mind that we are probably annoying them just as much, if not more! 

The Word says that this is how we know what real love is:  Jesus gave his life for us. So we should give our lives for our brothers and sisters.  And what is our life?  Are we willing to share our things and our time...for this is our life.... and be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving in the process, with those situated by God right next to us? For this is exactly what God has asked of us – to be living sacrifices.

Love is kind, it does not envy, or boast, it bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and love never fails...... What about those who hurt me and who are against me, how can I love them? If godly love was easy then it certainly would not be made up of the type of characteristics that God had listed in Corinthians. If it was easy it would not require us to suffer and “bear with” and to hope in what is not there now and to endure and stand against our inclination to keep a record of wrongs or refuse to become jealous of those who are being blessed even though they are hurting us.

I hear so many people talking about how they have fallen out of love with their spouses. Honestly, the truth is simply that one can not fall out of love because love is certainly not something which one can fall into in the first place. Falling is far too easy and involuntary, and it can happen without any effort at all. The love of God to which He has called us takes far more effort than that. It is at least more like a stepping up than a falling into. It is when we think we are falling out of love that we actually are given the chance to love with a godly love in the first place. It is when the suffering comes and the reason to keep a record of wrongs takes place that we are presented with the opportunity to love as God loves.

So, who are we to love? Our neighbors. Yes, and our enemies. They wouldn’t be our enemies if they had not been near enough to us at one point to be our neighbor. Right?! How are we to do this – to love the ones who despises us and harm us? We do this through the power of the Holy Spirit of course and by choosing to go to God for help. For those people whose enemies are truly not safe for them to be around, then it is just a matter of praying to forgive them. Forgiveness can come before the repentance of the wrongdoer. Until repentance comes on the part of the sinner then relationship is not possible because two are not living in the light. Forgiveness will free the forgiver. There is certainly enough pain in this life without me harming myself more by holding on to my own bitterness and unforgiveness which the Word says will dry up my bones. On the cross, Jesus said, “forgive them for they know not what they are doing.” That is when Jesus forgave us, and performed His greatest act of love towards us, before we even realized what we were doing something to harm and hurt ourselves, others, and God. We are to pray for and implore blessings on those who persecute us and speak wrongly against us? Matthew 5:42-44

Let us stop fooling ourselves into believing that we would love the people in Africa or China more than we love the ones in our communities, homes or offices?  The test of love is right now with those who are right in front of us.  Don't ask God to enlarge your territory until you properly love the ones already in your land because more people and more places will just make you more responsible before God.  In my devotional reading yesterday, “Echoes of Eternity” Hal Helms writes   “Be at peace with your neighbor. Do not allow opinions to wound and separate you one from another.  Be careful to fight on the right front, and do not be tricked into trying to win your point. This is important.”

*If you would like a collection of 30 devotions written by Kerry, Steven Curtis Chapman, and others, you can order “Seeds of Change” from Shaohannah’s Hope at cost.  Perfect for group study. Order here >

*Listen to Kerry’s speech at the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit III. Listen here >

Honoring those with Jesus

“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.” –Ephesians 5:31-32

I have found that the easiest way for me to keep on going when the road gets very steep is by keeping the end goal in mind.  And this requires a continual shifting of my perspective from an earthly one to a heavenly one. “Set your mind on things of heaven…” (Colossians 3:2a). Keeping the heavenly perspective is difficult for us earthbound folks.  The loss of my daughter this past January has forced me to ask God to make heaven more real to me.

It was Easter Sunday and I was struggling incredibly with the loss of Isabella!  God had been ministering to me the importance of letting go of the emotional pain in my heart and allowing His healing hand to touch my inmost parts.  I was certain that my new physical heart condition that began when I was first told she had died was at some level a manifestation of my emotional heartbreak.      

I had read a published letter that the old Puritan Pastor, Samuel Rutherford, had written to his friend who had lost her son.  In the letter he told her to cease from continually recalling the circumstances surrounding her son’s death because it was causing her heart greater harm.  When I read this, I was certain that God was addressing me.  God was continually reminding that I have a husband and two other children entrusted to me for whom I must properly care.  I know God wanted me to honor Him by obeying what He was showing me to do, but letting go of the pain seemed so dishonoring to Isabella because the pain was all I had left of her.   

So, on that resurrection day, I cried out to the Lord, “Help me to obey you, help me to understand.”  And then it was as if God’s Spirit immediately began to gently minister to my heart, showing me that, whatever I do to honor God honors Isabella because they have been united in heavenly glory—they are together, they are one.  He reminded me that this is all part of the great mystery of the heavenly bride which I can not yet fully understand, but I knew that He was showing me that for now I must choose to simply believe and trust Him. 

It resonated with what I already knew to be true of the Word.  In the heavenly realm, the Spirit and the Bride are together, and they are both saying the same thing and being blessed by the same things.  In the last chapter of the last book of the Bible, we actually find the Spirit and the Bride of Christ speaking with one voice saying to all who can hear, “Come!” (Rev. 22:17).  Just as the earthly husband and wife are to act and be seen as one flesh, so too are the heavenly Bride and our heavenly Husband one!

I am grateful for the time I have before me in this life to give good gifts to the two children I am currently raising, but I am saddened that I do not have more time to give human gifts to the two who have already gone on to be with Jesus. God has consoled me in this sadness as well by continually reminding me that whenever I praise and honor Jesus with the actions of my life, I am honoring and giving heavenly gifts to my daughters who are already with Him, and I desire to give gifts to all of my children!   

After being confronted with eternity, I realized that there are only three things which I know to be eternal:  God, His Word, and the souls of Men; and so, I now seek all the more to pour into those things which are eternal.  The eternal realm is the place where I can connect with my beloved daughters. As I have stepped out in obedience, I have experienced God’s healing for my heart, not just emotionally, but also physically. So as I choose to forgive and practice sacrificial love to those around me, as I give generously with a joyful heart to the things that matter to God, as I seek to read and live out His Word, as I praise Him even in the storms, and as I unclench my fists and lay my aching heart before Him for healing, I know that I am honoring God as well as my loved ones, who have passed on before me, even my own children who are with Jesus.

*Special note: Please pray for Dennis Rainey’s (FamilyLife Today) daughter Rebecca and her husband Jake who are parents to their 7 day old daughter, Molly, who was born very sick and is heading home to be with Jesus.

The Waters Stirred by Storms

“Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” -1 Peter 4:1b-2

When the great storms of life come, I find that the debris resting in the secret depths of the waters of my soul begin to surface. Before the storms came these pollutants were hardly noticeable, but the turbulence made the waters cloudy, and I found myself face to face with the blemishes of my heart. Those things which had previously been forgotten, ignored, or even unknown were now being remembered, seen, and realized.

When the first major storm came into my married life which was the miscarriage of our first daughter my past sins and hurts began flooding my mind. My first inclination was to ignore what I was seeing.  Since I could not see a cause and effect connection between the storm and the garbage which was now surfacing, I figured, “Why address these unrelated things now, since the storm itself had caused enough pain and unwanted change for one season.” I wondered how the fact that I am still holding on to the hurt of being rejected by a Christian sister could be connected to this tragic loss. How could my struggles with forgiveness, pride, man-pleasing and judgment be connected to the death of my daughter?

No matter what the answers to these questions were going to be, I sensed somewhere deep inside that my choosing purification would honor my daughter more than ignoring these things and ultimately allowing them to remain and return to the depths below once the storm had past. I kept thinking that I did not want to “waste my sorrow.” I also felt more responsible before God for any subsequent poisoning these pollutants may cause in my life and my relationships now that they had been so revealed to me. I made the conscious and difficult decision to allow God to have His way in my broken heart. Since the waters were already stirred up, I might as well take the opportunity to bring these sins to God for His removal. I knew that sin in this world had taken my daughter and I did not want to be fighting on the side of sin by giving into my own.

It seemed that the only thing I could control in this storm was the confession of the sin now before me and the choice to forgive and be forgiven. I couldn’t stop the storm from coming, and I couldn’t fix what had been broken by it. However, this was something I could control. I sensed this was the one way I could be an active part in the healing process for my hurting soul, my broken husband, my fragile children, and those who were hurting around me. By simply admitting to what I was seeing as wrong in my own life and my need for God to change me, I became a part of the healing. I sought reconciliation in every way I knew how ­both with God and with others.

Now, three years later, Scott and I have found ourselves in the most intense and longest lasting storm of our lives. Since January we have mourned the deaths of four close loved ones, one of which was our own daughter Isabella Grace. And, once again, I found myself experiencing much of the same thing. After all I had confessed the last time, I was shocked and dismayed to find that this new storm had brought things to the surface that were even more painful and foul to remember than what was revealed the last time. “Why had I not seen these things before”, I wondered. Had the turbulence brought them up but I had ignored them, or had they remained hidden even then. Perhaps these things were so heavy and buried so deeply that it took such a powerful storm to churn up the waters enough to bring such weighty things to the surface.

What I saw were deep hurts I had caused to myself through bad choices, great pains others have inflicted upon me that I had not completely forgiven, and many hurts caused simply by living in this broken world. More forgiveness and more healing, more confession and more honesty were needed in my life. I needed healing and I knew that healing would come if I would give my hurts to God by taking my broken and faulty heart to the foot of the cross. Beauty for ashes was my earnest prayer during this time, and I knew that God wanted also to do something beautiful in me. I asked God to be gentle as He cleaned out the dirt from my wounded heart. My husband always says, “Hurt people hurt other people.” And I was keenly aware that in my own hurt, I had to choose to give my past hurts and un-confessed sin to God so that I did not inflict pain and hurt upon those around me. If I hurt my husband, the word says I am hurting myself – we are one flesh. If I harm others in the family of god, I am harming myself – we part of the same body. And I felt hurt and harmed enough!

It is very possible to go through a great storm and come out having been no more purified than before the storm began. It is even possible to be more bitter and far more broken in the long-term. I know that this could have been very possible in my life. Storms come, and very often there is no connection at all with the sin and hurt inside. It was not my sin which caused me to lose my daughters, but it was sin which took their lives nevertheless, simply because we live in a world which has been broken by sin. And as a result of losing them, I have learned to confess my sin and turn from sin more proactively than I had before these storms ever came. “Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you” (Col 3:2-5a).

Even in light of all the good that has come to my soul because of these storms, if given the choice, I would still not choose to have lost either of my daughters. But God, in His infinite wisdom, did not give me that choice. The choice He gave me was what I was going to do as a result of the storms that came. The waters of my life are more purified than they were before the storms ever came, and I also know that my choosing repentance has honored the lives of my two daughters in heaven. I know that when we honor God through our obedience and choice to access the cross for forgiveness and cleansing, we are also honoring those who have died before us in Christ because they are now one.  I am sure that there is debris still remaining in the recesses of my life because we live in a sinful world always seeking to pollute and corrupt, but I am grateful that God says we can continually come to Him for His cleansing from all unrighteousness - washing by the water of His Holy Word, by His Holy Spirit because He is the Word, and by Jesus who is the Word become Flesh.

Francoise Fenelon wrote quite apropos in this regard. He said, “We must suffer, but the aim of our pain is to purify our souls, and make us worthy of him...for often a deprivation that disturbs and humbles us is more useful to us than an abundance of comforting.”

The Chapman Four-Leaf Clovers

“She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me’." –Genesis 16:13

During the days immediately following Maria’s death, the Chapman family stayed at the home of their dear friends, Reggie and Karen Andersen.  On one of those first days, while Steven was spending time in the Andersen’s yard, “walking and talking with God”, he looked down and there before his eyes was a four-leaf clover.  It was the first time he’d ever found one. 

One week later, Melissa, who serves as the primary babysitter to the young Chapman girls, was returning from the pool with my son, Cole; and she found herself standing in a patch of clovers.  She asked the Lord to reveal Himself just as He had done to Steven through the finding of a four-leaf clover.  She bent down and began to look, and right away the Lord took her eyes to a genuine four-leaf clover.  She and Cole came bouncing into the home where we were staying, and Melissa began testifying to me of what the Lord had just done.  She, too, had never found one before.

I was reminded of the words spoken in the book of Genesis when Hagar said, “I see the God who sees me.” It was not only a genuine four-leaf clover but it was the largest clover I’d ever seen.  We pressed it into a book and decided that it ought to be preserved in some way so that Melissa could always look at it and remember God’s faithfulness to show up and answer her. 

However, within only a few minutes, we received a message that our dear friend and neighbor in Pennsylvania, Bill, was going into emergency surgery, and the prognosis for him to walk again did not look good.  Melissa and I went straight into prayer, but it was the kind of prayer that had very few words and many, many tears.  Our faith which had just been strengthened suddenly fell very weak again.  It was as if we could no longer see the God who had just revealed Himself only moments earlier.  The clouds had once again rolled in, and we so hoped God could still see us and hear our cries.  When it was time for Melissa to leave, she left so heavy-hearted and down-trodden that she had forgotten about the four-leaf clover all together and had left it behind.

Scott and I decided that evening that we must leave the very next day in order to return to PA and help in anyway we could with Bill and his family of nine children.  On our way out of town, Scott and I stopped by the Chapman home to say good-bye to them for now.  I brought along the book with the four-leaf clover pressed inside so that the Chapmans could give it to Melissa.  When I showed it to them, Mary Beth immediately pulled out two other four-leaf clovers and said, “Now that’s the third one found since losing Maria.”   And she took the other two clovers and laid them beside the third one, pressed in the book.

Not a single one of us are superstitious; we simply believed that God must have a message in it all.  I said, “Isn’t there something particularly godly that St. Patrick referred to about the clover?”  Mary Beth said, “Shaoey knows all about St. Patrick.”  And then Steven called to her, “Hey Shaohannah, would you please come tell us the story of St. Patrick.”  Shaoey came in and gave us the entire story about St. Patrick, and when she got to the part about how St. Patrick wanted to tell all the people about God she said, “And he picked up a clover and said that God is like a clover, He is three in one, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” 

We then began to talk about the role that we shall play after death, as the Bride of Christ.  The theme that God had been repeating over and over again in these times of tragedy and trial is that of the final uniting of the Bride of Christ and her Husband Redeemer Jesus Christ. Those who die in Christ will reign with Him! “Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (Romans 8:17).

If the three-leaf clover is a picture of the three-in-one God, could it be possible that the Lord used the four-leaf clover for this family in these days to remind us that there is a fourth to be revealed in the days coming who will dwell united with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit forever.  The fourth member of heaven whom God is preparing and for whom all of heaven waits: the Church, the Bride, the Wife of the Lamb! 

While we were considering this beautiful reminder that Maria has joined the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, we remembered again the God who sees us. Steven called us together to pray, and again we lifted up our voices to Heaven on behalf of our dear friend Bill. May the God who sees reveal Himself as the God who heals…

Maria truly is safe in the arms of Jesus. I believe she is united as one flesh with her loving God, just as all those who have gone to Jesus before us.  As for those of us here, may we remember each time we find a three-leaf clover the power and love of our Triune God, and also that in this life we will still face trials of many kind because we are not home yet.  In those times that God may choose to give you a four-leaf clover, remember those Saints who have gone before and know that they are safe with the Lord.  May we all see the God who sees us!   

Softened by Suffering

“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” -1 Peter 4:12-13

Over the last couple of days Emily and I have been talking about how challenging it can be to be out in public after tragic loss.   Smiling faces gaze upon her, but she cannot honestly return their smiles because of how greatly she is suffering inside.

I can clearly remember going to the grocery store for the first time after our loss and thinking that I was walking around crippled and broken inside, but no one in the store had any idea.  It was as if my heart wanted to cry aloud, “All of you, who are strangers, please be careful with me...I am broken!” 

But I also recall wondering how many others around me might also be suffering, though I could not see their pain either.  How many others had lost children?  Who might have cancer?   The Chapman’s family friend, David Lipscomb, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the day I lost my daughter.  Steven’s father had a heart attack then too, and around the same time I remember hearing about a politically motivated slaughter of innocent people taking place in Kenya during those days of my sorrow. I wondered how many right here in this grocery store might truly be hurting and alone?  How many are clinging to Jesus, and how many are suffering without hope? I realized at that moment that the suffering ones are all around us all the time, but because so much of the suffering of man takes place on the inside, we do not know that we are surrounded by the walking wounded.

If so many people are acting so insensitive with me—smiling glibly as if all is right with the world, I wonder how often I was not sufficiently gentle or careful with those around me because of my own self-absorption.   Forgive us, Lord, because we have no idea how much our self-centeredness might be inadvertently hurting those who are already wounded. No wonder the Word calls us to be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven us.  It is necessary that this be the manner in which we live. Last Friday, several thousand people came to mourn and grieve with the Chapman family, and Steven spoke about how we are a part of the fellowship of the suffering. Membership in this group cannot be easily seen with human eyes; it is not branded on our handbags like the Greek letters of a fraternity or stuck on our bumpers like our political affiliation.  Most often you can only know its members by taking the time to care and inquire of their lives.  When we do, we just might find a depth of character, a real patience, and a strange sense of hope in those who are a part. For the Word says that trials develop perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope, and that hope does not disappoint. 

Steven and Mary Beth shared with us again at a Shaohannah’s Hope staff dinner last night that their suffering has made them more acutely aware of the sufferings of others, and many have stepped forward to let them know that they too have suffered and are suffering.  They have been broken by their pain, but they are now broken for those in pain around the world, from earthquake victims in China to cyclone victims in Burma.  When your heart has been softened by suffering, you find a new compassion for those around you, especially for those whom you have joined in the fellowship of the suffering.

So when we find our smiles not reciprocated by those who pass us by, or when our kindnesses are not met with sufficient gratitude, let us be quick to make allowances for the other person. Let us not judge, but instead pray and love.  For we are One in Christ, part of His body—His broken body.

Even as I post this right now, a dear friend of mine, of the Chapmans, and of this ministry is in surgery.  Please, please pray that the God who heals will heal Bill and restore his ability to walk and take care of himself.

The Fellowship of the Suffering

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” –Romans 8:17

After Maria’s memorial service, the Chapman girls opened the little brown boxes which they found sitting in the back seat of their vehicle. Inside were four beaded bracelets: two tiny ones for Shaoey and Stevey Joy, and two larger ones for Emily and Mary Beth. They were made of pearl, gold, and crystal beads, and next to the bracelets was a small note card. On the card was a message about heaven found in Revelation chapter 21, “The twelve gates were made of twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl! The great street of the city was made of pure gold, like transparent glass… And He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” The bracelets were of pearl, gold, and transparent crystal: a small picture of heaven, of our future glory, of our hope.

Back at the Anderson's home that evening, I noticed Mary Beth was wearing the bracelet, and it matched the one on my wrist. Mine had been given to me by the same family after we lost our little girl. I looked at Mary Beth's, and she looked at mine. “I have had it on since the day I first received it,” I told her. And she responded, “I know, I have admired it on you, but I never wanted one of my own.”

That evening, as Mary Beth put Stevey Joy and Shaohannah to bed, one of the last things they did was to put their arms side by side with their bracelets touching and say together, “heaven power”. The next morning after Stevey woke up and came downstairs, she snuggled up next to her mom, who was sitting with me on the couch, and once again they made their bracelets touch and said in unison, “heaven power”. Stevey then came over to me to say good morning, and when she did, she looked at my wrist and said, “Hey you have one too.” “Yep, sure do, that's for my Isabella who's in heaven too.” “Then, let's do heaven power,” she said. And so we did!

We admire the beauty which adorns the lives of those who suffer, but if given the choice, we would ask that the cup of suffering pass us by, no matter what hope of future beauty there might be. The fellowship of the suffering is one group we would never choose to join. However, just as Steven told me even today, we find there is a strange sense of strength in knowing that we are not alone. We receive comfort in the fellowship of the suffering.

P.S. For anyone interested in purchasing a "heaven" bracelet, you can do so via the website:  http://www.whimsyonawire.com