The Waters Stirred by Storms

“Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” -1 Peter 4:1b-2

When the great storms of life come, I find that the debris resting in the secret depths of the waters of my soul begin to surface. Before the storms came these pollutants were hardly noticeable, but the turbulence made the waters cloudy, and I found myself face to face with the blemishes of my heart. Those things which had previously been forgotten, ignored, or even unknown were now being remembered, seen, and realized.

When the first major storm came into my married life which was the miscarriage of our first daughter my past sins and hurts began flooding my mind. My first inclination was to ignore what I was seeing.  Since I could not see a cause and effect connection between the storm and the garbage which was now surfacing, I figured, “Why address these unrelated things now, since the storm itself had caused enough pain and unwanted change for one season.” I wondered how the fact that I am still holding on to the hurt of being rejected by a Christian sister could be connected to this tragic loss. How could my struggles with forgiveness, pride, man-pleasing and judgment be connected to the death of my daughter?

No matter what the answers to these questions were going to be, I sensed somewhere deep inside that my choosing purification would honor my daughter more than ignoring these things and ultimately allowing them to remain and return to the depths below once the storm had past. I kept thinking that I did not want to “waste my sorrow.” I also felt more responsible before God for any subsequent poisoning these pollutants may cause in my life and my relationships now that they had been so revealed to me. I made the conscious and difficult decision to allow God to have His way in my broken heart. Since the waters were already stirred up, I might as well take the opportunity to bring these sins to God for His removal. I knew that sin in this world had taken my daughter and I did not want to be fighting on the side of sin by giving into my own.

It seemed that the only thing I could control in this storm was the confession of the sin now before me and the choice to forgive and be forgiven. I couldn’t stop the storm from coming, and I couldn’t fix what had been broken by it. However, this was something I could control. I sensed this was the one way I could be an active part in the healing process for my hurting soul, my broken husband, my fragile children, and those who were hurting around me. By simply admitting to what I was seeing as wrong in my own life and my need for God to change me, I became a part of the healing. I sought reconciliation in every way I knew how ­both with God and with others.

Now, three years later, Scott and I have found ourselves in the most intense and longest lasting storm of our lives. Since January we have mourned the deaths of four close loved ones, one of which was our own daughter Isabella Grace. And, once again, I found myself experiencing much of the same thing. After all I had confessed the last time, I was shocked and dismayed to find that this new storm had brought things to the surface that were even more painful and foul to remember than what was revealed the last time. “Why had I not seen these things before”, I wondered. Had the turbulence brought them up but I had ignored them, or had they remained hidden even then. Perhaps these things were so heavy and buried so deeply that it took such a powerful storm to churn up the waters enough to bring such weighty things to the surface.

What I saw were deep hurts I had caused to myself through bad choices, great pains others have inflicted upon me that I had not completely forgiven, and many hurts caused simply by living in this broken world. More forgiveness and more healing, more confession and more honesty were needed in my life. I needed healing and I knew that healing would come if I would give my hurts to God by taking my broken and faulty heart to the foot of the cross. Beauty for ashes was my earnest prayer during this time, and I knew that God wanted also to do something beautiful in me. I asked God to be gentle as He cleaned out the dirt from my wounded heart. My husband always says, “Hurt people hurt other people.” And I was keenly aware that in my own hurt, I had to choose to give my past hurts and un-confessed sin to God so that I did not inflict pain and hurt upon those around me. If I hurt my husband, the word says I am hurting myself – we are one flesh. If I harm others in the family of god, I am harming myself – we part of the same body. And I felt hurt and harmed enough!

It is very possible to go through a great storm and come out having been no more purified than before the storm began. It is even possible to be more bitter and far more broken in the long-term. I know that this could have been very possible in my life. Storms come, and very often there is no connection at all with the sin and hurt inside. It was not my sin which caused me to lose my daughters, but it was sin which took their lives nevertheless, simply because we live in a world which has been broken by sin. And as a result of losing them, I have learned to confess my sin and turn from sin more proactively than I had before these storms ever came. “Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you” (Col 3:2-5a).

Even in light of all the good that has come to my soul because of these storms, if given the choice, I would still not choose to have lost either of my daughters. But God, in His infinite wisdom, did not give me that choice. The choice He gave me was what I was going to do as a result of the storms that came. The waters of my life are more purified than they were before the storms ever came, and I also know that my choosing repentance has honored the lives of my two daughters in heaven. I know that when we honor God through our obedience and choice to access the cross for forgiveness and cleansing, we are also honoring those who have died before us in Christ because they are now one.  I am sure that there is debris still remaining in the recesses of my life because we live in a sinful world always seeking to pollute and corrupt, but I am grateful that God says we can continually come to Him for His cleansing from all unrighteousness - washing by the water of His Holy Word, by His Holy Spirit because He is the Word, and by Jesus who is the Word become Flesh.

Francoise Fenelon wrote quite apropos in this regard. He said, “We must suffer, but the aim of our pain is to purify our souls, and make us worthy of him...for often a deprivation that disturbs and humbles us is more useful to us than an abundance of comforting.”

Comments

[Angie]

Kerry, Your honesty and sincerity is inspiring , as well as convicting. I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago while searching as to how the Chapman's were doing. I almost felt guilty reading your posts, as they are so personal and raw, but please know that God has taught me alot just through reading your words. The way you fight to keep your eyes and faith on Him through all He is allowing in your life, and in the lives of your dear friends, is amazing...and reflects God's heart in yours so beautifully. I hope you will forgive me for being so presumptuous to even comment on your beautiful post, but as I read your story, I kept wondering if you were familiar with Angie Smith, married to Todd Smith, who is part of Selah. I stumbled across her blog around the time I found yours and the similarities in what you both are going through is striking. Her blog is www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com. Again, please forgive me for being so bold, but as you mentioned in an earlier post, some element of comfort can come through the fellowship of those who are also suffering around you...perhaps some further comfort can come for you and Mary Beth in reading Angie's words. I am praying for you and your family and the Chapman's daily. May you know that God is holding you in His arms...the same arms that are holding your sweet girls, and sweet Maria. Love and sincere prayers, Angie Stanley

[Lee Ann Brown]

Thank you Kerry. There is comfort in fellowship with others who are waiting to be reunited with their children...you feel a freedom to say what you need to say and not worry that you won't be understood. Your words bring healing, thank you for sharing your sweet heart.

Lee Ann Brown
[email protected]

[Lynn]

I don't know if you've ever heard the song "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns, but your post and the grief shared by all who know and are a part of the Chapman family constantly brings this song to mind. I continue to pray for healing, not only for the loss of a precious daughter, but for the loss you share for your close friends the Chapman family. God bless.

[Misty and Sarah]

Kerry~
I am truly in awe at how God speaks through you. Thank you for being so transparent in you faith as well as your personal life. I have been having some personal issues with my 12 year old daughter, she was adopted from Taiwan when she was 5 months old. What a awesome gift to receive a precious baby. But I feel that sometimes the pain of not being able to have a baby biologically is somehow wrapped up in our relationship as mother and daughter. I am very strong willed when it comes to being organized and I have a "in charge" attitude as a mother of 5 children, 2 adopted and 3 biological( God proved the doctors wrong!)
So I am so happy that you spoke the word to me tonight. I need to be broken and I need to let the debris of my painful past of not being able to have a child be swept out to sea... If you have a chance please pray for us that God would use our testimony to touch many lives.. And that he would heal our relationship through Christ....
In Him~ Misty Peterson

[julie]

Dear Kerry,

I don't know you, but I am your sister in Christ and I check your blog every day for encouragement. And simply put, He is using you in my life like you wouldn't believe! Your witness is really helping me change my life and center it on the Lord. Because of your sharing my kids and my husband are experiencing a mom who has her eyes right where they belong, focused on our Heavenly Father.

I ache for you when I read your struggles, but they give me the strength to face my own. And oh, the Lord is so glorified as we grow in faith and cling to Him.

I only pray for a friend like you for when the storms rock through my life.... be blessed Kerry.

Your Friend,
Julie

[Dena]

Reading your posts the last few weeks, I realize I've got some forgiving to do. You have made me think back to my own miscarraiges 9 years ago, and how I handled the pain and loss. There were a couple of people who deeply wounded me in that time, and I've realized that I'm still holding on to that.
I really want to deal with that and truly forgive.
I am so glad that God used your writing to open my eyes.
Thank you.

[Kim]

Kerry
God Bless you for being so open and honest in your posts and for your willingness to share it with others, so that others can begin to heal through your words and actions, their own losses and sin. I too have lost a daughter and we buried our grief for far too long and did not deal with it, we just kept pushing ourselves to go on and are just now trying to deal with the past and all that has happened. Before we lost our precious daughter, we had also lost several children through miscarriage. Your words are a comfort and inspiration and a reminder that with HIM we can get through this and good can come from our pain and loss.
We are blessed with 8 children through adoption and we know that this was HIS plan for our family and we put all our hope and faith in Him and give Him the Glory for blessing us with each and every one of them. I look forward to reading your blog. You have no idea how much your words are helping me and countless others. God Bless you, the Chapmans, the Mullicans, and the Coleys during this difficult time. You are all in our thoughts and prayers. Blessings, Kim

[Tina Christen]

Kerry,
As I took a walk alone in the dark last night, I begged the Lord to help me stay in His presence and not to flounder in my sin, regret, and pain. As my pastor preached last Sunday...I asked the Lord to help me accept the boundaries of my life (what the Lord has allowed) and to see those boundaries as beautiful instead of a burden. I have a tendancy to play "If only..." games in my mind. If only I would feel more engaged in a ministry. If only my church were smaller and more intimate. If only my husband would be different. Even after my tear stained prayers of begging the Lord to change ME, I continue to be a sinner. But you know, those ARE my boundaries. We live in a that sinful, fallen world you talked about. My human heart is sin-ravaged. My only recourse is to continually look for His face and beg for forgiveness...to wait for His return, to see the beauty in that, and let that be my joy. Transformation is hopefully taking place, though I don't always feel I'm seeing it.

Kerry, thank you for opening the door to your heart and letting us in. You have blessed me this morning and led me once again into the Lord's presence. I'm so happy I have found your blog.

God bless you, Kerry!
Tina

[Beka]

Wow. How amazingly true and well put. I'm not sure that I've ever heard it put that way before, but, then again, I guess I've never been through such a turbulent storm. I know that trials are for our good, it's like putting gold or silver through the fire. All the impurities rise to the surface, and can be skimmed off the top to make the gold more pure. But I guess that's the same thing you're saying with storms. We can look a beautiful clear lake: so clear we can see the sandy bottom, but who knows what kind of junk and filth is underneath. It's only when a storm comes through and shakes it up that all the debris comes out, and can be removed. It's not fun or enjoyable, and it causes us pain, but it's God's way of purifying our lives and making us more like Him. I think I understand the line "I am the God Who never wastes a single hurt that you endure" all the more now. Thank you so much for sharing that.

[Chase]

Beautiful. Thougt-provoking. Honesy. Clear and full of life.

Thank you for sharing that. Sometimes I dont like what lays in the water, what grieves the Spirit or wastes my heart.

As a newlywed, I appreciate you sharing your struggles, it only ministers to those who are just now realize my actions hurt more than myself.

Thank you,
Chase

[Darlee]

Dear Kerry,

Thank you for sharing God and all that he is teaching you with us. He is using you (the Chapman's, and Angie Smith) to open my eyes and wake up my heart. YOUR precious heart is blessing me.

Darlee