The Tears of God

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. James 5:16-17

Even though only a couple months had passed since losing Isabella, it felt like years of pain had surfaced.  So many tears, hours of silence, times of prayer, and a great deal of thinking about the unknown future as well as the pains of my past. How can I move from this place if I am now thrown back into the pains and sins of years gone by?

I knew that I had been completely forgiven for every thing I had ever confessed in the past, but I had a new sense of wanting to be fully healed Several times in just one week, I had run across the scripture in James 5 which speaks about confessing your sins one to another so that you many be healed. Also, when I attended my brother’s church for his son’s baptism around that same time, the preacher actually taught on that very verse. So, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was speaking this to me.

I chose not to delay any longer. I had developed a physical heart condition since losing Isabella and I truly desired to be both emotionally and physically healed for the sake of my family. So, I went to Scott that very day and I opened up in a way I thought I never could. I had always been so thankful that anything I had confessed and repented of before God through the power of Jesus, would never have to be mentioned again. I was always very grateful that God promises to remove our transgressions as far as the east is from the west and remember them no more.  But now there was this sense of a deeper healing that I desired and that God desired for me; and the notion that opening up to Scott was something I ought to do. 

As a result, I chose to add to all the pain and all the tears of that time an even greater vulnerability which came through the confession of deep and even hidden things. But my other half, my precious loving Scott, proved to be just as I had thought and hoped he would be – gracious, forgiving, and loving. God has given me a wonderful husband who is quick to see himself as no better or no worse than me, but simply as a fellow sinner in need of God’s grace on this painful journey called life. 

But as night fell, I found myself feeling terribly vulnerable…I wanted to hide…to run…I felt completely alone and surrounded all at the same time. I waited until everyone was asleep and then I went downstairs, took the car keys and began to drive. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t even know what I wanted. It was pouring rain outside but I didn’t care. And as usual I left without a wallet. I just wanted all the pain to stop. I think I was really trying to get away from me and my own situation. I went a couple miles and pulled into an empty soccer field. I turned off the car and sat there crying for a long time. 

I finally cried out to God and asked, “Where are you Lord? I am hurting so badly. I lost my daughter. Now, I’ve laid my soul bare and I feel like I just want to die. What do you have to say to me?” Nothing came to my heart except the sight of the rain falling heavily upon my windshield. And then this one thought, which I believe came from God’s Spirit within me: That these rain drops I see are the tears of God which He cries for His people. I wasn’t even sure if it fits with my theology and I am not sure it fits now. But somehow it comforted me greatly. I remembered how in Genesis it says that at first the water flowed out from the inside of the earth. But that sometime after the fall of man the rain fell from the sky. Perhaps the rain is His tears; and perhaps it is not. But it also says that Jesus, who is fully God, wept when his friend died. And doesn’t the Word say that God takes pity on His children. At any rate, I accepted this notion as a comfort and I began to stare at the raindrops and my heart finally began to quiet a bit. I knew that I was not completely alone in my pain because whether the raindrops are His tears or not, the rain is His nevertheless and it was falling upon me. 

But even in this small comfort, I still I felt bare and greatly desired to be physically comforted and covered. Again, I called aloud to Him “Lord, where are you? I need you and I can not sense your presence, only your tears. You seem so far away.” And then, in my Spirit, I had such a strong sense that the Lord wanted me to return home and that He desired to comfort me and show up for me through my husband. I knew that if I stayed there any longer I would continue to be lonely, hurting, vulnerable, and in disobedience. So, I went straight home. 

When I opened my kitchen door there was Scott waiting up for me, worried about me. He didn’t scold me; he just took me in his arms and held me. And then he prayed for me. At that moment I finally realized the meaning of what the Lord had tried to show me a few years earlier. Which is: If I desire my husband to be my covering, I need to be willing to pull up those covers that lie waiting for my acceptance at the foot of my bed. I have left the covering of my husband lying there far too often, and his warmth and comfort were being wasted far too long. There have even been times that I have done something even worse than refusing to accept his comfort and covering: in my self-pity and pride, figuratively speaking, I have even kicked this covering to the floor of my life and then wondered why I feel so alone.

God has given me a man who is loving and righteous in Jesus Christ. I need his comfort and His prayers for they are affective and powerful. And I am thankful that God has chosen to show up for me through him. 

Since that time, I have felt greater freedom and more healed both emtionally and phsyically in so many ways. And whenever it rains, I now always try to stop and pray for those who are hurting and in need of the comfort of God’s tears and the loving covering of the brethren. 

Comments

[Melissa]

Kerry,
Thanks for your posts and for your honesty. I pray that God would continue to bring you comfort and peace through this time especially as you "share" your life to help and encourage others. As a fellow Christian, it is encouraging to know that we are not alone in our struggles. God is always with us, and He uses your words or my words to show others that other Christians are with us. Oh for all of us to be as vulnerable so that the world would know that we aren't perfect, we struggle and doubt, we question, we worry and fear, we are human too. Maybe the world could see that through us and therefore be drawn to Jesus.
Thank you for being vulnerable and available.

[Berna]

Kerry,

I have posted previously about a miscarriage I suffered about 11 years ago. I have two wonderful, healthy, lively children now, but that loss has left a scar that never seems to fade, let alone disappear. It seems to get easier and then bad - like waves crashing the shore. I find comfort in your words and I wanted to thank you for them.

[Jennifer]

Hi Kerry~

I have been praying for you and your family since finding your blog less than a couple months ago. I pray that God's loving presence will continue to strengthen you and His grace will sustain you. You have been an encouragement and blessing to me and am so thankful for that! I have a son, Kyler, in heaven with Jesus. He, too, was born into the arms of Jesus when I was 38 weeks pregnant. I had found out later that I have a clotting disorder called factor V leiden, so when I went into labor a blood clot formed in the placenta, therefore, Kyler basically fell asleep. That was 4 years ago this past March. I believe that only God, not time, heals and I also know that I won't be completely healed until I get to heaven. I will say that the days get better and I don't cry everyday anymore. When I read about Isabella, and when I hear about others who have been through a similar situation, I just cry and pray. I have a list of families, most I have never met (like you), who have lost babies or children, and I pray continually. I know that through these dark valleys, God is glorified and it's through those times He is molding us to be more like Him. If you'd like, you can read more of my family and me on our blog www.evansfamily97.blogspot.com
Thanks again for all that you and your husband are doing. Continue to run to Jesus and know that He's holding on to you. There are brighter days ahead...persevere in pressing on for that ultimate goal--Jesus Christ.
Much love & prayers,
Jennifer

[Christine Perin]

Thank you for the honesty. Your word picture of how we are to accept our husbands is wonderful. Thank you for the new way to look at it.

[Karen]

Kerry,

I appreciate you sharing your heart and letting us in to your life. Other hurting individuals that experienced your pain may find comfort and peace in reading your posts.

I cried as I read your posts as I can relate. I did something similar after loosing my child. Driving in a long rainy night. I looked for God to reveal Himself to me..His comfort and peace in my raw heart.

One early morning I suddenly woke up from a deep sleep. I was surprised to wake up from a deep sleep and wonder why since I'm normally a light sleeper. To my dismay, I was directed right away to look up to the window from my bed and there's a bright moon - then I heard His clear voice that said... "I will take care of you and your husband. Your child is safe with me. Everything is going to be alright. I am here for you - Be Still" I cannot even believe that I was hearing them and just looked at my husband in his deep sleep. And right away my very heavy heart was lifted up and I was overflowed with peace. I cried so hard to my disbelief that our God really cares for each us and on a personal level. He knew exactly where to meet me.

Up to this day, I share my sufferings with people and friends that went through the loss of a child.

Our Heavenly Father is so alive and His gospel is true. He will never waste our heartaches and pain.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed IN US." Romans 8:18

Malachi 3:3"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." God holds those He loves near the hottest flame, never losing sight of us, never losing hold of us. He does this like the silversmith, to refine us, purify us, to make us into His image.

With love and prayers.

[Amy]

Kerry,

Copied below is a post I put on Steven's website. I really hope you understand...your words comforted me so much, I hope they do the same for the others checking in on Steven and the boys tonight!

When the storms come it is God crying tears for his children...I read the following on Kerry Hasenbalg's website:

http://kerryhasenbalg.typepad.com/blog/

and thought it was so comforting I wanted to share it here for everyone. Kerry I hope you understand...

I finally cried out to God and asked, “Where are you Lord? I am hurting so badly. I lost my daughter. Now, I’ve laid my soul bare and I feel like I just want to die. What do you have to say to me?” Nothing came to my heart except the sight of the rain falling heavily upon my windshield. And then this one thought, which I believe came from God’s Spirit within me: That these rain drops I see are the tears of God which He cries for His people. I wasn’t even sure if it fits with my theology and I am not sure it fits now. But somehow it comforted me greatly. I remembered how in Genesis it says that at first the water flowed out from the inside of the earth. But that sometime after the fall of man the rain fell from the sky. Perhaps the rain is His tears; and perhaps it is not. But it also says that Jesus, who is fully God, wept when his friend died. And doesn’t the Word say that God takes pity on His children. At any rate, I accepted this notion as a comfort and I began to stare at the raindrops and my heart finally began to quiet a bit. I knew that I was not completely alone in my pain because whether the raindrops are His tears or not, the rain is His nevertheless and it was falling upon me. --Kerry Hasenbalg

I have been up since 2:00 Friday morning and still I cannot stop reading these posts. Thank you Jim for keeping us updated all night. Good night pray warriors! Amy

Posted by: Amy | July 11, 2008 at 10:44 PM

[charlotte]

i just happened to find this accidently but maybe not, My husband was sent to prison yesterdya leaving me with three small children. He has been deleivered of drugs among other things and this seems so unfair. When he was living in the world he never went to jail and all of this for missing a court date, after reading this I can say I stopped crying and I just sit in awe at how amazing God is and I know he has a plan even if I can't see it right now