The Wounded Tree

Jeremiah 8:21-22 "Since my people are crushed, I am crushed; I mourn, and horror grips me. Is there no balm in Gilead?  Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people?

"It seems that the tree in my yard is dying" my mother said to the hired gardener working in her neighbor's yard.  "And I was wondering if you wouldn't mind taking a look at it?" The gardener replied, I'd be happy to".

After looking at the tree, the gardener said, "Your tree is dying because of this cut which continues to bleed at its base. Because a branch was cut off at the tree's foundation and not sealed over properly the bleeding sap is keeping the nutrients from going up the tree's trunck and reaching the rest of the tree.  As a result one side of the tree where the cut was inflicted and not covered over has begun to die."

"Can it be saved?" my mother asked the gardener.  He told her to seal it over now and that perhaps it would be saved. 

Growing up I had heard many times that when tragedy strikes someone's life, that person will either become better or bitter. And I had seen this to be true in the lives of those around me.  But it was not until a foundational branch from my own family tree had been severed, that I ever really thought about the PROCESS of becoming better or bitter.

Very soon after my first miscarriage in 2005, I began to ponder questions like, "How long should the healing process take for something like this?"  And  "When does a person start to become either bitter or better from it."  And "How does one actually choose the "better" path over the "bitter" path." I even wondered if it is possible to not heal completely?" 

At that time, the potential to never heal completely became a real possibility in my mind.  I can remember standing on the edge of the "reality cliff" and looking into the "ravine of insanity" and thinking, "I could actually go there."  I realized then that nothing will cure self-righteous judgment like picturing yourself walking in someone else's shoes.  Or in this case falling off the cliff in their shoes.

Then in December of 2007, I received a phone call from a dear friend telling me that she had just suffered the miscarriage of her baby.  Towards the end of that phone conversation, I can remember saying someting to the effect of "Even though you can not imagine it now, if you seek the Lord, you will eventually heal.  There will always be a scar, but the wounds do heal."  As I hung up the phone, I realized for the first time that I had indeed been healed from my own miscarriage.  The scar was still there on my heart, but the bleeding wound had been sealed over.  And it was my looking upon this scar and the very real and painful memories which it invoked that gave me the empathy and sincere tears now flowing for my suffering friend.  There was no longer a bleeding cut; and I was not even looking at a scabbed over wound.  Rather, the scar which now remained, was a reminder not only of past pain but also the work of the Great Healer.  At that, I stopped and praised the Lord. He really had healed my broken heart.

But it was only two weeks later, in January 2008, that I gave birth to my daughter, Isabella Grace, stillborn.  This time a branch which was even larger and closer to the foundation of the tree that is me had been completely severed.  I imagined that this cut could also be a mortal wound to parts of my soul.  This time as I looked into that ravine of insanity, I no longer wondered if I could go there, but in a way, I actually desired it.  It was as if going there might be my only option for salvaging any of the tree that is me.  The Lord quickly reminded me that there are others attached to this same tree that I saw as only being made up of me.  There were other branches to my tree..other parts which would be harmed if I chose a wrong way:  my parents, siblings, children... and a husband. 

I can vividly remember, while laboring to deliver Isabella, the very same words I had spoken two weeks earlier to my suffering friend.  It was as if God, Himself, was reminding me of what He had just showed me of His character and the path I must again now choose to believe in faith...  "Even though you can not imagine it now, if you seek the Lord, you will eventually heal.  There will always be a scar, but the wounds do heal."   

In the weeks which followed, I was contacted by a number of people who had suffered in similar ways to Scott and me.  And it was curious to me to find how very differently each of these Christian people had faired.  Some had become quite whole and healed; while others were still terribly broken, even years after their losses. And there were still others whose lives were admittedly even more broken now than they were just after the tragedy's occurance.

So, what was the secret to healing, I wondered.  Did it have to do with the length of the mourning process or the way a person went through it? Is it something God alone decides or do we play a significant roll in it?  I even remember searching the scriptures to see if God had given the Israelites some designated amount of time that it is healthy to grieve over the death of a child.  I did not find a specific answer that seemed satisfactory.  So, I simply asked God to guide me and show me His specific process and timing which would be healthy for me and for my family. 

One day, my husband said that we must keep in mind how when a bone is broken it immediately begins to heal.  I thought that was very interesting because even though it might be true according to the natural laws of the human body, it was clearly not so automatic when it came to the human soul and its emotions.  I could see the proof of this by talking with and observing the lives of these other people who I knew had suffered.  But I did understand from Scott's words about the broken bone, that God had given us such laws in nature to serve as examples of how He intends the process of healing to be for our hearts as well.

Less than two months after Isabella went to be with Jesus, Scott and I attended a funeral for Scott's college golf coach, Doug Shepperd.  During the funeral, we sang the song, "In the Garden", which has that familiar chorus, "And He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own.  And when I read the first verse, which begins, "I went to the garden alone," I realized that even if other people were suffering with me, I alone must choose to go and commune with Jesus who was bidding me to come to Him. 

But then what struck me even more profoundly was the words of the third verse, which read, "I'd stay in the garden with Him'Tho the night around me be falling, But He bids me go; through the voice of woe,His voice to me is calling." 

As I was singing the words, "But He bids me go," I realized that they were now God's words directly to my heart. I also understood that I could choose to stay in this same place.  But I knew my staying would be a refusal of His leading, of His presence, and of His continued healing balm being applied to my heart. Some might say that making such a choice is really a denial of the mourning process.  But I believe that the mourning process is God's process.  He tells us in His Word that, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."  Mourning does truly come in waves..very intensely at first and then less and less as time goes on.  But what I began to find is that a new path was being revealed - the path of self-pity rather than true mourning, the path of human control rather than God control.  A path of fear rather than faith.  The choice to stay would not have been a choice to continue to mourn in a godly way, but rather a choice to refuse God's leading and sit there TRULY alone in self-pity, control, and fear.  It would have been the beginning of choosing bitterness over betterment. 

There is great grace and comfort in godly mourning.  But there is only loneliness and more pain in willful disobedience. All this is not to say that I have not continued to mourn at times.  I have.  The waves of pain have washed over me many, many times since and God's grace and comfort were always there!  But what I am saying is that God chose to gently guide me back out of the "garden" where I communed alone so that I could see that I am not meant to always be so alone.   He revealed to me that a part of my healing is understanding that so many others around me are also suffering, and some suffer even far worse. He wanted me to look at my wounds in the light of Him and see that healing had in fact begun and woud continue if I chose to follow His path.  He had already ministered to me that my daughters are not in the grave and that I must fight to keep my mind on things of the living - those who are here to love now and that which is in heaven.

I had been down the path of willfull disobedience before and on such a trail there is far too little grace and far too much anxiety about the future.  I understood that those who travel down this path say things in their hearts like, "No one knows or understands my pain," or "Why trust God now if he wasn't there for me then?" or worse, "Only I can make this better." Taking such a wrong path begins to hurt other people.  They say, "Hurt people hurt other people."  My other children needed their mommy, a whole mommy who was really present.  My husband needed his wife, a loving and patient wife. I have seen those who have been profoundly hurt and have chosen to continue too long down the path of self-pity.  In in these cases many start acting like dogs who have been beaten and become mad and who now attack anyone who comes too close.  Such vicious self-protection, in reality, very often begins with a refusal to trust the Master's leading and a choice to take matters of the future into their own hands.

For me, having already been personally aquainted with traveling such a wrong path, I had already experienced how part of the living tree that is me and my family can begin to wither up and die.  Giving into fear too often after my daughter's death had already begun to manifest itself physically, giving me a heart condition and an anxiety disorder.  It had already begun to change my plans for the future and plans for trusting God with any future children.  I desired to control my own life rather than take the "risk" of continuing to truly trust God in the days to come.

Choosing self-pity, control and fear was refusing the application of the balm of God for the continued healing of my wounds.  It was an active picking the scab on the wounds of my heart...keeping me bleeding and the nutrients of God's grace from reaching all of the tree that is me and my own branches who are those entrusted to me.  For the sake of my heart, my future, and the lives of those whom I love, I realized that I must choose to go wherever God is leading me.  For a time, He ordains that we walk with Him and talk wtih Him in the garden alone, and other times He ordains that we meet Him on the outside and find Him in and through the lives of others.  As we abide in His love for the sake of others who might need the shade of the tree that is us, we shall find that our continue healing is to be found there.  And even when we are not paying any attention to it, it is taking place nevertheless.

I would rather be out of the garden with the Great Gardener, then in the garden, without Him - and left starring at a festering, bleeding wound and without any balm to heal it.  Even among all the hectic things which have taken place outside of the garden, I have been strengthened by His continued presence as He still continues to walk with me and talk with me and tells me I am His own.

After having taken the path of self-pity, control, and fear for a bit of time myself and ended up feeling far too alone, I have realized it is never to late to go to God with my own pitiful condition and ask,"Can this tree that is me be saved?" For in such a humble and needy state we can hear God, who is the Great Physician, say through the prophet Jeremiah these rhetorical words of hope, "Is there no balm in Gilead?  Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people?"  God is worthy of our trust, and we should not fear allowing Him to have His way with our lives.  He is willing and able to protect us wherever He leads us.  And if we follow His path, He  will continue to apply heavenly balm from His loving hand which will heal us perfectly in His time.

 

Comments

[Sarah]

So beautifully said! Thank you for that. I needed to hear it...

[Craig in Cow Hampshire]

"There is great grace and comfort in godly mourning. But there is only loneliness and more pain in willful disobedience."

I can attest to that. Thank you for sharing.

Your friend Kevis is coming to town in October, looking forward to that, as I look forward to your posts. Please keep me and my wife in prayer for a family, adopted or biological.

[Melissa]

Dear Kerry, as I read through your blog, the tears began to flow. I am so grateful for your writings. You speak so beautifully and it is very clear that your relationship with God is not just words but very intimate. Blessings upon you and your family. Melissa

[Corie O'Brien]

Kerry, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your incredible words. The were so providental in my day today. Since losing my son Larson in Januray 2008, my healing process has been much more difficult than I thought it would be. The wound just keeps feeling so fresh and I wonder "how do I do all of this?" I continue to pray for guidance, peace and fear to be taken away. Although there is no way to mourn, I do know that at times it can hurt our intimacy with the Lord, rather then strengthen it. Choosing everyday to trust, is a hard decision but the right one. My heart is just so thankful for your posts.

[Deb]

Hey Kerry, what Scott reminded you about bone healing got me to thinking. I think the process of bone healing (a process created by God!) is an indication of healing in other parts of ourselves.

When we break a bone, it does start healing right away. But it has three stages to go through:

The reactive phase, during which the body is responding to the fracture with an inflammatory response. And it is a good thing it does, because the fracture site becomes necrotic. It needs the increased blood flow of the inflammatory response to start the process for the next phase

The reparative phase is when the bone re-builds itself. It’s actually a process of cell proliferation that the body activates. The fracture site becomes a growth site, with more than enough new bone (called the callous) being laid down. It is as if the body overshoots while forming the callous, so the fracture site (on x ray) looks out of proportion to the rest of the bone.

In the remodeling phase, that callous is slowly absorbed so that when healed, the bone looks approximately like it did before the fracture. While the fracture site is always evident on x-ray,
the bone is strong enough to function like it did before.

My husband and I pursued treatment of infertility. That included surgery for me and the use of some medication. In our 11th year of marriage, a month after the doctor told us to stop trying to get pregnant and consider adoption, we got pregnant. For six glorious weeks, we marveled at the reality that our baby was growing in me. While the doctor wasn’t happy with the rate at which some blood hormones were rising, we lived in a world of wonder. When those hormones dropped and we were told that the pregnancy was over, we began a mourning process that was interrupted one week later when the levels started going up. Apparently what happened was our pregnancy was a tubal one, which ruptured the tube and allowed our baby to attach to the outside of my uterus. I had to go into surgery, knowing full well that what had been the only pregnancy we ever had was about to be removed from me. We were both so broken, so ravaged with the pain of losing our baby.

That was 15 years ago. Back then, I couldn’t have imagined healing to the point I have. Looking back, I can see I went through a reactive phase, a reparative stage until He remodeled my heart to what it looks like today. While going through some of the more acute parts of the healing, time seemed to come to a standstill and sleep was a place I craved to be so I didn’t have to feel the agony in my heart.

But He is faithful and true, a Great Physician without doubt. While it isn’t always easy to get to the doctor when we are disabled with pain or illness, it is where we need to go. So it is when our hearts are crushed by loss: it is only by spending time with Him that we will begin to be aware that we are healing.

My pray for you, for the Chapmans, for the people who have commented here on your blog about their losses; all of us Walking Wounded people, rely on the healing process He has created. We need to remind ourselves that we don’t have to live in the reactive phase forever, and that someday, He will not only repair, but remodel us.

[Debbie from Ohio]

What remarkable lessons you have learned even though it's been through tragedy. May God give you continued strength and healing.

[Stacey Clark]

Hi Kerry,
Thank you again for every word that you type. I believe that every trial that you have been through has allowed you to pass on such wisdom to others. Particularly those of us who read your daily blog. I am a ministers wife and will be celebrating 15 wonderful years with my husband, my best friend, my soul mate. We adopted Steven's song, "The Great Adventure" when we first started dating because we both knew that God had called us to path great adventures and what adventures we have had. Sometimes I believe that the ministry falls prey to a lie from the enemy stating that it is not proper to grieve because by no means do we want others to see us weak. This lie seems almost too crazy to believe however I find myself realizing that after all of these years time after time I pushed my grief to the side so that I could help others. In doing this I find myself reading your blogs and wanting to run to the mountains and let the flood waters flow through my tears and grief. I have wondered how in the world the Lord could help me heal when I have never dealt with the grief that I have experienced over the past 15 years. Is it too late Lord, will people think that I am crazy grieving over something that happened so long ago? So I desire your prayers more than ever that the Lord will help me move forward to continue this great adventure, but I feel in my spirit that He will not allow me to go forward until I first go back! My spirit is overwhelmed with His presence! Thank you for sharing your heart so that my heart may be truly healed!

[Laura]

Praising God today for His strength and peace that He's given you. He has also allowed my husband and I to grieve and (I pray) be a witness for Christ as He has brought us through the loss of our son. Continue sharing your story of the comfort He has given you.

[Susie]

Kerry, I came to this site at my cousin's recommendation. You see, my daughter Christi Lee Martin went home to Jesus July 10. She was a beautiful young lady of 30; both inside and out. She lived her life as I think most would like to. She had a tremendous faith. The words I have been reading today have helped me so much, to get through this wave of grief that has hit me. I know Christi is at peace and happy. I know she is not hurting anymore. Thank you again for your words of encouragement. You never know whose lives you will touch. Thank you.

[Steve Cragg]

Hi Kerry,

Thank you so much for this post!

Before and between three wonderful children, my wife suffered three horrible miscarriages. So, as I read this post, I found myself drifting back to those days, only to rebound from those memories to marvel in how good God was during those times, all the way up to now.

Our church family has recently suffered a setback as well. One of the church's founding members, Mr. Jim Lancaster, was involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. Jim is 62 years old, a graphic artist, and a musician; in fact, he taught me much about leading worship when I came to the church. As a result of the crash, Jim is paralyzed from mid chest down, and has no movement or feeling in his arms or legs...

We are praying for Jim to walk out of that hospital, but I also know that God will use him to minister to others in this current condition he finds himself..

With our God, healing does begin immediately, not only for those directly affected by injury or tragedy, but also for those that walk through it with the afflicted...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I have met your husband in the past (as Kim and I are dear friends with the Denton and Sheriff family) and hope I will have the honor of meeting you someday!

Please keep hearing and writing from the Lord!

[Racheal]

I have not fully processed what I have read here today yet, but I already feel it working deep within me. I love the Lord and have a relationship with Him, but I have not been trusting him. I have been trying to protect myself and acting out at others around me.

Lately, I have had the desire on my heart to dance even though I physically and mentally have not felt that I could right now. When reading a couple of your other posts the other night, you reminded me of the verse that speaks of 'turning mourning into dancing'. I had forgotten it even though I know a great worship song that incorporates that scripture into it. It was one of those "ah-ha" moments when I knew without a doubt that God was placing that desire on my heart for a reason and then using your blog to speak to me.

Thank you for being willing to be used by God as an instrument to His will, even while you suffer pain yourself.

[Patti from D-ville]

I've had your site for awhile and couldn't sleep tonight so I decided to check it out. The Lord brought me to you, Kerry. I've never felt anything so strongly. Thank you for sharing your pain and helping so many people. I hope to speak with you soon.

[Kim in Seattle]

Dear Kerry,

I've been keeping up with the Chapmans' through Jim Houser's blog. He had a link to your blog today, and I read through quite a bit of the last few months. I wept as you described all that has gone on in the last months with both your loss of Isabella and of the loss of Maria.

We have miscarried once and had an ectopic pregnancy this last December. Our little three year old boy's prayers and hugs were a tremendous part of my healing process. Thank you for the reminder that we choose our path of healing. And no matter what moment we are in or path we have chosen that day, God ultimately remains faithful.

Thank you for being vulnerable, and thank you especially for sharing the words of wisdom from Cole and from some of the other children. Those are probably my favorites. :-)

Sincerely,
Kim

[Molly]

Hi Kerry. A friend told me about your blog and I just wanted to say hello. I also lost a full-term baby girl to stillbirth in Sept 2007. I have been blogging about our journey if you're ever interested in reading it. I pray God meets you as you grieve Isabella. Our little girl was named Felicity.

[Stacy Featherston]

Hello Kerry,
I came across your blog from Jim's blog...I have been keeping up with and praying for the Chapman's since the loss of Maria. Thank you so very much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. While my huband and I have not lost a child, we do have a daughter with cerebral palsy. She is one of my twins and they are now almost 18...and the Lord has blessed us so through her. At the time when she was born (12 weeks prematurely), I thought that there was no way I could ever be happy again..it was the death of a dream for my little girl. But, the Lord has been so faithful and has used her to teach us as a family some powerful lessons. Thank you again for your blog and how it ministers to each of us..I really needed the SELF PITY entry that you wrote back in May..it is so easy to fall into that pit. Or as Beth Moore says..to just jump over in it.
Thanks again,
Stacy Featherston

[Clare (UK)]

I came across your blog by "accident", though having now read it I feel it was maybe a "God" created "accident". I go to a church where one of our friends used to go to (before him and his family moved to Atlanta last month) and he told us of a song he'd co-written for a woman who'd lost her baby. I now realise it's you. I was deeply moved at the time and we've been praying for you and your family. I've had 7 miscarriages in the past 3 years and only my husband knows. I had never told anyone till i began reading your posts, I realised that not only do I need to grieve, but I need to share my pain with the people around me who care and who i know will support us. Rather than push it all down and pretend like it never happened. My husband and I still prayerfully hope that one day we will have children of our own. But till that time, I will keep praying and trusting God. It's not easy - but reading your posts makes me think I can hang in there. Thank you for faithfully & honestly writing - i'm sure God's using you in ways you don't even know about.

[Jolynn]

WOW! Kerry you have such a gift of insight - and you're using it to give God only the glory! How proud He must be of you! I also just found out that we may have a chance to meet. I believe you're scheduled to speak in Grandville, MI in Nov. Me and my husband and our adoption committee from church are planning on being there as well, in fact one of our members will also be speaking that night! I don't really understand what God has working here, but I believe He is working about us getting a chance to meet - and for that I am truly excited. Thank you for getting me information about Jo's bracelet business. I currently now, too, wear a "Heaven bracelet" every day in memory of our Seth. Thank you so much for "hooking us up"!! Hope to see you in Nov.....
Jolynn Van Wienen
Hudsonville, MI

[Sarah]

I found your site through a blog friend who met you in Virginia at a Starbucks.
Thank you for sharing your story. I posted today about my loss that happened a year ago. Your word are true and resonate with me. Thank you for being vulnerable and willing to share your life with so many.

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