Today was a very strange day. My husband Scott left early this morning to fly to LA with the Chapmans and Jim Houser for the Larry King interview. My children, Cole and Maya, spent the day playing and swimming with Shaohannah and Stevey Joy Chapman here in Nashville. This evening, I found myself sitting together with three Shaohannah's Hope staff members and watching the Chapman family (our dear friends and colleagues) share their deepest pains and their greatest hopes with all of America on public TV. Tears flowed freely among us all. But the strangest thing about today for me is that I woke up with one thought and it has remained with me throughout all the events of this day....we all just really miss Maria being present. We miss her smile and her laughter.
She loved to swim. She loved to eat. She would have loved the Chinese buffet. She would have loved playing with her sisters and Cole today. Maria used to love following Cole around and he so loved having such a sweet little fan laugh at all his jokes. She would love to have watched her whole family on TV. She would have loved watching Kung Fun Panda this afternoon with her sisters and her friends. Maria, we just plain miss you being here with us.
The brokenness of this world can so clearly be seen when parents outlive their own children. Things just aren't as they are supposed to be. We trust, we believe, we are confident and we hope in God for all grace and strength and comfort. That in His perfect time, God shall make all the crooked paths straight and redeem and heal all that is wrong and broken. For now, we do know that Maria is safe in the arms of Jesus! And that in the meantime our heavenly Father shall enjoy her contagious laughter and her sweet smile. But so many really do desperately miss her here- most of all her family!
Maranatha!
I can only imagine...God bless and comfort all of you
Posted by: Debbie from Ohio | August 08, 2008 at 12:35 AM
Ker,
So glad you were there with the kids tonight--and thanks for always sharing your heart. God was glorified, wasn't he?
Natalie G
Posted by: Natalie G | August 08, 2008 at 12:40 AM
I didn't even know little Maria personally, but feel like we know this entire family, and therefore, feel some small part of their loss. Tonight was hard to watch, but I was so proud of this family, and so honored to get to have just a glimpse of their private lives, and see how they continue to be real, yet also continue to step out on faith and trust God to carry them through. They certainly continue to glorify God through their pain. I'm so thankful for them, for friends like you, Scott, Jim, and so many others that have each other to encourage and love on each other. God bless you all. I know you all continue to bless me and my family by your daily testimonies. Thank you!
Posted by: Carol~Arkansas | August 08, 2008 at 12:50 AM
very cool stuff. definitely interesting days for all of them and you that are so close to them. they are an amazing family and it is so rad to watch them allow the Lord to use them this quickly in the journey.
kudos to you too, the unsung heroes of the group are the ones that rally them on to be available to be a voice to the world. much love to you all.
Brian Wurzell
http://brianwurzell.wordpress.com/2008/08/07/steven-curtis-chapman-on-larry-king-live/
Posted by: Brian Wurzell | August 08, 2008 at 12:56 AM
very cool stuff. definitely interesting days for all of them and you that are so close to them. they are an amazing family and it is so rad to watch them allow the Lord to use them this quickly in the journey.
kudos to you too, the unsung heroes of the group are the ones that rally them on to be available to be a voice to the world. much love to you all.
Brian Wurzell
http://brianwurzell.wordpress.com/2008/08/07/steven-curtis-chapman-on-larry-king-live/
Posted by: Brian Wurzell | August 08, 2008 at 12:57 AM
How precious the Chapmans were tonight on TV...very real..still so emersed in the Holy Spirit bubble of protection as they go minute by minute. I'm sure Larry King could not understand such peace, but we all pray he too will receive the Love of God into his own heart. We continue to pray for all you and Will, we are so very proud of you..keep your head up, your eyes focused on Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith! love and prayers The Brewers
Posted by: Sherry & Ed | August 08, 2008 at 01:36 AM
I came across your blog a few weeks ago as I visited the Chapman's blog. I appreciate your transparent nature and faith in God.
The Chapmans did amazingly well on the two interviews. God was glorified and I know that lives were touched by their story and illustration of faith and hope.
Michelle
Posted by: Michelle | August 08, 2008 at 02:25 AM
Kerry,
I know what you mean about missing Maria Sue. I was thinking about that as I watched Larry King tonight. How God is getting the glory and is using this in so many lives. But when the pictures and videos flashed across the screen, I thought about how Maria is still gone and they miss her so much. I've been missing Ellie a lot these days - in just the same way. Some days are busy and go by quickly or have fun things planned that sort of distract me from thinking fully about her. But on other days, there's just this ache. Or a sudden sharp pang that takes my breath away when it hits me with full force that she's not coming back. I can completely picture your day... I'm sorry.
I was truly blessed by the Larry King show. The Chapmans were just so real. I so identified with everything they said. It felt as if they were sharing this personal journey for all the world to see. But that it really wasn't just their own personal journey... they were able to speak for all of us who haved lived through the loss of a child, while still clinging to our Savior.
I shared this on Jim Houser's blog, but I really wanted to tell you as well. The part that most touched me on a personal level was when Emily shared that Maria Sue was buried in her Chinese dress. We had Ellie cremated in a little Chinese robe that my step-sister, Jenn brought back from China when they adopted their little Emma. Jenn also brought her other two girls robes that matched Ellie's. I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to dress Ellie in her robe for cremation, but I had been planning it from the moment that I knew she was going to die. The night Ellie died, I called Jenn to tell her that it was over, and told her that I dressed Ellie in the robe. I thought that it would be special for her to know. Jenn then drove home (she had been at work) to find her older daughters sound asleep... wearing their Chinese robes. When she questioned her husband about it, he said that after their baths, the girls put on those robes (that had been neglected in a corner for months) and refused to take them off. So he let them sleep in the robes. Neither he nor the girls knew that Ellie had died that same night. (They were in Florida, and we were in Montana.) Just hearing that one little detail from Emily about the dress, touched my heart. Just like my connection to you through Ellie's name. I know that I don't know the Chapmans at all, nor do I know you. But I love how God connects believers in such personal and special ways.
Posted by: Sarah | August 08, 2008 at 04:19 AM
I got through reading all the comments on Jim's blog without crying - quite a feat, and then I read your and the tears are flowing down my face as I type. I will be praying for your family, Kerry, too and the Chapman gang (family and friends). In the midst of everything, how hard it is to still just want Maria to be back to laugh, to play, to be the joyful little girl I have learned (and seen through Steven and the family's blogs) that she was..and now is...as she's in the arms of Jesus. Praying for His peace and comfort to be yours today
Posted by: Jessica | August 08, 2008 at 08:37 AM
I got through reading all the comments on Jim's blog without crying - quite a feat, and then I read your and the tears are flowing down my face as I type. I will be praying for your family, Kerry, too and the Chapman gang (family and friends). In the midst of everything, how hard it is to still just want Maria to be back to laugh, to play, to be the joyful little girl I have learned (and seen through Steven and the family's blogs) that she was..and now is...as she's in the arms of Jesus. Praying for His peace and comfort to be yours today
Posted by: Jessica | August 08, 2008 at 08:38 AM
....didnt know till the LK interview that ya'll called her,"Ria".....or that one of the first bread crumbs left behind was her flower picture w/the 6petals, the one colored in, with the "SEE"...to assist in guiding....the tatoos.....Maria's family did great! Rest and peace to you all. Maranatha!
Posted by: kathy naylor | August 08, 2008 at 09:47 AM
I understand your feelings all too well. I was thinking of how long a journey it has been for me to begin to realize that my own little girl in Heaven isn't missing a thing here on earth- just as with Maria. WE are the ones left missing and grieving and hurting and dreaming about life and potential that seems to be gone and left unfulfilled in light of their deaths.
But God has healed them and they are fully realized in His presence. Our grief and brokenness is ours alone to bear- it hurts and I STILL miss my daughter so much after 7 years. You and the Chapmans will miss Maria's presence for years too.
Thankfully God gives grace and comfort and we are filled with peace and Hope that their souls are glorifying God for all eternity.
I scrapped a page about my daughter Teagan with the words, "I will dance with you again, someday". I have been hearing similar things from the Chapmans...it's this kind of stuff that makes my heart race and feel it is so worth the pain and grief I feel daily. To know that we will be together with our Savior and praise Him for all eternity with our loved ones just seems to be such a reward for these moments of missing and aching.
But I do understand the ache.
And I continue to pray for everyone touched so closely by Maria's death. I pray for those who are being touched by the sorrow and grief she has left behind- but more importantly for the Hope that comes in knowing that God is sovereign over all! Love and prayers to you...
Posted by: Jody Ferlaak | August 08, 2008 at 10:55 AM
That gaping hole that is in your heart is really tough, isn't it? Twelve and a half years later, sometimes I still look in the rear view mirror of our van and wonder what life would be like if I saw three faces, like there should be.
Every spring at the mall, one of the department stores has a display of a family in their Easter outfits. A mom, dad, a little boy in a suit... just how it should be at our house. I suppose that makes our anticipation of heaven all the more sweet- that gaping hole will be filled!
I can't even fathom how someone who doesn't have hope in Jesus Christ can even go on after losing a child.
Posted by: Janele | August 08, 2008 at 12:04 PM
Praying for all of you!
Posted by: Tammy | August 08, 2008 at 12:49 PM
Of, yes to have that gaping hole filled! I have recently wondered if perhaps those in this 'gaping' community feel so much for this family because we're all believers thrust into loss. That is, knowing that we couldn't possibly survive on our own, God spreads the pain through out his body of believers so that those in the very center of immediate crisis can get through the night. Don't know if that makes sense, but I know that those who have been through it can't help but grieve along side their brothers and sisters suffering. And it's a very real empathetic grief.
Those anniversary dates (birthday, passing date, gotcha day, referral day, etc) are to be remembered! Take those special days off to do anything and everything crazy and reflective.
Hugs
Posted by: Denise | August 08, 2008 at 04:34 PM
God was truly glorified in their interview! (I did keep wishing LK would let them finish their sentences). They all looked so great...well...healthy. Praise God.
Darlee
Posted by: Darlee | August 08, 2008 at 10:58 PM
As I watched the interview I thought what an amazing family...then I thought What an amazing God we serve. He was glorified beyond my greatest hopes and prayers during that hour. At times my heart broke for each person as they answered Larry's questions and at times I felt like my heart would burst out of my chest as they answered difficult questions with His word and an unquestionable faith. Praise God! Continuing to pray for the Chapmans and all of you that are so dear to them.
Posted by: crystal blume | August 09, 2008 at 10:11 PM
Kerry,
Thank you again for sharing. Both interviews were precious to our family and they were so real. As someone who has lost a child with another child feeling responsible I know just how real the Chapman's were in their interviews. I will continue to pray for this family. As for missing Maria...no matter how much faith I have in where my Connor is...he is still not here. Like Mary Beth I know Connor's death has touched many people but my mother's heart just wants him back.
Posted by: Lee Ann | August 10, 2008 at 12:06 AM
Kerry...It was such a blessing to hear from the Chapmans on both Larry King and GMA! God was lifted up and glorified by their strength. How touching are your words, and how raw the feelings of still missing that sweet child, Maria. The only comfort we all have is that she rests in the arms of Jesus!
This is not the best time but...
Stop by and visit with me soon... there will be something special waiting for you. It's in Tuesday the 12th of August post!
I so enjoy your personable blog & story!
Still Sharing the Love & Friendship!
Posted by: Peggy | August 13, 2008 at 08:59 PM
Kerry...It was such a blessing to hear from the Chapmans on both Larry King and GMA! God was lifted up and glorified by their strength. How touching are your words, and how raw the feelings of still missing that sweet child, Maria. The only comfort we all have is that she rests in the arms of Jesus!
This is not the best time but...
Stop by and visit with me soon... there will be something special waiting for you. It's in Tuesday the 12th of August post!
I so enjoy your personable blog & story!
Still Sharing the Love & Friendship!
Posted by: Peggy | August 13, 2008 at 09:00 PM