Although we knew before delivery that our baby would be stillborn, we did not know whether the baby would be a boy or a girl. When she came forth the doctor told us that the baby was in fact a little girl.
We had two names we loved for a little boy, but couldn't settle on a name either of us really wanted for a little girl. We had thrown around the name Isabella, among others but never seemed to agree. As soon as I held her, I sensed as though the Lord were whispering in my ear, "beauty for ashes." It was followed by a comforting notion which I knew was directly from Him as well: that although I was holding only my little girl's lifeless body which was soon to return to the ground as ashes, her soul was now perfectly healed, beautiful and safe with Him. I also sensed a very gentle and loving challenge from the Lord that if Scott and I would continually turn over our ashes of pain and sadness to Him, then He would continue to heal us and also to write something beautiful upon our souls as a result." And in some strange way I knew even then that continually turning to Jesus was the way I could honor my little girl's life most properly.
Scott and I had given our other children scriptural blessings at each of their births and so we purposed to do the same for her. We named her Isabella Grace - or "Bella" Grace which means Beauty in the presence of God; and we gave her the blessing found in Isaiah 61:1-3; “Beauty for Ashes.”
After a few weeks had passed I began really struggling with the idea of how I could really honor Isabella’s life and keep her memory alive. I knew that the continual replaying in my mind of the circumstances surrounding her death was beginning to harm my heart and delay my healing. I also knew that the Lord was calling me to "let go" and continue to live and love well those around me. The problem that I was facing was that I felt that if I "let go" of the pain, I would be dishonoring her because the pain in my heart was all I left of her.
So, I cried out to the Lord asking Him how I could obey Him and honor her at the same time. And then He showed me so clearly that what I do to honor God honors Isabella because she is now One with Him. Just as the Bride and the Husband are one, my little Isabella is now a member of the Bride of Christ. She no longer needs my attention; but my other children and my husband desperately did...and they needed me to be a healthy caregiver - physically, mentally, and emotionally.
If you have read my blog in the past, you have probably heard this before from me; but the reason I am writing it again is because it is perhaps the greatest lesson God has shown me through this sorrow of losing my daughter.
It is amazing to me to know now by experience the human tendency to want to stop living after losing a child. How I wanted to take her things and lift them up as if they are now more than just things. I remember not wanting my other kids to get into Isabella's crib or cradle. That is until the Lord gently spoke to my soul reminding me that "things are for the living; those who are with Him no longer need them.” I knew it was a warning to steer clear of idolatry...not to make an idol of her things, or her memory. But I also sensed a permission from him to simply be sad. Because I believe God too was terribly sad. He hated death so much for us that He was willing to die Himself in order to conquer the second death for those He loved.
On this very morning, the day we are commemorating the one year anniversary of the death of our baby Isabella, I woke up saying in my mind, "idolatry is not love, obedience is love." And I sensed this was so because I believe the Lord wanted to remind me that the way I can honor Isabella's life properly was to simply continue to obey by loving those entrusted to me - to love through patience, to love through acts of kindness, to love through forgiveness. Idolatry is when we do things to lift up someone or something over God, and when we do we are actually unable to really love God and those He has entrusted to us. So, in honor of Isabella, I have chosen to spend my time while Scott is working, by doing those same things I do most days to love and meeting the needs of my children and husband. I have straightened the house, made the beds, gave the kids baths, brushed their teeth and got them dressed, juiced carrot/apple juice for all of us, did the dishes, changed the laundry, and now I'm heading to teach Cole his home school lesson.
And believe it or not, I have immeasurable peace in my heart so far this day. And I believe it is because of two things, the grace I am receiving in loving obedience and because of the prayers of the saints who are holding us up. So, thank you for praying for us today. My hope for all of you is that you will allow Him to make something beautiful out of the ashes you give to Him and that your healing will come as you obey Him by loving those entrusted to you.
Thank You, Jesus, for answering prayer.
Thank you, Kerry, for your words.
Posted by: cindi m. | January 07, 2009 at 12:27 PM
What an amazing lesson. God is good and has blessed you with an incredible gift of peace and wisdom. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Shane | January 07, 2009 at 12:44 PM
Kerry, I wonder if you have ever gone through a time of blaming God for any of the struggles in your life?
Posted by: Shane | January 07, 2009 at 12:45 PM
So amazing to see your obedience to God, I can't imagine how hard it is to walk the walk you are walking. When I read this it reminded me of 1 Timothy 6:6
"But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment."
I know Obedience is costly but I see the great gain it has brought you.
Praying for you today!
Posted by: Julie in CA | January 07, 2009 at 02:05 PM
Thank you for sharing how you named your sweet baby, Isabella! She continues to brigthen many lives in such a beautiful way.
Continued prayers for you and your precious family, today. Never far from my mind or heart, that is the gift of our Father and your Isabella. In praying today, I just knew God already would cover you in His love. Thanking Him for prayers answered.
Posted by: Diane | January 07, 2009 at 03:18 PM
Thinking of all of you today, Kerry. We miss you!
Posted by: Sarah | January 07, 2009 at 03:34 PM
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed (by grief, by life struggles, by anything) for his compassions never fail. The are new every morning; (even on mornings like this anniversary day); great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23
Thank you for your transparency. May God bless you Greatly!
Susan
Posted by: Susan | January 07, 2009 at 04:08 PM
Praying for your day to continue peacefully in Him. God bless and keep you...and if you need to cry, well that's ok too!
Posted by: Kimberly | January 07, 2009 at 04:52 PM
Ive been thinking of you all and praying for you also. May God bless you.
Posted by: Jelani | January 07, 2009 at 07:53 PM
i love you and i am so proud of you!
Posted by: jennador | January 07, 2009 at 09:47 PM
I just want you to know I have prayed for you and your family today.
I have a daughter, Isabella, who was born just a few days before the first anniversary of a tragic incident that claimed one of my daughter's lives back in 2001. It was so hard to hold a new baby and grieve the loss of another and try to surrender it all to God. But I too believe, that God is at work and using all of these circumstances for His glory.
I have given Him my pain and grief and questions and He has poured out blessings in my life in return.
I would not choose the path I have had to take in life, but at the same time there is no other place I would rather be.
I hope that God will continue to bless your life as you choose to honor Him- even when it doesn't make sense in our human hearts and minds.
Love, prayers and care for you on this bittersweet day.
Posted by: Jody Ferlaak | January 07, 2009 at 11:14 PM
Thank you so much for being willing to share your thoughts and feelings about this difficult time. Praise the Lord for His never-ending mercy and love as He carries us through and gently reminds us of His perspective.
Posted by: Mrs. H | January 08, 2009 at 11:41 PM
((((Kerry & Scott)))) May the Good Lord be in Soul's always & bring much peace, joy & love as the days move into months, years Isablella is with God our King!
Thank You ever so much for the words you share, "what I do to honor God honors Isabella because she is now One with Him." It give me calmness when thinking of my Dad who died in 2000.
Neat new picture of Scott & Maya! :) You do wonderful photography!
God Bless,
~Joni
Posted by: Sweet Joni | January 12, 2009 at 05:24 AM
Thanks for your blog. I lost my son who was 4 months old in a car accident in May of 2008.I have his things in storage and the thought of giving those things away makes me sad.But things are for the living. Thanks for helping me understand that. It will not be easy, but when the time comes clean out the storage area I will try to remember this.
Posted by: Tracie | January 16, 2009 at 09:01 AM
Dear Tracie,
I am so terribly sorry that you lost your baby son!! My heart aches for you now. I feel led to share one idea about using the clothing of our lost children. After Mary Beth Chapman, who lost her daughter Maria also in May of 2008, she took some of her daughter's clothing and had a woman who runs a ministry, which I think is called "Remem-bears", make stuffed teddy bears out of them. Basically, she takes some of the clothing and makes oversized stuffed bears which are extremely soft out of the clothing of those now with Jesus. Mary Beth had a number of them made and she gave a bear to each of her children, kept one for herself and gave several to other children as presents. My daughter, Maya, loves her so much and takes it to bed at night because it is so soft and huggable. Just one idea. And I am sure that the Lord will lead you, when the time comes, to give away what will bless other needy children and to do with other pieces those things which will keep your heart comfortable and stayed on him. It is interesting how this little bear made of Maria's clothing has brought such comfort at night to my little one.
Posted by: Kerry Hasenbalg | January 16, 2009 at 09:55 AM
Kerry, thanks for sharing this. I have a closet full of Jenna's clothes that I want to transform into a quilt.
You are so right though about not lifting up her things and making an idol of them. I hear you, and I agree. They are just things and Jenna herself is gloriously, exuberantly happy in heaven where I will see her again.
I'm glad i found your blog - I will be back. :-)
www.sumijoti.wordpress.com
Posted by: Sumi | January 17, 2009 at 03:40 PM
My heart goes out to your family over the loss of baby Isabella. Prayers truly makes a big difference. Also, it is also helpful when you find people who are going through the same thing. I thought I'd share www.deathletters.org to you as it might help to know there are people who are going through the same ordeal.
Posted by: Andi Smidth | July 05, 2012 at 01:53 PM