Kerry Hasenbalg

The Return of Sorrow

You have fed us with sorrow and made us drink tears by the bucketful. Psalm80:5

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? Psalm 13:2

I am terribly sad tonight because I really wish that I hadn’t lost three of my children.  I really am so sad that Isabella’s umbilical cord got knotted in my womb.  I don’ t know why the tears have come today, but they have and I can’t seem to stop them from falling.  

Of course I am grateful that God has allowed two of my children to survive and to live here with us, but I have to admit that I have a deep sadness over the precious ones born silent and still.       

Why so much pain oh Lord!  Why so much pain and sadness!  What a horrible state we humans have gotten ourselves into by choosing sin….UGGH!  We really messed up, and You, oh Lord, really sent a savior to fix it; but it sure is hard to wait for the realization of that “fix”!  It sure just feels really broken and painful for those of us still waiting here. 

But since I am still here, please help me to live a life that will honor you and somehow bless my children who are already with you. 

I don’t just long for you, oh Lord, to wipe away these tears, but I desperately want to know my other children who are there.   WOW  - I sure do wish I understood more of the realities of heaven.

Lord, please help this aching in my soul.  Why have I come once again to this place of mourning?  You must have led me here because the return of these emotions has certainly caught me by surprise.

Just Fine and a Whole Lot of Nothing

The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest. Isaiah 32:17-18

It's just me and the kiddos at home this week.  Scott flew to Texas this morning to attend the big "Christian Alliance for Orphans"(CAFO)  Summit.  After the summit is over he will be staying there for the CAFO board meeting and then heads to some meetings for Show Hope in Houston.

As for me and the kids: well, basically, Cole and I are busy trying to finish his homeschool first grade year strong.  It really has been quite enjoyable to homeschool him this year.  I have sensed God's pleasure in our choosing this route for our family. For us homeschooling now is the route of obedience.  I have a feeling this next year will be much different and perhaps even a little easier now that Cole is able to read somewhat independently.  (By the way, many thanks for all the homeschool advice  - I am still wading through it and researching some things online - but much of my agenda for school next year is coming out of what many of you have shared.  So, thank you again!)

We had our women's bible study at my home again last evening, and in my opinion it was terrific - a huge blessing for me and I believe for the other women in attendance as well.  We have 12 amazing women participating - most of whom I have just met.  I can really see the hand of God in how He selected and drew each of these gals to the study.  And how I so love hosting it in my home.  Scott and I pray that all the activities in our home will honor God and I am certain this study is a blessing to Him!

There is an incredible sense of peace and joy that seems to be present throughout the entire study, every single week.  The typical contentious women's issues seem to be glaringly absent: things like,  jealousy, competition, and gossip.  The feel of the group seems to be more of a desire to grow and be free from our own sinful baggage and the trappings of this world.  And there is such a kind way about how all of these women are acting towards one another.  For those of you who may be disheartened by christian women's groups and gatherings, this one would really be an encouragement to you revealing that it isn't always that way. God has given an extra measure of grace to it perhaps, at least that is what it seems to me.   

BTW, I don't really have anything profound or deep to say in this blog- so if you are looking for that then you may not want to keep reading.  Because today I just feel "fine", normal, O.K really...and you know it seems that life doesn't have so many of these kinds of just fine days, at least that's how I see it.  But today was one of those rare exceptions - when life was just "normal" in an abnormally normal kind of way. No emotional meltdowns, no major trials, no cuts or bruises, no great losses or great gains no low lows or great highs...just one fine day. 

The weather was lovely, so, after homeschooling, my children and I went to the park and met up with three women from the Bible study and their children, all of whom I did not know a couple months ago.  The conversations we had were all quite edifying and enjoyable and our children had lots of fun.  

After our time at the park, we walked the mile home (all uphill) (just me and my kiddos) and we talked to all people we saw along the way. Both of my children are extroverts like me. We had a generally friendly and neighborly time of it. This evening, we invited my sister-in-law, Jenn, and her two children over for dinner ( my nephews Jacob and T.R.).  Her husband, (that's my older brother Bob) is away at the CAFO summit as well.  And just as would be fitting for such a day as today, Jenn and I had a very peaceful and blessed time chatting together; while my nephews, Jacob and TR, played with Cole and Maya very well!  

I really feel blessed to be studying the Word of God with Jenn (my sister-in-law) and these 10 other women, because it seems that when members of this group spend time "just hanging out" together, whether at the park or in the in between times in our homes, our conversations seem to come back to God and His truth.  I suppose that because we are all in God's Word together and hearing truth in one another's presence each week, we reference these truths to one another more readily and easily in casual conversations than we might otherwise.  It is so very good and healthy when our common point of reference in relationship with other people is Jesus Christ and the Truths of the Word of God!  

On a personal note, I do realize that my heart is still healing a bit from these last two losses (Isabella and the most recent miscarriage) but I can declare and rejoice that I am no longer crippled by the fear of losing another child as I had been this entire last year.  God has done a good work in me and for this I am very grateful.  And I am just as grateful that He is still at work.  And you know, being in relationship with godly women in such a "safe" environment as the Word of God has truly been helpful in my healing and safe for my vulnerable heart and raw emotions. 

Yep, today I feel just "fine".  And I will praise the Lord because I have longed for "fine" for so many months now.  Just O.K. is not the valley and I am grateful not to be in that place if even for only this day!  

Connected in Time

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace." Ecc. 3:1-8 

When Chuck Colson spoke at the Shaohannah's Hope banquet last year he said the following words, "You are only as happy as your saddest child." And the response from the audience was a synchronized sigh indicating full agreement and experiential understanding by many. When we are deeply connected to others and are vested in their happiness, such as the natural relationship between a parent and child, we cannot help but be sad in their sadness and grieve when they grieve. 

As a young person growing up, I rarely remember hurting for others. If life was going my way, then I was happy. When something went wrong in my life I would be sad, or angry, or hurt. I was affected primarily by those things that affected me most directly. Most difficulties in the lives of others seemed "far" from me and thus affected me very little. And when I would hear or read that third chapter of Ecclesiastes, I would quickly identify the "time" I was "in" as if this was all that was going on in the world. If I was in a relationship that God was calling me out of, I would decide that it was a "time" to "refrain from embracing." If I had just lost a competition, gotten my feelings hurt, or lost someone I loved, I would decide that it was simply a time to "cry" and a time to 'die." As if this was all that was going on in the world. 

Now that I am older, the happenings of life seem much "broader" for me at any given time. As a result of my perspective and world-view being lived within a family, a community and the greater body of Christ worldwide, I have realized that I am only one member of a much larger body. Now that I am older and am able to see the invisible “ties that bind” us all together, I also see all these different "times" referenced in the third chapter of Ecclesiastes as happening all at the same time, nearly all the time in “my family” – that is in “His family”. And it seems to me that the more I grow in my relationship with Jesus Christ, the more I find myself deeply connected to many, many others – to their successes and failures, their losses and gains, their worries and praises, their trials, disappointments, and their births and their deaths. Life has a lot more dimensions for me now. 

A number of you have asked why I have not been blogging lately and I suppose there are a number of reasons, some little and some bigger, but nothing particularly bad has happened to me directly…just a lot of life happenings in my “body/family”, as I am sure there is happening in yours – because this is the common life. Here are a few specifics on my end that speak of the common life and the human journey. 

This past weekend one of my great life heroes, my uncle Tommy, lost his precious wife, my aunt sally. Uncle Tommy who has not been in great health himself for sometime has been caring for my Aunt Sally, who has had dementia for nearly 15 years, in his home. He has been for me perhaps the greatest contemporary example of agape love in marriage that I have ever known. To those of you who are caretakers for your own ailing loved-ones, like my Uncle Tommy has been, please know that there are others who you might not realize are watching your life example and learning about true love and wisdom from your service and sacrifice. 

I was given the news of Aunt Sally’s death over the phone in the same conversation that I was told that my cousin Jody just had a healthy baby boy and named him Keith. Believe it or not, in the same conversation I learned that my aunt MaryAnne’s mother, Honey Apple (yes that is her real name – Honey Appalonio) had just suffered a stroke. My parents shared these three things with me over the phone because I was down in Savannah attending the wedding celebration of my closest friend from High School, Jill Long (now Jill Havens). A time to rejoice, a time to mourn, a time to dance, a time to be born and a time to die, a time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to speak and a time to be silent - all happening all at the same time and all affecting many of the same people in some way. 

Then next day as we boarded the plane to come home, I found myself rejoicing over the new marriage union of my dear friend Jill and recalling the magnificent and God-honoring celebration I had just witness; but at the same time I was feeling terribly sad for my relatives who were suffering just now, and also just then I was beginning to anticipate the hugs and kisses I would soon be receiving from my own two loving children upon our return home. Then, just as I was realizing that this is simply the way this complicated life is, I received an email on my phone from my dear cousin, Scott, informing me that his father-in-law, David LeJohn, had died suddenly and unexpectedly. My cousin Scottie and his wife Lisa are both extremely successful in their careers; and in Scott’s email he wrote that he would give up all that he has gained in the world to give his wife just one more day with her daddy. 

And so, with all this, which just seemed like too much to process but too real to ignore, I chose to pray. I turned to the One is both the author of time but outside of time. I cried out to the One who is bigger than time, the Creator of time and the Lover of those who are currently confined by time.  Because He knows and He can, because He does and He Is the Great I AM, I went to Him on their behalf! 

Those of you who are parents with multiple children or if you are simply very connected to a lot of people you care about, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with feeling the extremes opposite ends of the emotional spectrum at the same time. Because I am learning that this is in fact quite right and normal for those who have grown out of the immaturity of self-consumption and grown into the realization of a very connected Family of God. When someone whom you love is succeeding and another whom you love is suffering, you cannot help but feel divided and as a result perhaps a little crazy. But this gives us yet another reason to long for heaven, because when we are with the King of Kings and finally outside of time we may at last feel sane and stable. AMEN? 

Written in love Memory of all those whom we love and have gone before us and who are now waiting for us there outside of time!

The Time to Heed

"What I tell you in the dark, utter in the light; and what you hear whispered, proclaim upon the housetops."  Matthew 10:27 "Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, and substance of things unseen." Hebrews 11:1

What has the Lord showed you through His Word and Spirit and how has He encouraged you to act or do as a result of this truth?  What has He called you to walk in, to step out in faith to do?  Whatever it is, do it! Do it in complete obedience and without delay.  We are his beloved children. Whatever He has asked of us or shared with us is for our good and not for our harm!  We have nothing to fear! Wherever He guides us, He will provide - in courage, in protection, and in resources.  We must not not allow the sins of yesterday to keep us from living for Him today!  We were wrong and there is no excuse for our sin, but in Him our sins are forgiven and we are made right! 

"God's people must stop procrastinating and murmuring in unbelief!"  Continued complaining is a poor and untrue testimony to others about the love of God!  How would you like it if your children told others how unfair you were or how little you provided for them as their parent.  How much more wrong and untrue is it when we complain about how unfair is our perfectly just and loving Heavenly Father.  Often God is waiting for us to step out on our way in obedience before He "provides" what we will need for that journey. Often when we say we are waiting on God, it is really God who is waiting on us. 

God promises us our daily bread!  He told the Israelites to only collect enough Manna for that one day. The manna fell from heaven each day, and when they would collect more for the coming days, it turned rotten and was harmful to their bodies! God is loving us by waiting for us to obey before giving us too much provision which would be rotten and harmful for us, especially if we are not going to be "exercising" our faith that day.  The more we exercise, the more food we need, right?  Why would God give excessive resources to a child whom He has already watched store away what remains only for himself and his own, rather than share with the needy. God does not promote gluttony for those whom He loves.  All of God's children in the end will have to give an account for what has been misused or been left unused and which has turn rotten in our lives as a result. Remember the prayer we were taught to pray by Jesus is includes, "Give us this Day our Daily Bread!"  

Faith is stepping out before the whole path can be seen.  When we can "see" with human eyes, it is too late for faith. We are children walking in a dark world with on a lamp at our feet.  Even God's Word has only asked us to take one step at a time.  There is no other way, only the next step is lit up.  So, no more wasted words about the future.  We are not there yet and some of us may never get there anyhow.  But we haver today and so the time to heed is now!  

God's voice is a precious gift.  If we can hear, even a whisper, that which God is saying to us, we must choose to obey.  If we do not we will quench the Spirit's voice in our lives.  And what a great loss that will be for us.  As a way of building our courage for stepping out in obedience, Hal Helms' devotional encourages us to "Rehearse often the footprints of [God's] deliverance and provision - Trace the outlines of [His] mercy. The supply of manna never ran short for the [Israelites] and it will not run short for us."

A Must SEE!

"Less is more" Right?  Therefore, PLEASE allow this uncharacteristically short blog (for me at least) to speak more loudly and boldly than it otherwise might.  Please don't ignore this recommendation if you have ever struggled in your relationships with other women or with personal insecurity of any kind!  

I highly recommend sacrificing one hour of your precious time and $5 of your money to download and watch the video for Session Two of Beth Moore's Esther Bible Study. (Audio alone is slightly cheaper to download).  

Here's the link to do so:Esther Session II Contest for a Queen  

The Truth About the Resurrection

"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-17

How Human Charity Relates to the Resurrection:

"But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." When one of those at the table with him heard this, he said to Jesus, "Blessed is the man who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God." Luke 14:13-15  (Nothing we do for the needy is invisible to God...He will repay all for such deeds at the resurrection!  But we must remember that according to the Word, "If we sow sparingly in the here and now, we will reap sparingly on that day, but if we sow generously, we will reap generously on that day!)

The Promise of Resurrection for all who believe:

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. Romans 6:4-5  ...and with all our loved ones who have gone on before...

I will tell you what:  The older I get and the more people I lose, the more I long for the resurrection.  It seems that the suffering we experiences through the death of loved ones, particularly the loss of our own children, siblings or parents, the more of an eternal perspective we gain. 

 I used to get a weird feeling when I would walk through a cemetery; now however, I find myself picturing how incredible will be the day of the resurrection of the dead, and this causes me to love my Savior all the more! My how God can change us.  He can take us from being fearful, defeated, sorrowful folks and makes even the most embattled of us believe in the overcoming power and eternal victory of the beloved brethren through Jesus who already defeated sin and death.   

And you know what -  I really, really do believe!  I believe in the resurrection of the saints!  I always wanted to know it was true, I hoped but I just didn't know.  But somehow through these last few painful years, God has caused me to know to the depth of my soul that it is in fact true! Death for those who believe is not the end, it is just the beginning of something so much better than even the best we can have here!

He Knows our Pain

She was only eight-years-old and yet she had experienced the death of her own mother and witnessed the brutal death of her own father. As she stayed there in the dirt hiding from the horror, she recalled the words of her mother, "When you pray, pray to the Father in the name of His son, Jesus. But this time she could only bring herself to pray directly to Jesus because she knew that He had lived in this world and had known this kind of pain, having been murdered by evil, himself. So, this young orphan girl asked Jesus to perform a miracle and to allow all of her living brothers and sisters to survive this murdering nightmare (of the Rwandan genocide). She also told Jesus that if they all survived, she would sing His praises all the days of her life. 

Love Letter

"Oh daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my lover what will you tell him? I charge you... Tell him I am faint with love. Song of songs 5:8 Dearest Scott, I really miss you so very much! Thank you for covering our little family in prayer before you left on tour. Lord protect you and bless you on the road. I'm glad you are out on this leg with your faithful brothers in Christ: Geoff, Steve, and David. Take care of one another! And if any of you blog readers run into my husband out on the United tour, please tell him that I love him so!

Wanting Advice on Homeschool Curriculum

If you are a homeschool mom, I would love to get some curriculum advice.  If you know a homeschool mom, would you send her to my blog and ask her to comment with advice for me please.

I have used Saxon Phonics and Math for homeschooling my son in K and 1st and have really enjoyed using them.  I am happy to keep using Saxon next year as well (but am not married to this core curriculum necessarily).  My real issue is that I haven't landed on a science, geography/history, or handwriting curriculum (books or workbooks) that I really want to use next year, so I am asking for some helpful hints.  And I don't want to look back years from now and think, "Oh, I so wish I had known about that back when Cole was young.  Cole will be in second grade next year.  I am looking for his books to be based on a Biblical worldview and not to be terribly laborious or burdensome so that He will continue to enjoy homeschooling (and have times when He can work somewhat independently on worksheets as a part of his day).  Anyhow, I am very open and would very much like some suggestions and the thinking behind your suggestions.  Thanks in advance my sisters! 

   

Please don't be shy, I'd really like all the suggestions from godly, more experienced homeschool moms that I can get.

Worshipping in Spirit and in Truth (The United Tour)

“And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” Isaiah 6:3

I so enjoyed attending the Smitty – SCC United Tour concert last evening! Because I just love to worship!  And it was quite a worshipful event! 

I especially love to worship the Lord in Spirit and in truth – because when my heart and life are right before the Lord, I am really free!  It seems to me there are two things it always means to worship in spirit and in truth so that one can be truly free.

It not only means singing praises unto the Lord, but it means doing so while truly loving the people that God has brought into my life, no matter how hard it might be to love them, as well as caring for the poor and vulnerable in practical ways.  

If God has brought an orphan or widow or someone poor or oppressed into my life and I have chosen to ignore their need, it is amazing how God will bring this back to my mind during worship.  I am not really loving the Lord my God if I have just ignored Him in the poor. 

Likewise, if I am worshipping the Lord but harboring bitterness towards another person, God is faithful to remind me during worship that my worship is lacking and that I need to confess this and be willing to seek reconciliation so that I will be able to return to acceptable worship - worshipping Him in spirit and in truth.  

God is not fooled.  We say we want to give all to Him, to love Him with all our heart, all of our mind, and all our strength, and yet we withhold part of ourselves and then falsely believe that God is still OK with this.  This is not OK - particularly if it is a willful withholding of ourselves (whether out of selfishness, pride, unforgiveness or greed) .  We, as humans, so often honor Him with our lips while our hearts and lives are from Him.  This does not bless nor honor God!  We must be willing to forgive those who have wronged us and also to give to those in need in order for our worship to be acceptable and true! 

Last evening at the Michael W. Smith - Steven Curtis Chapman concert, Michael addressed the need of all of God's people to step outside of the four walls of the church and live out our faith among the poor and needy. He, Steve, and Geoff Moore then encouraged us all to love God by loving orphaned children! And the most amazing thing is that when we do it is perhaps not the needy ones who benefit most but it is us.  The joy is truly in the giving!  Ironic but true!

Showing Hope to those in need is really the Biblical definition of faith. And without faith it is impossible to please God, right?!.  Faith is the evidence of things hoped for and the substance of things unseen, at least according to the Word of God it is.  Basically, faith is showing to a very real world through a very real person the hope that we have in God by doing very real and practical loving things to others in this world.  

And you know I was really blessed to see that there were a significant number of people who not only came to that concert to worship the Lord with their lips but also with their lives.  They were those willing to love the people around them right there at that concert, and also to share some of their resources with needy orphans whom they learned about that night.  Orphans are perhaps the most vulnerable portion of our world's population.  God is most certainly among the orphans.  If we want to find Him, we can find Him there. If we want to bless God we most certainly can do so by caring for orphans.

Lord, we want to worship you in Spirit and in truth. Please show us this day those individuals whom we may still need to forgive for harming us, as well as those in need for whom you are calling us to show Hope in practical ways. 

For more information on how you can join in showing hope to orphans visit:www.showhope.org

God's Rate of Exchange

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple.  Psalm 27:4

Oh, Lord, may this truly be the “one thing” we ask and desire above all else.  We desperately need the beauty and wisdom of your presence to replace our pain and confusion.

 “Beauty for Ashes.  Life for death.  Cleansing for sin. Joy for sorrow.  These are God’s rates of exchange.  These are the necessary funds that we are to bring in our commerce.  Our minds do not perceive nor comprehend this divine exchange, but our spirits know and rejoice.  We have nothing to bring but these products of our old nature, but God turns them to beauty, to joy, to hope.  We must choose to see and behold how blessed are those who trust in God.”  (Helms excerpt)

If we will take the “risk” and “let go” of the ashes, the death, the sin and the sorrow that so many of us are carrying around, if we will turn them over, entrusting them into the Hands of the Lord, we will “know” at last that what we receive in exchange from His hand is freedom, healing, joy, beauty and life!

In my writings several years ago, I was addressing some of the unexpected and difficult issues that can arise in the adoption process or in the lives of orphaned children. In this series, I shared a story about a boy with broken toys who was seeking the toymaker for help.  And I believe this story is applicable not only in the disappointments we often face in serving vulnerable children but also in many other aspects of our Christian walks as well.

We know God is at work giving us beauty for our ashes, but sadly, there are many times when the ashes seem to remain even after we have poured our hearts and souls into a cure.

Why God? Why do some children not attach? Why do some adoptions fail?  Why is love not enough to fix the problems and heal the pain?  Why does it seem too late for so many?  And why are some children never taken in at all? God clearly promises beauty for ashes and because we know that He does not lie, there must be answers to these questions.  I do not profess to know the answers to any person’s specific situation and my heart goes out for the families and children who suffer. I want to share, for what it is worth, some of what the Lord has ministered to me when I have inquired about the ashes lingering in my own life and in the lives of hurting children I love. 

There once was a boy who had many broken toys.  So, this boy took his toys to the toymaker and asked, “Will you fix my broken toys?” The toymaker replied, “I most certainly will.”  The next day the little boy looked at his toys and much to his disappointment he saw that his toys were still broken, so he asked the toymaker again, “Will you please fix my broken toys?” And again the toymaker replied exactly as He did the first time, “Yes, I most certainly will.”  The following day the boy looked and once again found that his toys were still broken.  So, he decided to ask the toymaker a different question, “Sir, if you said you would fix my broken toys, why have you not done it yet?” And the toymaker answered, “Because you will not let go of them!” 

In order for God to turn our ashes into beauty, we must be willing to let go and entrust our ashes to Him!  As we bring our ashes to the foot of the cross, let us believe that He will be faithful to exchange our ashes for beauty in His time and in His way.

And when we are wiling to take this "risk" and really "let go"of our controlling and fearful grip on these things, we will finally have the opportunity to “see” for ourselves how things work in the Lord’s economy.  And I believe the experiencing of this exchange process is what builds our trust in God and teaches us to desire His blessed presence with an undivided heart in all things and above all things. 

Prayer Request: I am asking for your prayers for my dear, dear daughter-in-the-faith, Jeanne, and her 9 orphan siblings. Jeanne has just returned to Africa to be with her twin sister and her siblings for the second time since the Rwandan genocide.  It is extremely difficult for them in every way having lost both their parents in the genocide and having never had adults to raise them.  This family is very dear to me and several of the children are sick just now.  So, please pray for Jeanne and her family!  They have known more brokenness in this lifetime that I can even comprehend, yet they seek to love the Lord and so deserve the prayers of their Christian family. May we help to carry their copious ashes to the throne of Him who can exchange them for great beauty!

(Recommended Reading for those struggling - "Let Go" by Francois Fenelon)

Birthday Humor

Today is my mother and her identical twin sister's birthday.  She and my dad are celebrating it out in Palm Desert with her sister and her husband (Uncle Doug), her two brothers (Frank and Tommy) and my younger brother (Tommy).  

Since we weren't going to see my mom on this special day, I had Cole and Maya call and sing her the Happy Birthday Song over the phone.  They did; and it was really sweet.  

But when they finished singing, Cole said, "Nanna Marks how old are you today?"  

She answered, "64."

Cole replied "Wow, you're getting really old!"

But then he said, "Wait, Nanna, I forgot that girls don't like when boys tell them they are getting old.  I'm sorry, what I meant to say was , "You're really getting big!"

(Isn't that what we grown ups so often say to compliment little ones each time we see them.  And our their birthday we say, "what a big boy or girl!" right?!  So, in his little mind that must be a nice compliment to give his grandma, right?!) 

Well, when I got back on the phone my mom said,  "Please tell Cole that I'd much rather hear that I'm getting really old instead of that I'm really getting big! 

What a laugh we had!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mom and Aunt George!  And by the way, neither of you look old or big!  Mom, you always told me when I would complain about not liking my own looks when I was younger that I should just seek Jesus and that if I did God would not only make my inside more beautiful but that He would also make me appear more beautiful on the outside to others as a result.  You and your sister are a wonderful testimony of this very thing. You may see wrinkles when you look with your critical eye, but others see wisdom, gentleness and beauty.  You are truly beautiful inside and out!  Uncle Doug and Dad, you're blessed men for sure!

These women have not undergone plastic surgery; they have just received a lot of touches by the hand of the Holy Spirit by whom they live.  

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears the LORD, she shall be praised. 

Proverbs 31:30  

If anyone feels so inclined, I would love if folks would give my mom (Gerry)  and Aunt Georgie a birthday shout-out via the comment section.  We're celebrating here with a banana split in honor of this day: 

Did Daddy Bring Me A Present?

What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. Job 3:25

Although, I have never really been a fearful person, this past year I found myself seriously riddled with fear.  I spoke against it, prayed against it, stood against it, and kept taking the fearful thoughts captive; but I was never really totally free from it, at least not for more than a few days at a time.  Not free that is until the thing I feared the most happened to me.  

I wish I could have been freed another way, a way other than through the loss of another child. But for whatever reason I wasn’t freed beforehand.  I couldn’t get myself there. I am sure the problem of becoming free was on my part and not God’s.  But with all the spiritual tools I had, I couldn’t figure out how to use them sufficiently to get myself there.  I know that we often remain in sin, (and I know fear is sin), because we are still getting something from it, benefiting in some way small way at least. And I suppose I felt that I held some sort of control in my relationship with God by not fully laying down my fear.  Perhaps it was as if I thought He would take pity on me because of my fear and grant me this desire for mercy’s sake.  Amazing how messed up we humans can be.  And I sure am human in this messed up way too.

Anyhow, I fell off that very cliff - the cliff I stared at and feared profoundly this entire year.  But as God promised He would, He did in fact catch me before I was crushed.  But I really hate that I had to fall again...to really know by experience that He would catch me again.  As Job said, (and I paraphrase) I had heard this about God but now I see Him with my own eyes.

I know I did not cause this loss, but the fact that I could not stop fearing that I would lose this one really disappoints me....well, it just plain stinks!

I am no longer afraid, at least not now – I am just very sad!   I really believe that fear often comes from placing something, some desire, or someone over desiring Him and His presence.  I desired the presence of another child more than I desired ONLY Him!  Of course I desired Him, but I so wanted Him to show up with child or at least the promise of when and how this desire would be fulfilled.  

It’s like the child who is waiting for his Daddy to come home, but when his daddy arrives without the gift the child asked for the child shows only disappointment.  And the great blessing of the child running into daddy’s arms just because Daddy arrived home is totally eclipsed or even absent all together.  I have been that child in my relationship with God, but I couldn’t see that I was.  I wanted my heavenly Father to show up and be with me everyday, I love being with the Lord!  But I so wanted him to show up with this present of another child in hand (or at least a time frame of when the present would come) so much so that my desire, my control, and my fear eclipsed the simple love and excitement of my daddy coming unto me.

However, when the great sorrow and suffering came what I wanted and needed most of all was the simple presence of my heavenly daddy.  And the thing I feared the most now was His absence.  But He was not absent.  I called and He came and He held me.  And in that time, He reminded me that His will and His timing for what He gives or does not give to us is all done out of love for us.  And I believe Him.  Through this, God has brought me to a new place.  A place that certainly does not desire more heartache or one which will not still express my deep desires to God, but rather a place which more fully trusts the will of my Heavenly Father come what may. So, now I pray the Words of God's own son, Jesus, "Abba, (Daddy), Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will. Mark 14:36

And what a very appropriate word I received from my friend, Joni, today based on I Peter 4:1-2, "Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."  

Simple Truths

This blog is concerning the highlights from Beth Moore's Esther study we began last evening.  For me they were mostly things which God has shown me experientially in recent years and our sister, Beth Moore, summed them up in the most concise way.  Here's some of the things she said (in bold) which really rung very true for me (and in parenthesis I wrote about why these quotes affected me so much):

In speaking about the “realness” of the people of the Word, B. Moore said, “It’s is just our turn to be residents of planet earth.”

(I have become more and more aware of my own mortality these last few years and it really feels healthy and good for my soul to be so aware.  I really love that idea, it's just own turn. Knowing and believing this so deeply has caused me to live even more abandoned to God and his will day by day.)

In talking about great trials, unanswered prayers, and sensing the absence of God, Moore said:

“What about when the Red Seas doesn’t part? ..."I can’t find Him but I know He’s there and I know He’s at work. You know that even though you cant see Him just now, you know that it’s gonna be great when He does show up.”

(And this is exactly why I have remained so hopeful when I cannot see a thing in front of me that feels hopeful.  I hope because I now He will show up and because I believe the Word I know it will be amazing.)

Moore said, “Sometimes instead of working miracles, He chooses to work in and thru the individual in a very 'natural' [and human] kind of way.  But perhaps these are the biggest kind of miracles.”...“Coincidences are miracles in which God prefers to remain anonymous [at least to the general public].  God never wants to be anonymous in your life – unanimous yes, but not anonymous.”

(These word were extremely encouraging to me because I have learned to see Him more often and give Him credit more readily - somehow God has shown me that it is Him doing all the good and the more I understand that these tiny little very human things are Him working through me and through other common things and people around me, I end up experiencing Him more often.  And when we see Him and don't miss His grace in the mundane and little things, it seems we sense the presence of God we so desperately need to comfort us and see us through.)

In speaking about Moore's experience in her own personal, "Dark Night of the Soul, " and when she couldn't seem to find God, she said,  “The Power of Praise is what caused the power of His absence to break.”

(This is a truth that I can not emphasize enough.  Ladies, we must choose to praise Him when it hurts the most and when we can not find anything in the natural that makes us want to praise. Praise is a weapon - a very powerful weapon against depression and desperate sorrow.  Sing the Word and watch how your eyes will suddenly open to the presence of the grace of God around you.  Every morning for weeks and weeks after the death of Isabella, Scott and I put on praise music in order to battle for the healing of our own souls!  In many ways it was perhaps the most powerful tool God gave us to heal and regain our sanity, peace and joy!  When it feels like God is most absent in your life and things are so painful you want to die, I implore you to sing praises to Him - just choose it, it will help your soul!)  

Moore said, “I believe that I feared this [one thing] so much,[ that] I think God said, ‘Well, let’s finally get it over with.”

(I would never have taught this as good theology, so I am glad Beth said it instead of me.  But the truth is, in so many ways, I feel like she expressed exactly what I have experienced or at least felt I've been going through.  I feared losing my next child (after having lost Isabella) more than I had feared anything else in the world.  And in some way, it seems that God might have desired to work a similar thing in my life and say a similar thing to me "Let's get it over with so that I can show you that even in the coming to pass of your greatest fear I am with you, my grace is sufficient and your soul will survive."  That fear is no longer standing between me and God - now that the thing I feared most was realized, God's peace is able to encompasses me instead of the crippling effect of that fear.)

On finding God's will for our lives, Moore said, “Seek Him and you won’t miss His will.”

(I could have really used this simple statement when I was living as a missionary in Russia in 1994, I was so concerned with not missing God's will for my life as it related to marriage that I read everything I could get my hands on about "Finding God's will for your life."  Actually, I read a 400 page (text) book with this very title, cover to cover, that my missions director gave me on the subject.  I felt like I desperately wanted to know if God has one specific person or if you can just choose from a number of godly people to marry.  The books were of little to no help honestly.  It was not until I really sought God in prayer and the Lord reminded me that the most profound things are best seen in that which is most simple. He took me mentally to the relationship between a parent and a child.  It was as if God was reminding me about how a parent is very happy to give their wise opinion, but it is necessary for a child to not only ask but to be willing and humble enough to accept their parent's opinion.  So, I went before the Lord and said, "I have seen many people with bad marriages and some with good ones.  I have no idea what someone will be like years down the road, but you Lord, alone,  know what we will all be like in the future.  So, Father, I am asking for your opinion and your choice of a husband for me -Someone who you know will continue to seek you and be a good godly leader not only in the beginning but after we go through trials together.  Help me not to choose a mate when I am in sin. Help me to hear and see well when you are trying to reveal the right choice for me."  That was the gist of the prayer that I prayed. And you know what I am very confident that in this thing I certainly did not miss God's will for me. ) 

“There are things which go painfully with being a woman.” And “Suffering makes us unite," She said.

 (And boy have I seen this in my own life. With those women God has brought across my path or even through this blog and those of other women, how I have found a sort of fellowship with those who have struggled with infertility or lost living children; how so many have sought the Lord for redemption in the loss, beauty from the ashes, or for God to bring other children into their families through adoption or again through their womb.  And I believe that although it was suffering that compelled the union, it is not the sorrow that is placed in the center but rather it is the Very Real Grace of the Redeemer, Himself who has been placed in the center of us all)

“Have you lost God?  Remember He hasn’t lost you.”