Bittersweet Days

It's 2am and I can't sleep.  Just ate a banana nut muffin in bed....I'm covered in crumbs...uggh.  Lucky for Scott, Maya called out to him from her bed 30 minutes ago (what woke me up btw) and so he is currently without crumbs and not being bothered by the pregnant muffin eating, crumb dropping insomniac because he fell asleep in her room since that time. 

Today, (the 6th of January) is my husband Scott's 38th birthday. And I could not be more pleased than to be sharing these years with a guy like him.  He exemplifies in my life the scripture:  "Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. "  He is so kind, tenderhearted and forgiving towards me!  He actually is quite a picture of the Galatians list of the fruits of the Spirit:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control - yep that's him. Seriously, he is a good man and what's most amazing is that he doesn't see himself that way; he sees himself as a man in desperate need of God to sustain Him and flow through him everyday oif he's to do or be anything of significance or blessing.  I suppose that's why it is so evident to see the fruit of God's Spirit manifested through "little ol' Scottie Has".  God always gets the credit for the ways he blesses others.

Today, also marks two years to the day since Scott and I were told that our infant daughter, Isabella Grace, had died in my womb at 36+ weeks.  We birthed her stillborn on the 7th of January, which is when we choose to recognize her passing as a family.  We try to keep the mourning and rejoicing as separate as possible, but as many of you have experienced in your own lives, it can be difficult to keep things in neat little boxes.  Life doesn't always work that way now does it.  

I went to the grocery store last evening to pick up a cake mix in order to make a cake with the kids for Scott's birthday.  I ended up coming home with a blueberry muffin mix by accident instead.  I was so annoyed.  I kind of felt like I deserved it though, since I wasn't a very good citizen at the grocery store.  I had left some items in the wrong aisle just because I was being too lazy and self-centered to put them back where they belonged. Then, I left my cart in the middle of the parking lot and justified it in my mind by the the bitter cold.   So, when I arrive home without the cake mix, I immediately thought that a bad citizen like me so deserved this mishap...funny I suppose, but it's what I thought.  It also crossed my mind that this might be akin to my putting the phone in the trash can, the cereal in the refrigerator and the milk in the cupboard  - all of which I have done this week. 

But instead of dealing well with my frustration, I held it quietly in my heart and headed up to bed.  After getting into bed I remembered that we hadn't fed the fish today.  So, I went into feed the little guys and found that one of them had gotten stuck under the ship in the tank.  (apparently, when I cleaned the tank today and moved it from room to room, the little zebra daneo got lodged under it.) Cole joined me to say goodbye to the dying fish.  Cole was so sad.  He immediately began referencing all the losses of babies we have experienced and now his added disappointment that his fish might die was more than he could take.  (the fish looked terrible - body bent and barely swimming).  Cole said, "Mom I am going to pray all night that God heals my fish - we've had too many family members die"   I tried to prepare him for the possibility of death because I so did not want him to be disappointed if he woke and found the fish gone (yet I wondered if it was I lacking faith), but he said, "mom, is it ok if I am just sad for now?"   He really didn't need all my words, just my presence.

As for me, I found myself extraordinarily sad too over this fish - but I soon realized I was just still really sad about the babies we have lost, and the anniversary of Isabella's death was bringing up a lot of old painful memories.  Perhaps God was using this little fish to have use delve a little deeper so that he can work in us and heal us more deeply as well. I also realized that I am still fearful l about the baby currently in my womb.  I want a promise of health from God, but I know that what God wants from me is my complete trust in His loving will. (which is known only to Him and not to me.)  

Today, Cole and I went lap swimming.  And while he was swimming he said, "Mom the reason I can swim the whole length without having to take a lot of breaths is because I pray while I am swimming.  I think when I pray God gives me extra breaths and more strength.  He then said,  "And while I was swimming, I prayed that God would give us this baby.  Since God already has three babies of ours with him in heaven, I am asking that He will let us have the one inside of you here with us.  But if He doesn't I won't be mad... just sad."  

"Me too Cole, me too.  I think it is very good that you are praying these things.  We make our requests known to God and then we just choose to trust in God's love and plan. Someday we will understand"  

"OK mom."   

So, as I now finish thise stream of consciousness - or semi-consciousness/insomnia fueled blog, I am choosing to release unto God my fear and sadness asking Him to guard my heart and mind.  I choose this day to rejoice and celebrate the 38th birthday of my precious gift of a husband.   It's amazing how much of life is about choosing - choosing this day whom we will serve, whom we will trust, how we will walk.  I went to bed in tears, but by the grace of God I will awake joyful in hope!  And perhaps I am meant to try making a cake from scratch...hhmm

Comments

[naomi cuozzo]

Happy Birthday Scott!! Wish so much we could celebrate with you.... maybe next year... wouldn't that be fun!!!

Also know that we are praying for you and this baby. In fact I will have my kids pray for you every morning in our devotional time... I'll add you to the list! It is so neat to see Cole's perspective.

[cindi m]

Kerry,

Shake the crumbs out of the sheets and get busy with that cake, girl!!! Let us know the outcome. (scratch,box or bought)

Oh,and how's the fish?

Love from NC.

[Jennifer]

Praying for joy and peace for you all today and tomorrow. God is our rock, our refuge, our strength, and He is eternally faithful to us. Hugs to you.

[Hannah Harris]

Thank you for sharing your heart. Oddly enough, I completely understand the sadness of fish and relating it to heavenly children.

May you be at peace during this pregnancy and find joy in even the smallest things.

http://daleandhannah.com/blog/2009/04/09/chicago-trip/

[Sweet Joni]

Happy 38th Birthday Scott :)

What a guy, Cole, is! Taking right after his dad... kind, tender hearted, warm, loving. Wow! A pure blessing from God to you Kerry! :)

[Michelle Jamie]

Happy Birthday to you hubby!

[Tricia]

Happy birthday to your sweet husband! Thanks for sharing your heart - I think you should write more often in the middle of the night. It really touched me and where we are right now. Let us know how the scratch cake thing goes - have never tried it myself!