Kerry Hasenbalg

This Moment

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun."

Although I write a great deal on this blog about the many struggles humans face in this life, I really do have a great appreciation for life and recognize so many of its' moments as a gift of God.

 Sure, much of the time I am glad that the one constant thing in life is change, particularly since things usually seem not as they should be in this broken sin-filled world.  But, today, I so wish time could just stop, at least right here in this little corner of my world called home - at least just for a little while.  Since it doesn't work that way and I cannot stop time, I suppose it is time for me to stop - and take it all in - praising the Lord for this moment which God has given my family this day.  

We are finally all pretty healthy (except for Scott's backache). I can feel the little girl baby kicking in my womb.  Scottie has returned home; and the kids and I so love when Daddy's is home!!  He just returned from Nashville - and boy did we miss him!! His presence brings such calm and warmth to this home.  He has a kind and patient way with everyone, and the kids and I are the most regular beneficiaries of his amazing way of being among men. And I do recognize that these characteristics of his walk have everything to do with the way he sees his own weakness and need of Jesus and seeks Him continually for everything.  Thank you Lord for his example of how your spirit works in and thru those who know their need of You and look to you as their constant Source! 

(Scott doing his morning devotional and Maya in the background eating breakfast)

Although it is cold and snowy outside today, I could not resist going out early this morning to take in the magnificence of the falling snow - God has made such amazing things.  Every snow flake different  - every snowflake wonderful!  

(Our House in the Snow this morning)

We have a blazing fire in the fireplace and the children spent the early morning doing a short devotional together from Cole's kid Bible - what a blessing to a mother's heart to see the children loving one another and the Lord in this way.  (We attended Bedside Baptist this morning..)  And now the kids are playing Monopoly with their daddy.  

Lord, I know that many of our future moments won't be like this.  I know that the trials we face are necessary and inevitable and are used for the testing of our faith and the sanctifying of our souls - and that they will continue to come.  So, Lord, help us in those moments to remember this moment.  This day when you held us all together as a family safe and warm and loving one another -  and recognizing Your hand of blessing in it all.  And to remember that no matter what our feelings may tell us or our circumstances look like you are indeed the same yesterday, today, and forever - that you are the same God of this moment as you are of all moments!

Keep Scott and the medical team safe as they head off to Louyang, China next week.  Prepare every step of their way.  Help them to be humble enough to be mightily used by You - accomplishing all that is in Your will for the sake of the medically fragile orphans there and the glorifying of Your Name, Alone! Sustain this little family of ours, as a father to my children and a husband to me, while Scottie is away from us these next couple weeks.  And please Lord bring them all back home safe and sound!

It's a Girl!

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children. Genesis 3:16

I am twenty weeks pregnant tomorrow and we just found out that the baby in my womb is a girl.  We are so very happy.  But the truth is that we would have been overjoyed whether the baby was a girl or a boy.  We are just grateful to the Lord for all that He has given to us this day.  

My hospital appointment last nearly three hours.  Considering the many complications I have had in pregnancies past, the PA and DOC had a lot of questions for me and tests to go over.  

Like my new doctors, many of you have inquired about the specifics about "How Isabella died", (Isabella, our daughter who was stillborn in January of 2008), and I realized that this isn't something I have ever shared on this blog.  As a matter of fact, I don't think I have ever written about the causes of any of our losses.   But in having to review these details with the doctors, I thought it couldn't hurt to answer these questions here.  

At first we did not know why Isabella died in my womb at 36.5 weeks, but after giving birth to her the doctor found two knots in her umbilical cord - one of which was very tight (infarcted), which caused the baby to pass on.  

As for the three additional miscarriages I have had, I only know the cause of one of them.  I became sick during my pregnancy and because of throwing up so many times and becoming dehydrated my water broke and I went into preterm labor at only 15 weeks.  And the baby was too young to be saved.  We know the baby was a girl and we named her Malaya Grace - which means "Freedom in the presence of God."  As for the other two miscarriages, we do not know the causes of death.  I decided to miscarry at home, so we have no clinical answers.  But I take the same comfort in these that I do in the others, that the Lord is sovereign and has taken these precious ones unto Himself.  And that He is faithful to bring beauty out of their ashes and to heal our hearts every time (as we present our ashes to Him).

But even with the two healthy children (Cole and Maya) that the Lord presented to Scott and me to raise on this earth I also had some complications.  At birth, Cole came forth with the cord wrapped around his neck three times and was born blue.  Thanks to Lord, he survived and has no known complications as a result.  With Maya I had preeclampsia starting at 30 weeks and at 37 weeks I was induced because my symptoms associated with it became worse.  Praise the Lord she was born perfectly healthy.  

So, why after so much struggle, would Scott and I continue to trust the Lord with our childbearing and risk more pain and sorrow?  Bearing children isn't a requirement and we already have two beautiful children. At least that is what many ask us - both with their words and with their eyes and body language when they find out we are pregnant again.  

I suppose I just feel like it is the better choice for us.  I know there are no guarantees,and  I have learned this the hard way I suppose.  I have come to know women who have lost more than ten children through miscarriage and other complications.  Scott's own aunt lost 7 children and all in the third trimester. What sorrow some face in this life. Oh, Lord how we as women have known the pain of the fall - the sorrow associated not only with the labor of child bearing but the sorrow in the conception and pregnancies as well.  I know we should not be surprised by these trials.  But we pray to you, Lord, who are a merciful God, have mercy on your children and bless the wombs of your people!   For those of you hurting in this area right now, please remember that the Lord is compassionate and cares about your hurts. And that he is at work and does have a plan for your family!  Oh the amazing adoption stories I have heard that include testimonies that began with infertility and or miscarriage and ended with statements like, "we could not imagine not having this child in our family now," or "this child was always meant to be in our family."  

As a friend of Show Hope says, "God has a plan for your plan!"  And Lord, we do know your ways are truly higher than our ways.  But, in the meantime while the pain is great for some, please make your presence known and comfort, heal and lead your hurting sheep.  

Our Precious Spirited Maya

Yesterday, I said to our three and a half year old daughter, Maya, 

"Honey, I want you to know that I really enjoy spending time with you, 

you're very fun to be with." 

 To which she responded, "Thanks Mom, but I'm bossy."

I then said, "But you are also sweet.  To which she replied, 

"TODAY, I'm sweet, 

but tomorrow, I'll be bossy."

"But Maya," I said, "You don't have to behave bossy.  Don't you enjoy acting sweet to others more than being bossy."

To which she replied, "Sometimes I like being sweet and 

sometimes I like being bossy, but I think when I grow up I will be 

sweet and not bossy." 

I told her that I think that's a good idea and 

that it would please God and others around her very much. 

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Maya learned to swim without using any flotation devices today.  At the Community Center Pool, she must have swam from Scott to me and me to Scott over 50 times.  Once she started she was so pleased with herself and having so much fun that she couldn't stop.  It was really exciting!  Considering that six weeks ago she cried for the duration of her first three swim lessons, we've certainly come a long way!

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As soon as we got home today, Maya decided 

that she wanted to 

learn how to play the piano.

We sat together at the keys and I taught her several very elementary three or four note songs.  She was so pleased and probably could have played all night had I not put a stop to it after a couple hours.  

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After her piano concert, Maya decided to go play upstairs.  Scott was at a meeting about medical missions to China and Cole was already upstairs playing with his toys quietly.  After a full week of cleaning ( I had done about a dozen loads of laundry - see below) and a weekend of entertaining, I was thrilled to have a few minutes of peace and quiet.  But then I got a little worried as it seemed a little too quiet for Maya and strange for her to be gone so long.  But just before I got really nervous Maya came forth looking absolutely ....well, AMAZING!  She had done her own make-up and hairdo.  AWESOME! What a great afternoon.  

Sometimes sweet and sometimes bossy Maya, you really are a treat!  I sure love having you as a daughter!

Praise the Lord for laundry machines - if I had as few amenities as my grandmother, I would still be buried under the piles of dirty laundry I allowed to pile up.  

You kiddos are growing too fast for my liking!   (this was only six months ago and you have grown and matured so much!)

Maya said earlier this week, "Mom, I love you so much I can hardly stand it!" (nothing like hearing your own words through your child...so funny)  

Well, right back at ya...."Me too Maya and Cole - me too!"

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Baby Update - Baby is kicking often and it is so reassuring for this nervous Mama! 

Valentine's Day Surprises

As soon as Cole woke up this morning, he came to Scott and me saying, "Please mom and Dad stay in bed, I have a surprise for you both."  

Maya hears him say this and she pops out of bed saying loudly, "Cole, I want to help too!"

"O.K. Maya, come downstairs with me," he responded.

First, we hear a BANG, then a big CRASH....

Then a minute later Maya returns to our room saying, "My job is to guard you and keep you from getting out of bed before Cole gives you the surprise."

Cole then calls Maya downstairs once again to help him with the next phase....

Maya looks at us sternly before departing and says, "I have to go and help Cole, so don't leave this bed because I am to guard you and now I have to go - so DON'T Move!"

We agreed but could not hold back from showing our pleasure (smiles and giggles) at seeing them work together to surprise us like this.

About a minute later Maya and Cole both returned with large ceramic plates in hand - one with toast and butter and the other with rice krispies cereal.  Maya nearly dropped the plate but was completely oblivious to that fact.  Cole then hands us the plates and says, "the toast is for dad because I don't think butter is good for you since you're pregnant -I was afraid it might make you sick Mom.  So, the cereal is for you and I hope that doesn't make you sick."  

We were so touched!!  We told them how much we loved this special surprise.  

We asked Cole where he got the idea to do this.  He said, "I just thought it up this morning since it was the only thing I could do for you on my own - I know how to get cereal and toast, so this is the gift I decided to do."

Finally, Cole says, "And while you are eating in bed, Maya and I will sing our Valentine's songs for you."

They both then proceeded to make up their own Valentine's day songs about loving one another and how God has given us this time to show each other our love. Maya's song included references to her dolls and toys but she stayed pretty on track for her.  It was really wonderful! 

And then before the great morning was over, Scott gave me a wonderful card with 

a hand-made gift certificate inside 

good for two days of a home cleaning service!

AWESOME!  Perhaps in preparation for baby coming 

I will turn in my certificate to Scott!

 

I hope you all have wonderful Valentine's Day Surprises as well.  Don't forget to watch closely for ways the Lord may want to bless you in ways you aren't expecting.  

Freedom through Forgiveness

Here I am again Lord!  Struggling.  Teach me again how to forgive. Give me the desire and the power to do so.  

I found the following write up online about forgiveness  Perhaps it is rudimentary, but baseline is what I must have needed this day because just reading these written words began to calm my heart and chip away the hardness and hurt that had begun to form...these simple Biblical reminders of why I must forgive and how I can forgive.  

[WRITE UP]  It is not uncommon for Christians to have questions about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not come easy for most of us. Our natural instinct is to recoil in self-protection when we've been injured. We don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace and forgiveness when we've been wronged.

Is forgiveness a conscious choice, a physical act involving the will, or is it a feeling, an emotional state of being? The Bible offers insight and answers to these and many more common questions about forgiveness. We'll take a look at the most common questions and find out what the Bible says about forgiveness.

Is forgiveness a conscious choice, or an emotional state?

I believe forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive.

The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us:

Colossians 3:13 
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (NIV)

How do we forgive when we don't feel like it? How do we translate the decision to forgive into a change of heart?

We forgive by faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

I believe God honors our commitment to obey Him and our desire to please him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in his time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts.

Philippians 1:6 
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. 

How will we know if we have truly forgiven?

Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian woman who survived a Nazi concentration camp during the Holocaust, said, "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."

We will know the work of forgiveness is complete when we experience the freedom that comes as a result. We are the ones who suffer most when we choose not to forgive. When we do forgive, the Lord sets our hearts free from the anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt that previously imprisoned us.

Most times, however, forgiveness is a slow process.

Matthew 18:21-22 
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. 

This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.
I have found that prayer is one of the best ways to break down the wall of un-forgiveness in my heart. When I begin to pray for the person who has wronged me, God begins to give me new eyes to see that person and a new heart to care for that person. As I pray I begin to see that person as God sees them, and I realize that person is precious to the Lord. I also see myself in a new light, just as guilty of sin and failure as the other person. I too am in need of forgiveness. If God did not withhold his forgiveness from me, why should I withhold my forgiveness from another?

Is it okay to feel anger and want justice for the person we need to forgive?

This question presents another reason to pray for the person we need to forgive. We can pray for God to deal with the injustices, for God to judge the person's life, and then we can leave that prayer at the altar. We no longer have to carry the anger. Although it is normal for us to feel anger toward sin and injustice, it is not our job to judge the other person in their sin.

Luke 6:37 
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 

Why must we forgive?

The best reason to forgive is because Jesus commanded us to forgive. We learn from Scripture, if we don't forgive, neither will we be forgiven:

Matthew 6:14-16 
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

We also forgive so that our prayers will not be hindered:

Mark 11:25 
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. 

In summary and in closing, we forgive out of obedience to the Lord. It is a choice, a decision we make. However, as we do this "forgiving," we discover the command is in place for our own good, and we receive the reward of our forgiveness - freedom.

Under the Weather

I am currently sitting on the edge of my bed with my personal handheld Vicks Vapor inhaler in hand and some Ricola lozengers, a box of tissues and a glass of water on my bedside table.  Crazy how some colds seem to last forever.  Uggh!  I am so very grateful that the kids kicked this cold that went through our family much sooner that I have.  I can handle being sick far better than having sick kiddos, particularly at Disney.  

This cold reminds me of being back in junior High again.  I seemed to get sick an awful lot back then. And apparently others thought I did as well.   Since returning to my hometown, I have learned something quite hilarious about how I was perceived back then.  While out one evening, I ran into a few former classmates and when we began reminiscing about our school days one of the gentleman said, "You know I always thought you were pretty but never thought of dating you because I couldn't get past the fact that you always seemed to be sick and blowing your nose."    

Wasn't sure that was a compliment or an insult - but it was kind of funny to me (for I had no idea that I was perceived that way back then).  Anyhow, this last month is the first time I have been as sick as I was back in junior High and I really don't blame him for being turned off.  My poor husband hasn't slept much in a couple weeks due to all my coughing.  My NettiPot has replaced Scott in recent times as my closest companion.  

We really are a fallen creation in need of healing - So, I am chalking all this coughing up to the "groaning of creation" for redemption and renewal.  

Pics from our Trip to Disney

Just arrived home from Disney.  It was a spectacular trip!  Some highlights were: breakfast with the Princesses, Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, the Illumination show at Magic Kingdom, meeting the many disney characters, the Aloha Dinner and Polynesian fire show, Safari and Lion King performance at Animal Kingdom...It was just a whole lot of fun!